flowmom | need to commit to myself

[ImprovedRomeo]

Your H has so many demons to conquer. His own issues along with being "that guy".. the one who left his wife and children. Unless he makes some major changes that will always be a part of him and that is not your burden to carry.

CG, do they really feel the guilt? I'm not sure they do. They compartmentalize it all and believe that what they're doing is for everyone's benefit. My WAS believes that it's better for our DD...she's convinced of it. She doesn't acknowledge DD's sadness or crying when we're exchanging her. She always has a straight face as if she were saying 'she'll get used to it...'.

He literally will not hear you if you try to "clear the air" because he's brainwashed himself into another reality. I'd suggest, if you want to "speak" your truth, write it all down, and put away the paper.

I agree...this is what I did last time, I cleared the air over and over weeks after weeks, tried to make her see it my way, from DD's perspective and she wasn't hearing any of it. However, I think somwhere deep inside some of it must have sunk in at a
later stage...I would hope.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I want to cancel my plans tonight and beg H to let me keep my sick S at home, where he'd probably rather be. But I'm not going to. <sigh> I know it's stupid but I feel guilty about GAL tonight when I have a sick child. I guess not being overprotective continues to be an important 180 for me.

Oh FM, I so know this...that's me right there. When it comes to DD's safety/health etc (even W's) I turn into an overprotective mama bear.

Just say something like 'S6 can stay here tonight if you like...' if he says no then just know he'll take care of him and because you hinted at S6's condition he will (should?) be more aware/concerned about it.

[flowmom]

Just say something like 'S6 can stay here tonight if you like...' if he says no then just know he'll take care of him and because you hinted at S6's condition he will (should?) be more aware/concerned about it.

It sucks, but I think that S6 will have to pay the price here. It wasn't my idea to have overnights, but if H wants that then he can deal with the non-fun stuff too, not just the easy stuff.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Well they're not going camping so I'm sure S6 will be OK so don't worry about it too much. I'm sure H's at least responsible in that regard where if it's kids related he'll take care of them or ask for help if he can't.

[Kalni]

Those are really strong, helpful realizations that you've had--good on you.

Of course you're annoyed by the superficiality of your interactions--I certainly remember what that felt like. However, that's the most depth he's able to give your relationship right now, and in order to get to a place where (perhaps) you'll be able to interact in a more honest and meaningful manner, he'll have to grow and make the same kinds of realizations you're making now. He literally will not hear you if you try to "clear the air" because he's brainwashed himself into another reality. I'd suggest, if you want to "speak" your truth, write it all down, and put away the paper. You'll feel better for getting it all out, and you'll likely feel differently about it anyhow once you've grown and processed further.

The snowshoeing sounds like fun. I wouldn't worry too much about the "mystery" involved in snowshoeing, as it wouldn't be a very threatening sort of date....

Listen to Cyrena. There will come a time to clear the air and own your mistakes. Right now you will be wasting your breath.
Do not create mystery, just do NOT offer info about things that arent his business.
K

[flowmom]

Just to clarify, I'm not going to initiate a talk to clear the air. I just want to

[rr22]

FM: It sucks, but I think that S6 will have to pay the price here. It wasn't my idea to have overnights, but if H wants that then he can deal with the non-fun stuff too, not just the easy stuff.



Yes. Because H needs to learn how to take care of a sick child correctly and he needs to learn to do it well soon! Tonight! Consider him in-training!

[rr22]

GAL!

[Number 8]

motherof3, let me put it this way--I'm a teacher. I liiiiiive for snow days!

[alice444]

When I was posting to Jaime's thread, I realized the depth of the mindgames that are going on in my sitch.

H is playing the part of the "good guy" and "good father". He is clinging onto being seen as someone who is fulfilling his responsibilities...even though he dropped the ball years ago by refusing to deal with the issues.

That sounds so similar to mine- and his concern about "what people think" of him. He mentioned it in another email today- got all bent out of shape at me and worried that people would think he was an absent father because I asked my mom to babysit on the weekend after H has told me how mad he gets when I assume he'll take care of D if I have plans- no matter what I try to do- even if it's something he said he wanted- he takes offense or makes it about him and how he looks... If they don't want to look absent, they should do 50% of the child care with a cheerful attitude without having to be asked!!

And I'm playing a part too. "I'm not going to make this easy on you by being a b*tch about it." My revenge is maximizing his guilt by being good and nice. The truth is that he had reasons for leaving, and he may have done us a favour by doing it (though that does NOT apply to how it's affecting our children).

I think most of us are playing this part, FM. Are you getting any satisfaction out of it? I am, a little. I try to keep in mind that when I look back or when my D asks about it one day, I'll have a clear conscience about how I conducted myself.

Authenticity is probably one of my highest values. I am finding it very hard not to clear the air by speaking my truth to H. My truth is that I did have some power in the R and I made some poor and misguided choices as a person and as a wife. I want to take responsibility for that. In spite of the devastation of being abandoned, I don't want to be in a victim role here, and not being a victim means recognizing the consequences of one's own actions and inactions (!!!).

I agree with whoever said to write it down and not send it. I think I need to write a few of those letters myself. They can't hear us right now, which is so frustrating when the stakes are so high and we WANT to communicate with them. It's maddening. But they so cannot hear us, it's very sad. Even if they did hear us, all it would do is make them angry b/c they might have to acknowledge their part in things, which they don't like.

I am annoyed by the superficiality of our interactions. I feel that I am participating in a ridiculous charade where our shared history together is now expressed on the level of how you would conduct a transaction with a bank teller.

Oh God, I feel the same way! Or just knowing that it now seems off-limits to give a hug, approach the bathroom when he has the door open or is changing-- It's surreal; I've been with this man almost 12 years and suddenly we're more like acquaintences in how we interact and give each other space. It's sad space, this distance of sometimes only a few feet or inches with someone we used to know so well. I can relate to what you're saying-