The siren's call...It's like heroin, isn't it? I'm not one to offer any advice there, just that I understand. When W want sex, when she's in a good mood, things seem like they're back to normal. There is no normal right now. If you could turn her down and not have sex, I think that would freak her out. I know I have disappointed Sandi with that, but I know she is right. She knows that all she has to do is seduce you and you will be putty in her hands. Same here. Then I feel like a big a$$ because in the morning, all is back to the same ol' same ol'. It ain't worth it.
Same when she's in a good mood. Go with it, enjoy it, but don't get used to it, it won't last. The roller coaster is here to stay for a while and we have to get used to it.
You know what to expect now, so you are able to see it coming and steel yourself against it. go with the flow, be easygoing all the time. I'm still working on it, but I know that it would be worth it in the long run for my own peace of mind. I'm always learning and getting better at it. I know if I would have listened to everyone when I first got here, I would be in a better place. We all have to go at our own pace, but these people know what they are talking about!
Not sure we'll even get to that point but only time will tell. Today is W BD and we have plans to go to dinner and then a Michael Buble concert that I got tickets for back in December when we decided we would go as friends. Got her a "Friend" card and ordered her present over the internet last Monday but it didn't ship until Friday and I'm not sure if it will even be here by today.
I've been in a funk the past few days and I'm not sure what that is about. Saw my lady friend yesterday and talked for a little bit but just felt "off" about the whole thing. It might be tough to get upbeat and positive for tonight but I am going to do my best to "act as if" and have a great time at dinner and the show with my W. No M talk! No R talk! Just listening and validating if anything comes up to validate.
Received a Facebook message from a friend who mentioned a single friend of hers as someone who might be good to go to shows and things like that with. I'll probably look into it but I just wish I could shake this funk and know what it means.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Just some ironic things that I have been thinking about concerning W.
On Feb. 22, go to Elton John, Billy Joel concert and as we are leaving W mentions that people keep asking her if she is moving back home (1000 miles away) and she says "No way" to everyone. On March 20 she drops the bomb that she IS moving home at least for the Summer and maybe longer. How a WAW's mind must work?
25 years ago she needs to get away from OM and moves in with me because we need a room mate. 25 years later she needs to get away from me to go see if OM is "the one"! Same guy! Can you say IRONIC and SAD!
The other night W complains that she wishes that she wouldn't have been "talked into" giving up the house by the mediator and me. She just doesn't see that her settlement check would have been reduced by $250K in order to do that and I didn't point it out to her. I swear she is trying to test me when she says and does these things. They certainly are coming from an emotional place because they defy any kind of logic!
Just needed to vent!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
you're allowed to vent and when she brings up the settlement, just tell her that getting a divorce settlement doesn't mean you're going to get rich, more times than not, you're going to end up with less money then expected and a pile of expenses on top of that to deal with. Consequences for the choices made, sucks to be her.
You didn't "talk her" into anything, if you had that ability you would have prevented the divorce by talking her into working on the marriage so her excuse is just bull$hit, and you can tell her that too.
If anything tell her you think she got too much :-)
Yes her feelings and responses are coming from an emotional place and yes it's not logical, she's the WAW, expect it and smile!
Well the BD dinner and concert with W went very well. I was upbeat as I waited in her apartment for her to get ready and on the drive down. The common theme seems to be that she is having a lot of bad days and that she wants to blame it on her ADD medicine not working very well. (I have a different idea on why she is so scattered and having so many bad days but I didn't say anything! )
Dinner was nice. It was a record 82 here yesterday so we sat outside. No R talk and no M talk! Just light and fluffy conversation. I did mention that I was invited to a party Friday night by a mutual lady friend of ours that she doesn't like all that much and that another mutual friend was trying to fix me up with a woman she knows and W also asked about my lady friend.
W talked about her moving back for the summer and that the more she thinks about it the more she is questioning if it is a good idea. Of course everyone wants her to come back which is the main reason she is going back but it's as if she is going to be doing all kinds of things for everyone back there and nothing for herself.
Our S is coming home in a few weeks and she tried her darnedest to get him to switch his visit so she could go back home that weekend and audition at the local dinner theater. She seemed pretty ticked that he wouldn't listen to her and change his dates. That's another thing that I have noticed with her. She seems to have VERY strong opinions on what the kids should be doing and tries to force her opinion/will on them and she really seems to hate it when they don't follow her lead. Is that a WAW symptom like DB coach Chuck was saying? Is this the play/drama of one and the kids aren't "following her script"? It sure seems like it.
I had left the card in the car so after dinner we drove to the arena for the concert and before we got out of the car I gave her the card. She said that she liked it and when we both got out of the car she gave me a big hug. We then went into the arena and I bought her a BD drink and we had our picture taken and waited for the concert to start.
I had a great time and felt much better about everything than I did at the Elton John/Billy Joel concert last month. I feel that I have detached and I did NOT have the urges I had last month to want and touch her. I was able to enjoy myself more and she seemed like she was able to also but not as much as I was. She did get some texts from OM but I acted like I didn't see it or didn't care which is more or less true.
She was talking about how bad her day had been and I kept telling her that we would certainly try and fix that tonight by having a great time. We drove back to the house to see if her present had arrived and it hadn't so I drove her back to her apartment and we had part of a big cupcake from the restaurant and then we talked a little and I left. Went to the door and said goodbye and didn't ask for a hug and she didn't offer to give one which I thought was interesting but I din't let it get to me because I had a great night and it kind of felt like going out with a co-worker or friend instead of my W.
Should I be concerned that I'm not finding her as attractive as I used to or is this a good sign? I really think that this sitch is having a negative impact on her because she talked about crying in front of D. I also tried to validate some of the things that she had mentioned last Saturday night.
She called today to talk about medical insurance and I needed to talk to her about this anyway because our insurance is changing tomorrow. I also set up an appointment for her to meet me at the bank on Saturday morning because we need to get a signature seal or some such thing to remove her from the mutual funds. I asked about when she wanted her present and she said that I could bring it on Saturday morning.
The other thing that I have noticed is that she is fixated on what we are going to do on Easter. She keeps asking if I have plans and do I want to have brunch at her apartment complex with D. I keep telling her that I am wide open to doing anything but she doesn't seem to want to make a decision.
My goal is to try and go dark again and not initiate contact. It should be interesting though with Easter and then my BD next Tuesday but I'm really busy with rehearsals for a show I'm in, singing in the choir for Holy Thursday, Easter Vigil, and Easter Sunday and next week is tech/Hell week for the show so I am busy every night and the show opens on Thursday and runs through Sunday. D is planning on going but I don't know if W will go with her or not. I also have to get taxes done this weekend so it should be fun!
That's about it. Let me know where I screwed up, I can take it and I always need it!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Start of a new quarter, start of a new month, start of no initiated contact with W, start of going dark and GAL for me!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Another great post from robx on another thread that I wanted on mine so that I could find it quickly when I am feeling down and unsure. It really rang true with me!
Originally Posted By: robx
Of course she didn't seem surprised, she put on the fake face, just like you were when you were going through the script, remember? Be awesome, act as if life is great, super, be happy, upbeat. Even though on the inside you don't want any of this to happen, you still did it, you act as if this was the best thing to do and guess what, no argument. She didn't argue with you, she agreed with you because you agreed with her. Did you see that, you were agreeing with her feelings, she had nothing to fight against, how could she, you agreed with her. If you had argued and said "stop this nonsense and come home and lets work on this!", she would have argued, you would have been against her feelings.
Agree with them. They're following their feelings, even if their feelings are wrong, just agree with them, even if you have to bite down hard on your tongue and leave a permanent wound, LOL just agree with them.
"Hey husband, I'm flying to the moon, I made these wings, what do you think about my plan? I think it will work"
"Hey wife, I agree with you, you should try it out!"
Totally stupid right? But think about it. If you had replied back that's a dumb horrible idea, you would not be agreeing with them, you would be against them and more importantly against their feelings and we know that her emotions are running the show, not logic. So how do you get back with this person? You agree with them, "this is all for the best, I agree with you wife, I want you to be happy, and I'm helping you move on and you know what I'll be happy too, no hard feelings, k?"
She can't argue with you, you've agreed with her, you only argue with people that don't agree with you.
So getting back to appearances, you put on the happy face when you talked to her and she did the same thing. You didn't expect her to come running back to you right then & there, that's not realistic, I told you before, follow reality, reality doesn't lie, she wants to go, agree with her, "you're right, you should go." She expects an argument, she expects you to disagree but you didn't do either of these things and guess what? You threw her off balance. This is too easy, I expected a struggle, I expected an argument and he's ok with this, I don't understand? Why isn't he crying and depressed and sad and angry? Why is he happy? Why is he agreeing with me? He never agreed before? I don't get it, I was expecting that he would fight with me and argue with me to stay.
She put on her game face too but not as successful as you I would gather considering you think she was on the verge of tears.
As for your gut.... I agree that she is still seeing the OM and yeah she's in a fog. Don't assume permanently, nothing is permanent, you thought you would be married forever, and now you're not so sure anymore, neither is she. If the OM didn't work out and I would probably assume that option more, it's a good thing. Her feelings are hurt, you are moving on, she is now thinking in her head, "have I made a mistake?", let her deal with those thoughts, don't help her with them, its good for her to question her ideas and feelings, she thought this was going to be a ride in the park and now it's not. You're moving on, you're changing the house around, getting ready for the single life, you packed her things, offered to help her load them into a truck and this is going very fast, too fast in her mind.
Let her deal with her thoughts. No pursuing. No phone calls, texts, emails, etc. You can reply but when you reply, take your time, you don't need to rush and reply back the very minute she contacts you. Let the call go to voicemail, reply back in an hour. Let the email sit in the inbox, reply back in an hour or two. Let the text sit on your phone, reply back 30-60 min. later, "sorry I was busy, out with a friend, didn't have time to reply back, what's up?"
All of this gives her the impression that you're moving on, you've accepted this, you don't want this anymore either, what you had wasn't that great, you have high standards, if she isn't going to love you and make a relationship easier than it isn't worth your time anymore. If she cares, she'll show it, she'll pursue you, in fact she has to pursue you, if you pursue her, she'll just run away, she needs to pursue you, she needs to feel like she has to chase you, if there is no effort on her part, it won't be worth it to her.
You could improve yourself to be the "coolest guy" in town but that's not for her, you're doing that for you. Part of you getting ready for casual social interactions with other women (ie. dating).
Don't assume what she thinks in her head, you don't have a clue, and playing that game will leave you exhausted and wrong every time. Let her deal with her ideas and thoughts, you deal with living a great life.
You feelin' me bro?
So far so good, keep up the good work!
This makes so much sense and I hope I can stick to what I'm doing!
Thanks robx!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
"Hey husband, I'm flying to the moon, I made these wings, what do you think about my plan? I think it will work"
"Hey wife, I agree with you, you should try it out!"
Too Funny!
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
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