1. Ask the therapist what they think. Don't just DO IT, just ask for their input. 2. My advice may be the same, might be different, here it is : You ask the Therapist to put their name and # on one of his business cards inviting her my HAND... make sure they WRITE on the card... inviting her to call and make an appointment any time she wants to... just an open invite from the therapist.
You just put the card on the table and let her know its from the therapist. You do NOT HAND her the card. you put it on the table and wait for HER to PICK it UP... when SHE wants to.
The card has a friendly handwritten invite on the back from the therapist, she can use it if she wants to.
If your wife ASKS you after picking it up to make her a separate appointment or whatever, do that... but do NOT just walk home and try to get her into a verbal conversation for a commitment to an appointment.
You need to understand approaching a WS for conversation to them they just see a big NET hanging off the ceiling and they want to RUN.
So, don't do the convo. put the invite on the card, from the therapist and let her call the shots.
She MIGHT find the task of making the call too stressful and ask you do it.
Do it then.. don't RUN to the PHONE.. just say "sure, no problem" and go make a sandwich or something... don't make a huge deal of it... you do a handspring and she will feel trapped again.
your wife needs to feel like SHE is in CONTROL... so give her control of it... no harm there.
Make the appointment privately, don't do it in front of her... It's just going to stress her out.
You need to keep the appointment booking thing REALLY casual... she will smell it as a trap, mine did bigtime.
Over the past few weeks periodically my wife will grab my phone and check the logs. And if you have been reading along, yesterday, I receive a call from OM and OMW which prompt my wife to check the phone logs.
Later in the day I asked her "Do you feel like I am hiding something from you" she said "I don't know" I told her "I would like you to know I don't and if you would like to know something feel free to ask."
Today (short while ago) I heard a noise and I started to walk around the house to try and find out what it was. I was lead to the bedroom where my W was sleeping. She looked at me and I asked "Did you hear a noise" she replied "It was my phone, my father text messaged me" she then proceeded to tell me what the text read and part of it was "Will I see you on Saturday" and I asked "Did you tell him, yes?" because she had already told me she was going on Saturday. She said no and she said it is OK. The issue is her father text her and she does not reply and sometimes the text is "Are you OK?" leading her father to believe she is not OK causing him to worry.
I got upset and tried my best to stay calm and cool but did say "That's not fair" meaning not fair for her to keep her father in suspense and his reaction is going to be "You got to get out of there."
a few minutes later I get a call and when it ended she immediately wanted to know who it was. I jokingly said "someone" but then told her i was kidding and said who called (I know I crossed the line there).
It got to me more than it should had....so the question is...should it bother me? Should I address this concern with her or would that come off as controlling?
Also I will ask the therapist during my next session.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Uh why is she checking YOUR phone? Does she let you look at hers? I would suggest you tell that she needs to ask before she looks. Not that you're hiding anything, but that's purely a lack of respect. She has to respect you.
She has to see that trust is a two-way street. She'll call you names and say you're an @$$ and what do you have to hide, etc. But hold your hand up and say that it is a matter of respect and you would like her to extend to you the same consideration you extend to her.
I think you need to hit her with doses of reality to break up her craziness and selfishness.
It's the same as the sitch with her father. SHE doesn't want to respond even though she knows he worries. Extremely childish and selfish. You don't need to say that she is self-centered, you just need to guide her so that when she does do something positive, she thinks it's her own decision.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My W actually does not call me names ect. (at least not to my face). My W also doe snot use profanity.
I think she is checking my phone because she thinks I might be retaliating back at her. Meaning if I thought she was having an A, she thinks I would do the same to get make it even.
She also thinks if its OK for me to talk to OMW, how is that different from her talking OM. I could give her 100 reasons but she still thinks what she was doing is nothing more than a "friendship" and is not wrong for doing it.
I need to gain control of my emotions when situations get tense. Every once in a while I slip back into the mindset that my feelings should matter to her.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
There is no quid pro quo here, at least there shouldn't be.
Puppy
OIN, the simple response about her challenge of double standard is :
"Everyone is in the loop when I have a conversation. You are welcome to hear, OM and OMW are all involved - THAT is the difference, and its a BIG difference to OM WIFE."
Don't mention what hers was, just tell her what a HEALTHY exchange looks like and cut it off.
Ouch... why did you make a joke like that? SEVEN STEPS BACK MAN.. every time you take a jab or a run at her you LOSE SEVEN GOOD STEPS you made forward... ouch ouch ouch
CONTROL YOURSELF
If her father is calling her to find out if she's ok just tell him your house is an open book. Hand him a key and tell him he is welcome to come over any day or night you are'nt hiding ANYTHING.. same deal as his daughter's getting.
Do NOT prompt her to ASK you if she wants the truth.. you are tempting her to conversations which is PURSIT
Your wife wants to KNOW what you are doing but does NOT want to TALK to you to find OUT.. get it? You NEED to GET that and stop poking at her. I remember you tried that line before. STOP prompting her to ASK you for the truth.. that is NOT setting a good example. Your WIFE will throw that at YOU when you call OMW.
You call OMW and YOUR WIFE will just say "if you want the truth.. ASK ME.. don't call her... ASK ME"
i agree...man I wish I was posting here when I needed to be...lots of good stuff from everyone.
OIN- the therapy thing suggested by AA is perfect- never tell W when an appointment is or if she can make it.
The phone ordeal- absolutely she has no right to look through it...W pulled that shirt on me...sadly I had texted a friend from work (female) about my sitch and it fed the flames...
Making her a sandwich- decent 180, but be careful she doesnt turn you into a doormat...
W wanted a beer once- I told her she could get it...she texted me from the couch..."get my beer bi^ch..."- she laughed and I laughed...and my dumbars got it for her b/c I was up anyway...
Didnt know a good way outta that one...but prob didn't look very good for me...
Well Jasper, I actually think its ok for her to look through his phone... he's got nothing to hide.
She's not cheating on him right now, so he really needs to turn the focus around to setting an example rather than being in affair-combatting mode...
Even if she won't let you look at her phone, I would still show her yours.. you got nothin to hide.. it may take her six months to get it and share hers, but who cares.. you are no worse off by setting the example so I say do it.... you can gain a lot by settin an example and you stand to LOSE a lot by not doing it.
If you want your wife to trust you and you want to trust her you have to take a FEW steps.. and sharing YOUR phone when there's NOTHING hidden in there ANYWAYS is a FREE step on your part... I say take it
