Struggling with Hope

[fisherman]

Hey man,

There is some gooood stuff in the beginning of your post today.

First I believe that I have finally reached the "acceptance" stage of where I am in my M. I have finally accepted that it is over. That is not to say that I am not standing but I am no longer standing still (someone has that as thier signature).

Who does?

I'm not trying to be an ass here, but unless you're completely different from 99 percent of us here, acceptance will come and go like waves for a time. Me personally, I don't believe you just all of a sudden "arrive." You visit it for a time, then you go back, then you visit it for a longer period of time and this will go on for a while. That's just my opinion though, I have been know to be full of it.

5) I will be sitting down with her to be open and honest in terms of how I feel and what I am doing. Some of you may question or challenge this - I need to do this for a variety of reasons.

Are you remembering the state of mind that she is in? I think you may get burned here, but if you need to do it for you so be it.

So what do I plan to say to her....

a.) I will appologize for my role in the failure of the M.
b.) I will tell her that I did not appreciate having the failure of the M put squarely on my shoulders.
c.) I will reiterate my position on filing _ I will not do it.
d.) I will let her know that I am not leaving the house for the sole purpose of the kids.
e.) I will tell her that I am dealing with the anger of the sitch. I'll also tell her why I feel angry.
f.) I will try and make sure that she understands that the anger is MY issue to deal with and I would respectfully request that she really try and leave me alone so that I can deal with it.
g.) I will tell her that I did not appreciate the first EA that started before she dropped the bomb.
h.) I will ensure her that I will not contact OM or his W. Why?
i.) I will wish her well in her life
j.) I will request that we work on trying to be very good co parents. This will require some degree of communication.

I hope you take another look at what you plan to say. I hope you really examine your reasons of WHY you feel the need to say some of this.

Being on the other side of this amazing and sometimes shitty journey and taking a look at what you've said you needed to say to her, I find myself asking why? to much of it.

Acceptance to me would be telling her ( i ) and ( j ) nothing more.

I want to clear the air and be VERY open and Honest. At the end of the day, this is not about legal manuvering. If this is what she wants to do then so be it. I will not do it.

MLC... MLC.... open and honest sometimes isn't the best thing in the beginning of this. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to lie or anything, but you can be too open. You definitely CAN talk WAY too much and again.... more often than not, you will get burned.

She is not stupid.

Nope, but I feel you are still trying to relate to the "old" she.

I'm not going to blast you or talk you out of anything, all I can say is really examine yourself and your situation, and take your time.

[Drew]

I was very civil at the verizon store - very civil. This is about as much as I can give right now.

Then be still.

[Lostforwords]

Eric-

Write the letter...I agree with that...get it out. Then burn it...or better yet, put it in a password protect journal on your computer. I have one and it is quite amazing to see now how my tone changed over time.

What is done, is done. So you separated cell accounts...nothing wrong with that. I had separate accounts before, during, and even now. No biggie.

Opened your checking account also I suppose. We have discussed this. I like the idea for any marriage...so again, no biggie.

Now if you wrote a deposit for leasing an apartment....we might have to talk about that one.

24-48...remember it. When things are going fast, that is usually bad for the LBS.

Take a breathe and step back into the new you....if you give him a second to breathe you might like it.

[Bworl]

Eric,

I know that you are devastated and in pain. Every one writing to you has experienced their own version of that hell we go through when our marriage is yanked from our hands.

Do you know what an animal does when it is wounded? It finds a safe place and lies down, then it tends to it's wounds. If undisturbed, that animal will stay in that resting and healing state until it knows it is safe to venture out again.


Sometimes our human complexity works against us. Because when we are wounded, we tend to try to fix what hurt us and leave the healing part for later.


You need time to heal. You need time to focus on yourself, find some emotional stability, and begin the long and slow process of self-evaluation and change.



Too many people come here in a wounded state and can think of nothing but trying to fix what brought them pain - the marriage relationship. These are hurting people. These are wounded and flawed people who have just discovered that they have lost a precious thing to them AND, if they can manage the clarity, they are realizing that they had a role in losing that thing. It's a double or even triple whammy that almost literally knocks the life out of you.



You HAVE acknowledged your role. You HAVE begun the process of self-reflection and you HAVE begun to make changes in yourself. But you know that in your mind you were expecting or hoping that a few moments change would be enough to cause your wife to realize the error of her ways. Your change, no matter how honest and legitimate, was being done to provoke a change in your wife.



Change CAN do that.


But it doesn't happen that fast.



There are years of wounds in your marriage. Doesn't it just make sense that if there is healing to come, it also might take years?


This is a long haul deal and, as we have told you, it's not for the faint of heart. The truth is that we almost always have to get to the point of giving up that thing that is so precious to us before we see it possibly come back.



This is not a formula. There is no set sequence of steps and there is no time frame. That's because we are dealing with people here. Hurt people at that.



Your wife is doing wrong. She is wronging her marriage, her family, you, and even herself. She has moved on a course of action built out of her own issues and hurts. Her trip makes no sense to you because her trip is not your trip. You can't take that journey with her because not only does she not want you on her trip, but you would never survive on her trip.



Eric, you need time for you. You need to remove yourself from the drama, the hurt, the chaos. And yes, I know you are in the same house and that makes it hard. But it does not make it impossible.



You might be defeated right now, but you have not lost. You and you alone get to decide how you will view the days, weeks, and months to come. There is opportunity there if you will choose to reach out for it.



Blessings,

Bill

[Wildaces81]

Eric, you have a lot of wise advice on here, but what do I know really? All I can say which I haven't seen anyone put up yet. Is take the time to pray about what you are going to do. Don't follow your heart. Lead IT.

Aces