After reading your guys' responses about kids and your husbands blowing up etc I'm really feeling horrible about myself. I did yell at her a few times in the heat of the argument, I did criticize her for stupid stuff (not realizing that's how she'd take it) and despite my trying not to, it even happened in front of DD a few times because she's with us 99% of the time. Ugh!
Ok, well you're not going to get off with beating yourself up so easily . This is advice that's easy to give our friends, harder to give yourself- but I truly believe that you did the best you could as often as you could and maybe you made a few mistakes, but that should be ok- it should be ok to make mistakes without it meaning the end of a marriage. Most of us have disagreed in front of our kids- when I was referring to my parents, keep in mind that this was over almost 20 years with tons of emotional abuse and intimidation, financial blackmail issues, and all sorts of yucky stuff they did. And I'm talking lots and lots of yelling and crying- not just a few times. They had no regard for whether we were listening or being affected. Anyone reading your posts knows how much you care about your D and would do anything to protect her. Kids can take a few arguments without being damaged. Give yourself a break. Also, something I'm trying to remind myself of often: I cannot go back and change what I did in the past, only now. If I have a chance, I will change my behavior now every time the opportunity comes up. If I can't have another chance to change my behavior (in my case, I can't in some areas right now), then it's not in my control, and I shouldn't make myself feel bad about that.
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I feel that she's right - and it is my fault and now it's just too little too late. In my up-bringing parents arguing and sometimes getting upset at eachother was OK and part of life, they always said life is tough and always has its ups and downs but what's important is unity and love amongst us. But maybe that's not healthy and that's why she thinks DD is better off separate than together? Actually, I really don't even know exactly what it is this time that she doesn't like - I'm sure it's multiple things.
Ah, you're getting sucked into her mind games- RESIST!! It can't be just YOUR fault. Who left? Who did her share of undermining or disrespecting, or whatever else she did? It's very interesting that, with all the introspection you do, that it's not clear to you what it is this time. Maybe that's b/c it's not clear to her either, so you can't get a read on it. My H is doing the blame thing too- and really, it sounds ridiculous when you hear someone else say it. How can a D be my fault when I say I don't want one??!! That if it were up to me I wouldn't choose it? And then he literally comes back and says "it's your fault". What?? But I get sucked in too. It's because we're the ones thinking and working hard to try to figure out how we contributed and how we can fix things. We're the ones spending the time thinking and taking responsibility and they are doing the opposite. It must really help them sleep at night to blame us.
You know what you wrote above is not true. If you know how you contributed, that is good, IMO. If you've taken responsibility, tried to make amends for and changes to your behavior for yourself and your family's sake, that's healthy too, I believe. But taking on blame that's not ours is going too far. Please remind me of this when I start talking silly, too
(((Romeo)))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
. This is advice that's easy to give our friends, harder to give yourself- but I truly believe that you did the best you could as often as you could and maybe you made a few mistakes, but that should be ok- it should be ok to make mistakes without it meaning the end of a marriage. Most of us have disagreed in front of our kids- when I was referring to my parents, keep in mind that this was over almost 20 years with tons of emotional abuse and intimidation, financial blackmail issues, and all sorts of yucky stuff they did. And I'm talking lots and lots of yelling and crying- not just a few times. They had no regard for whether we were listening or being affected. Anyone reading your posts knows how much you care about your D and would do anything to protect her. Kids can take a few arguments without being damaged. Give yourself a break. Also, something I'm trying to remind myself of often: I cannot go back and change what I did in the past, only now. If I have a chance, I will change my behavior now every time the opportunity comes up. If I can't have another chance to change my behavior (in my case, I can't in some areas right now), then it's not in my control, and I shouldn't make myself feel bad about that.
