NOt to borrow trouble from the future, but I can really imagine a scenario in which H does NOT move forward towards adulthood again but instead hides out at home getting mothered there and then coming over to your house to get mothered by you. What can you do not to be a part of that but still stay open to rebuilding R?
Wow, rr22. Excellent question. This will require some serious introspection. Any and all suggestions accepted.
"Sounds like something rude to say. Or at least clueless in its hurtfulness."
Bingo! I think it was completely clueless and thoughtless. And the odd thing is that he thought it should make me realize what a grown-up he really is or is trying to become.
If he and I see each other during my break, then I think something light and quick would be best. Unless he quits his current job by the time my vacation starts, he'll be at work, and I'll be left to my own devices. [Insert gleeful laugh here.]
I agree with everything that rr is posting to you. Her input is so useful for you because she's further along in a sitch that has some parallels.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom, you're so right. rr22 has some great insights and extremely valuable advice. I'm going to reexamine all of it when I'm a woman of leisure over the next ten days!
Well, I just had a more than hour-long conversation with my sister-in-law (H's brother's wife). Brother- and sister-in-law married in May of the same year that H and I married (we married in December of that year). She and I have been close, and I've missed seeing her/talking to her during the separation.
I texted her tonight to check in with her (something that's happened a half dozen times since the separation). I asked her in a text if she was able to talk for a few minutes. She immediately called me, and we talked for an hour+.
We had a great conversation, and I implicitly trust her to keep what we discussed in confidence. [I know that she can be completely trusted because she hasn't told my mother-in-law any of the things we have ever discussed!]
Here are the high points from the conversation:
*She continues to be stunned and confused by the separation (join the club) *Our mother-in-law is VERY sad about the separation (don't know why this slightly surprised me) *Our mother-in-law is slightly unhappy about H staying there *Family members are NOT encouraging H to divorce me; evidently it is not really being discussed *H hasn't talked about our situation much with family members (odd because he says he is talking to them) *H's brother (her husband) told her that H is a bottler and doesn't tell what he's thinking or feeling (aha!) *She supports reconciliation efforts and asked if she should talk to him (No! No! No!)
I have, at times, felt very isolated and alone, and I've missed being with H's family for gatherings. I've also been envious of H's being surrounded by family during our separation while I'm here alone. I'm relieved to know that my sister-in-law supports me and that I'm not the only one who sees that H doesn't communicate what he thinks or feels.
Sister-in-law will be making an in-person visit on Friday. I look forward to spending some time with her.
Almost time for my vacation to start! As of noon tomorrow, I'll be free for ten days!
That sounds great. It's nice to know that you are not alone in this or resented by his family. I hope you enjoy your visit with your SIL when she comes by. I'm sure it can't all be wine and roses over there with his Mom with him grumping around like that...
I'm looking forward to visiting with my sister-in-law, rr22. She and I have always enjoyed spending time together, and it's good to still have her friendship. I am so relieved that I haven't been vilified, at least in the presence of sister-in-law.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall at my mother-in-law's house . . .
Ten days of bliss. Indescribable freedom. Limitless possibilities.
The vacation has begun with a bang. I had a fun lunch with five friends today, and I had enough left over for dinner (always a plus). After lunch, I shopped at two of my favorite places. I got a birthday gift for my former stepsister, who is very dear to me and to whom I am very close. I also got some things for me. I tried on many things, and I ended up with 8 new tops. I didn't choose 8 tops on purpose--it just happened to be that I got the same amount as my favorite number.
After shopping, I came home and enjoyed the mid-70s weather and lovely sunshine while Boxer dog ran amok in the yard. Best friend stopped by for a visit, which was great. Later, I did a good deed for a child, which is something I try to do often.
Now Boxer dog and I are sharing the couch. He's snoozing while I enjoy wine and Law & Order reruns.
Today was a great day, despite still being separated from the one I love. I made no contact with him today, and I didn't hear from him. However, I enjoyed myself so much today that it didn't bother me greatly.
I'm excited about ten productive and relaxing days. The books are waiting for me to read them, and I have plans to get my hair done and get a pedicure. The rest will fall into place as the days progress.
I'm getting ahead of myself, though. The fun will begin only after I mow the lawn tomorrow!
