flowmom | need to commit to myself

[alice444]

When I was posting to Jaime's thread, I realized the depth of the mindgames that are going on in my sitch.

H is playing the part of the "good guy" and "good father". He is clinging onto being seen as someone who is fulfilling his responsibilities...even though he dropped the ball years ago by refusing to deal with the issues.

That sounds so similar to mine- and his concern about "what people think" of him. He mentioned it in another email today- got all bent out of shape at me and worried that people would think he was an absent father because I asked my mom to babysit on the weekend after H has told me how mad he gets when I assume he'll take care of D if I have plans- no matter what I try to do- even if it's something he said he wanted- he takes offense or makes it about him and how he looks... If they don't want to look absent, they should do 50% of the child care with a cheerful attitude without having to be asked!!

And I'm playing a part too. "I'm not going to make this easy on you by being a b*tch about it." My revenge is maximizing his guilt by being good and nice. The truth is that he had reasons for leaving, and he may have done us a favour by doing it (though that does NOT apply to how it's affecting our children).

I think most of us are playing this part, FM. Are you getting any satisfaction out of it? I am, a little. I try to keep in mind that when I look back or when my D asks about it one day, I'll have a clear conscience about how I conducted myself.

Authenticity is probably one of my highest values. I am finding it very hard not to clear the air by speaking my truth to H. My truth is that I did have some power in the R and I made some poor and misguided choices as a person and as a wife. I want to take responsibility for that. In spite of the devastation of being abandoned, I don't want to be in a victim role here, and not being a victim means recognizing the consequences of one's own actions and inactions (!!!).

I agree with whoever said to write it down and not send it. I think I need to write a few of those letters myself. They can't hear us right now, which is so frustrating when the stakes are so high and we WANT to communicate with them. It's maddening. But they so cannot hear us, it's very sad. Even if they did hear us, all it would do is make them angry b/c they might have to acknowledge their part in things, which they don't like.

I am annoyed by the superficiality of our interactions. I feel that I am participating in a ridiculous charade where our shared history together is now expressed on the level of how you would conduct a transaction with a bank teller.

Oh God, I feel the same way! Or just knowing that it now seems off-limits to give a hug, approach the bathroom when he has the door open or is changing-- It's surreal; I've been with this man almost 12 years and suddenly we're more like acquaintences in how we interact and give each other space. It's sad space, this distance of sometimes only a few feet or inches with someone we used to know so well. I can relate to what you're saying-