Hi starvingartist. I'm glad you found this board. It can be really painful to be in a relationship where the partners have mismatched levels of sexual dsire. And there are so many misconceptions about it that's it good to hear what others have to say.
You say that you and your husband have never had very frequent sex, even before marriage, and that he has told you again and again that he has "just never been a sexual person." Is there some reason you aren't willing to take him at his word? Just as it’s perfectly natrual (and normal) to have a high or moderate level of sexual desire, it’s perfectly natural (and normal) to have a low level. We’re all different. Your husband may just be one of those people who doesn’t desire sex very much or get a lot out of it.
I don’t think the fact that your husband watches porn once a week is very significant. He may be watching to try to feel sexual rather than to express sexual feelings. Or it may be that he is masturbating once per week, and that he prefers that to a sexual encounter with you becuase it is very simple, quick, undemanding, and exactly the way he wants it.
Sometimes a lack of sexual desire is a symptom of something else, and sometimes it just is what it is. Based on what you’ve posted, it’s possible you and your husband are just mismatched sexually. It’s critical to separate your husband’s level of sexual desire from your own feelings about yourself. It probably has nothing to do with you, and taking it personally will only get in the way of working things out.
If you approach your sexual problems that way – as a simple mismatch – it may be that you can come up with a compromise that works for both of you. For example, maybe you and your husband could agree to have sex twice a month, or once a week, or something you both can live with and enjoy. But I would completely give up on the idea of somehow making him want it more. You can’t make another person have a higher level of sexual desire, and if you try, you usually just wind up making them feel uncomfortable, lacking, guilty, etc.
