I've been having discussions in my head. I keep telling myself that I need to be my own agent. So the agent voice is telling me everything you guys are saying. But the wimpy, whiny voice keeps saying, "But, but, but..." I wish I could kick the crap out of the wimpy, whiny voice.
Quote:
I have only recently made the decision to call my H's bluff and it is his loss....
And like Rob said earlier, maybe someday they will wake up and realize the mistake they made, maybe they won't. It just seems like she is the one constantly forcing my hand to help her push this along. Making me do all the hard work. Gee... how original W. Just like our marriage.
So Serenity, did he file? Is it final? BTW, I love your name. I'm a huge Joss Whedon "Firefly" fan. However, I'm sure that is not why you chose it, but it is still cool.
The W couldn't even say "I want a divorce". She still hasn't. I had to ask my own bomb, "What are you saying? Do you want a divorce". She just got to said, "yes". It's always "get together to talk about arrangements" or "I don't see a future for us together". Holy sh*t. Just say it already. It's easy. "D-I-V-O-R-C-E". It's not a hard word to pronounce. Well that's it. I wash my hands of doing her dirty work. She can put on her big girl panties and take over from here. Grrr..
I'm putting way to much thought into this. Nothing has really changed other than I have a lot more room in the house. Nothing has been a surprise so far. I have no control over it, so no sense worrying. What happens, happens. Got to stop analyzing it. Focus on the realities. Keep DBing. Shut up wimpy, whiny voice.
I did get something interesting in the mail. A birthday card from my FIL. My MIL is the one who sends the cards. He was the only one to sign it and he signed off "Love". Very weird. That is a definite first. I wonder what's going on.
While I'd love to wait to hear from MF on this. I gotta GAL. I'm doing a huge 180. I bought myself a set of golf clubs for my bd. A guy at work built them for me. And they were very reasonable. I need to pick them up and buy bag.
I haven't golfed since I was 16. I am usually very down on the sport. But it seems like everyone I know does it and it has limited my interaction with people by not doing it. I start classes week after this Saturday.
I've been having discussions in my head. I keep telling myself that I need to be my own agent. So the agent voice is telling me everything you guys are saying. But the wimpy, whiny voice keeps saying, "But, but, but..." I wish I could kick the crap out of the wimpy, whiny voice.
Quote:
I have only recently made the decision to call my H's bluff and it is his loss....
And like Rob said earlier, maybe someday they will wake up and realize the mistake they made, maybe they won't. It just seems like she is the one constantly forcing my hand to help her push this along. Making me do all the hard work. Gee... how original W. Just like our marriage.
So Serenity, did he file? Is it final? BTW, I love your name. I'm a huge Joss Whedon "Firefly" fan. However, I'm sure that is not why you chose it, but it is still cool.
The W couldn't even say "I want a divorce". She still hasn't. I had to ask my own bomb, "What are you saying? Do you want a divorce". She just got to said, "yes". It's always "get together to talk about arrangements" or "I don't see a future for us together". Holy sh*t. Just say it already. It's easy. "D-I-V-O-R-C-E". It's not a hard word to pronounce. Well that's it. I wash my hands of doing her dirty work. She can put on her big girl panties and take over from here. Grrr..
I'm putting way to much thought into this. Nothing has really changed other than I have a lot more room in the house. Nothing has been a surprise so far. I have no control over it, so no sense worrying. What happens, happens. Got to stop analyzing it. Focus on the realities. Keep DBing. Shut up wimpy, whiny voice.
I did get something interesting in the mail. A birthday card from my FIL. My MIL is the one who sends the cards. He was the only one to sign it and he signed off "Love". Very weird. That is a definite first. I wonder what's going on.
--Fergie
Again NO PRESSURE, asking her if she wants a divorce and you telling us that she couldn't even say it but you kept asking, well that is ...... PRESSURE.
Stop that. Remember the rules I put out before, pressuring doesn't work, it never does, let it be.
As for the divorce arrangements, I'm very sure she doesn't want to have to do that work, she might do it but I'm telling you she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger, she feels guilty enough with her affair and telling you she doesn't want to be married to you anymore and knowing the effect that all of this has on you. That's why I said.... let her take care of the divorce arrangements, I gave you the script, use that and stop asking so many f!@#$* questions, you have to act as if you don't care, asking those questions was a form of pursuing, asking her for her feelings, asking her if she really wanted a divorce, wanting her to admit it, etc.
When she says things like "I don't see a future for us together...", I want you to agree and put a positive spin on it. "You're right WIFE, it's hopeless, it's impossible, I agree with you, it will never work out between us".
Yes allow her to put on her big girl panties and do the work.
As for the in-laws, call them and thank them for the card.
My H is only home on Wednesday evenings. (He works out of town during the week.) How am I supposed to explain my tears and loss of eye make-up, while I ran into my office "for just a minute". I am sorry, my friend. I read part of this while I was waiting for my boys to finish soccer training, and started the tears then.
This is the beginning of the rest of your life. This is the beginning of letting your wife go. This is the beginning of loving yourself as no other.
If there's a chance to reconcile, it will come from this type of action. It won't if there's pressure added.
She won't have time to realize what's missing, if you're there. She won't have time to appreciate what you gave to her, if you're there. She won't have time to get rid of her personal ghosts, if you're there.
You don't want a cheater. You want to be the chosen one, without other options in view.
Grieve and get it out. You could be letting go of the worst, but so close to grabbing hold of the best.
HUGS, friend.
I'll be back in an hour and a half or so...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Ack MF! After reading your post I realized I didn't run today! Was bottling whiskey this morning and doing yard work this afternoon. Grr. Must do it first thing tomorrow morning.
LOVE Joss Whedon! Never really got into Firefly because I don't like Westerns but did see Serenity and now the entire series is in my Netflix queue. I was a Buffy/Angel devotee and love love loved Dr. Horrible.
I'm glad you had fun last night. That's what birthdays are supposed to be. Tsk tsk on not using it to get women to buy you drinks though. Wasted opportunity!
It is going to be hard. But know that you are doing the right thing. When I would get down I asked myself, Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? That did the trick.
Now that you've got all the extra space in the house, what are you going to do with it? Change the paint color? Rearrange the furniture? (I didn't do that because the house is already the way I wanted it, but it's a great thing to do to feel a change.)
Taking up golf is a great idea. The weather is getting nice, you'll be able to socialize and network. Excellent GAL and 180 combined.
Read and reread Rob's rules as many times as necessary. Print them out and keep them in your wallet if you have to.
I'm off to dinner with friends. Have a good evening!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I agree with all the advice you have been given. Now following it is the hard part and you seem to be off to a very good start. Dealing with your emotions is going to be even harder.
You are going to have good days and bad days and everything in between. Enjoy the good days and learn from the bad ones.
PH is right. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? I have to remind myself this often.
Oh BTW, I can kinda golf, but golfing with a beer can in your teeth. Now that is a talent you should desire to learn.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
The name - Serenity Prayer....Long story however I learned that prayer a very long time ago...
As for my H...No he didn't file...It was held over my head for about a year....Always a threat and eventually (as in the past 3 weeks) I told him fine...I had had enough...
I waited and waited with this dangling over my life and realized that he wasn't going to do it...He would eat the cake as long as I allowed it, so I closed the bakery...
Got the papers...Filled them out and once he found out what I wanted, he started dragging his feet...Told me last week he made a mistake however won't do anything to change the situation...
So as I feared, I continued to grow while he continued to sink...Now our time is over...I won't be controlled by him anymore...
I know that He has something, someone better out there for me...What I truly wish is that everyone would get there a lot quicker then I did...
I had an awful lot of help getting to this place however it still took me over a year...
I still falter - Trust me when I say this...
Yet each time I reach out and try, he slams the door in my face...
So the way I see it...Why would I want to be with someone who treats me like a dog when I know in my heart there is someone out there who will treat me like the jewel I am?
You can choose the "safe" road or you can choose the "unknown" road...
I choose the "safe" one for over 20 years...Now I am soaring along the "unknown".
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
HUGS! OK, gotta read up. Just did THE RUN again!