How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

Well, that's how she felt for ten years right? She felt like she was trying and you were being counter productve and negative

She kept it up for ten years... how long can you last feeling like she did?

This is a blatant test man.. she's testing to see if you have the balls to be a married man when its really painful.. and trust me if she ain't mounting another man each night while you do all this work you don't know what pain is... you got it GOLD

You are right. Compared to other sitches this is GOLD. It could be so much worse for me and I am very grateful it is not. One thing that plagues me is the thought - Even though I was a complete a-hole most of the time, I did not ever deny her affection, intimacy - and so sometimes I think "I was never this bad" but the fact is I was worse! I will do what it takes to save my marriage.

---------------------------------------------

What did work, I failed to mark down or remember, and those positive changes faded away. In other instances what did work, no longer works.

When my sitch first began I overwhelmed my W with love and praise, she told me "thats what I always wanted, I just don't trust you and believe its true, I have to believe you." Then it became "too little too late" and then "I will never be happy with you" that's when the A started to surface. I stopped doing what no longer worked. The A was confronted, she is no longer as bitter and nasty as she was. I have not gone back to doing those things that worked when the sitch first began because I have learned the following.

- Anytime I ask or mentioned something that suggest there is a future she kills that thought quickly with "I'm leaving."

- Anything that would make me think there is a hope for a future she won't entertain. For example making any decision for improving the household ect.

I remember when this all began and I covered the bathroom mirror with heart shaped post-it notes. One each post-it I wrote a reason for why I loved her. She took a picture on her cellphone and left a post-it for me and it read -

"I want to be loved unconditional, I want happiness. I want this far fetched dream to be reality."

I then researched what exactly is unconditional love and in essence I gathered - to love someone with no prejudice, no matter of appearance, no matter how loving or bitter than person is toward you. Like a dogs love for it's owner or quite simply god's love.