Struggling with Hope

[Bworl]

Eric,

I know that you are devastated and in pain. Every one writing to you has experienced their own version of that hell we go through when our marriage is yanked from our hands.

Do you know what an animal does when it is wounded? It finds a safe place and lies down, then it tends to it's wounds. If undisturbed, that animal will stay in that resting and healing state until it knows it is safe to venture out again.


Sometimes our human complexity works against us. Because when we are wounded, we tend to try to fix what hurt us and leave the healing part for later.


You need time to heal. You need time to focus on yourself, find some emotional stability, and begin the long and slow process of self-evaluation and change.



Too many people come here in a wounded state and can think of nothing but trying to fix what brought them pain - the marriage relationship. These are hurting people. These are wounded and flawed people who have just discovered that they have lost a precious thing to them AND, if they can manage the clarity, they are realizing that they had a role in losing that thing. It's a double or even triple whammy that almost literally knocks the life out of you.



You HAVE acknowledged your role. You HAVE begun the process of self-reflection and you HAVE begun to make changes in yourself. But you know that in your mind you were expecting or hoping that a few moments change would be enough to cause your wife to realize the error of her ways. Your change, no matter how honest and legitimate, was being done to provoke a change in your wife.



Change CAN do that.


But it doesn't happen that fast.



There are years of wounds in your marriage. Doesn't it just make sense that if there is healing to come, it also might take years?


This is a long haul deal and, as we have told you, it's not for the faint of heart. The truth is that we almost always have to get to the point of giving up that thing that is so precious to us before we see it possibly come back.



This is not a formula. There is no set sequence of steps and there is no time frame. That's because we are dealing with people here. Hurt people at that.



Your wife is doing wrong. She is wronging her marriage, her family, you, and even herself. She has moved on a course of action built out of her own issues and hurts. Her trip makes no sense to you because her trip is not your trip. You can't take that journey with her because not only does she not want you on her trip, but you would never survive on her trip.



Eric, you need time for you. You need to remove yourself from the drama, the hurt, the chaos. And yes, I know you are in the same house and that makes it hard. But it does not make it impossible.



You might be defeated right now, but you have not lost. You and you alone get to decide how you will view the days, weeks, and months to come. There is opportunity there if you will choose to reach out for it.



Blessings,

Bill