At this point it's hard to say what she will do. I think she doesn't know how to say it, and she doesn't know how I will react. She's probably hoping I bring it up. I have consulted my good lawyer friend about worst case scenarios just so I have some info when I confront her. She can't tell me that she and the kids are moving sans their father. She has no legal grounds to do that, we are not legally separated, and I see that as kidnapping my kids and running away. And, I have to assume here that, unless she's just a mean, heartless you-know-what (which I don't believe she is), she would have moved the correspondences with our R/E agent away from our shared email account at some point along the way here. Why let your spouse see what you're up to if you don't see him as part of the future equation?
A Little Update: Regarding that party. I DID go to the party. My wife didn't exactly invite me, she just spoke about it using "we" instead of "I." I went and we all had a great time. I loved playing with my kids and seeing them have so much fun. As I've said, she seems to be warming up a bit. She doesn't run away after dinner, she gets closer to me, she talks more openly, she jokes a little bit and she listens to me when I speak with interest. We still aren't talking about the BIG problems, but or surface convos have been getting better. On Sunday I took our kids to my sister's home. The W didn't come. I think it was tough for her to be separated from her kids all day and I know she didn't stay in the house -- she ran to her sister's house. For me it was the first time I did this since our blow up. It was VERY hard to cope with. My sisters were grilling me and expressing their anger and I was trying to deal with it. But being out with my kids (and they had a good time) without my partner was incredibly sad and quite frankly it sucked. It's about an 1.5 hr. drive and I cried a good deal of the way home while my two were in the back watching their DVDs. I missed not having my wife there with me and our kids. But then this morning something strange happened. Just as I was about to leave for work, my wife walks up to me and says, "Would you mind if I called your therapist?" I played it cool and said, "No. Sure!" I gave her my therapist's card and later found out from my therapist that she made an appt. to see her tomorrow before my scheduled appt. The fact that she brought herself to go see my therapist (who is a marriage counselor) seriously boosts my hopes. I think being along without her family around on Sunday rattled her cage a bit, and I know with this house she bought and still hasn't told me about has got to be eating away at her. What would she do? Tell the father of her children that she is moving without me and I go out with the morning trash? I can't see that. I think many things are closing in on her and she has taken the first step. I hope it's all for the right reasons....
Does anyone see this the same way I see this? She is coming to me. She wants to meet with MY therapist. It can only lead to better communication...I hope...
GWS, just wanted to give you my support for your sit.
Try to avoid riding the emotional roller coaster that your W is taking you on. I've been on a crazy one myself and the best thing you can do is GAL, detach and let her see the results.
You don't want to get too excited about the W's changes. Take note and continue to see what happens. Let her come back to you. Easier said than done I know.
I saw my therapist today after she had met with the W. I was soooo nervous.
We talked about a lot of things now that she got some insight into our problems from my W. She said we are a very unusual case. For most of my session I didn't think it was going well and I thought maybe she was trying to make me start looking to the future alone or not to get so hung up on fixing my M. But then she said that my W had agreed to see my therapist together with me. I totally lost it because for the first time it seemed my wife was finally saying she's willing to meet me halfway and see what therapy can do.
Question: To all those who finally got your W to attend marriage counseling: What was that first session like? Painful I guess? Lots of dirty laundry? So curious....
I hear you gws, The Dance of Intimacy was the first book my MC had me read and it was excellent. She also had us read Hold Me Tight, by Dr Sue Johnson - also for intimacy/attachment issues. Also excellent. Good to hear your W agreed to see a MC with you, gws. I can appreciate what that must have meant to you. I'm in a different sitch, but same deal; I'm going, my H refuses to. No fun.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
It's been a few weeks since I posted, and I wanted to let people know what is (or isn't) going on. My wife and I had our second session together this morning. The first one was with my theapist, and today's was with hers. The tone of this session was totally horrible. It was as though we were back at the beginning and most of the discussion was about my wife's desire for an amicable separation. I am so confused and angry. She expressed her lack of interest in making anything work with me, she said she sees me as an intruder in the house and she feels like she can't get to work on herself with me around. She feels she needs to work on her problems alone so that she can be strong for our kids. She says she doesn't want me to help or support her in her getting in touch with what she wants to change about herself. Her therapist is a monster. She doesn't fight for the relationship, she just sat there and said, "You feel like you're changing and that your problems can be worked out together," and she doesn't. And then she just stares at me. And then I had to hear all of the talk about how wonderful it is to be a co-parent and how my relationship with my kids can still be very close and fullfilling without the emotional attachment to my wife. My wife says her perfect scenario for us is like the one between Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. They spend time together with the kids, they vacation together, etc. I felt like screaming! My wife admittedly is not good at expressing her needs, and instead of working on it, she wants to split up and work on it alone. I said, "And you will work on expressing yourself to whom? The wall?" She feels like working on the M is a waste of energy because she doesn't see herself changing her feelings (the ones she can't express). When my therapist met with us she told my W she is working on the whole relationship, when I meet with her therapist, I am put on the hotseat and spoon fed how I am supposed to feel post-separation. I finally called Divorce Busting and scheduled my sessions. I am totally desperate and will not stop fighting.
