Kalni, A very, very, long time ago I believe that you had stated that you will have to D b/c your hubby can not do the work necessary to repair the marriage.
My goodness, I think it was this past summer, maybe the fall.
Is my memory correct?
I think those was your words quite some time ago.
I, all along, thought this man was possibly lazy, fearful, depressed, a shirker, stubborn or just clueless but now I wonder if he actually is manipulative and messes with your head. Just doing enough to suck you in so that he still can "have" you but not doing actual repair work and healing for you and the marriage.
I mean all his actions have been self-serving in a way. What makes him happy with little concern or insight into your happiness. If you are unhappy- he does the minimal to resolve it not for you but b/c he does not want to deal with an unhappy wife. Am I making sense. He actions seem to be about him.
HE WANTS YOU, BUT ON HIS TERMS ONLY. (perhaps?)
I am not in a good position to judge.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
ALL your thoughts are welcome. And I can be honest here so I will say, that eventhough the schock yesterday was a...big one, I made a BIG issue out of it, to "show him" his way isnt working.
And I used a different way, not initiating discussion, not analysing it, not requesting from him anything. And he responded. He called, called my friend (whose reaction shocked him-she basically told him to look elsewhere to validate his feelings/ideas on this because to her what I want is #1 priority and it should be his also), talked to me and while talking offered details etc etc. Still, I havent changed my mind, I still insist I am sick and tired of the lies and I am not putting up with it. I told him the filth, the horrible smell of all this (meaning his lies' his sister's role etc etc) choked me and I cant breathe anymore.
Just like my bff advised me, the power has shifted again. And I feel it is a good time to set some strict rules. I can always walk away. I can always sugarcoat things. It is hard to identify positive steps ahead when so much emotion is involved. I am clearing my head again. In my state of mind, I can see wrong better than right.
Just like Saffie, I need all the info. For the record, Bbj, I have all the details about what went on in bed, it is other, less harmful things that I need to know. I want us to do both: Move forward and then when something comes up, deal with it. There is no way, our R can get strong when we keep avoiding delicate issues. Also, again like Saffie says, if I do start feeling better, I would hate to go back and be flooded with pain again down the road... like it happened yesterday.
I dont know if he is emotionally abusive. I am not aware of all the patterns and I question the labelling. See, I am a former abusive person... K
Thanks Kerry, I feel some of your guys "watching over" me and when I hit a low, you all come running to my rescue... Thanks.
Bill (or anyone else), what would be a sacrifice H could make? I mean, I cant think of a context. His job would be one but under the current circumstances in my country as well, I dont think it would be wise either. What else?
And june I think, even the Not Just friends says, a couple may decide to discuss some sensitive issues later when the safety has returned.
I forgot to say he repeated a couple of times, he feels I get too angry (true) and that we only disagree on the when the open discussion will take place. He agrees we need to discuss openly and have my questions answered. A lot more was said. I am just too tired to type. K
<< I have to believe honesty still exists in this world.>>
YES IT DOES, however....prior to all this (DB experience), if it were your brother who was having a 3 year affair and had left his wife....what would you have done??? Be honest....but that is not the point. I understand your feelings about this....I only speak to my X's family when absolutely necesary...especially the ones who I know knew....
wow....just finished....some very insightful stuff.
<<if I do start feeling better, I would hate to go back and be flooded with pain again down the road>>
Perhaps you should worry about crossing that bridge when you get there and work on the first part...feeling better.
Let me put this in a black and white way and forget about the grey. You want more details than you already have..he is afraid to give you any details because it may hurt more. He thinks your relationship needs to be stronger before disclosing more. You think your relationship has to have disclosure in order to grow.
Sacrifice??? hmmm.....well if I wanted somebody back after having screwed around for three years, I would do whatever you wanted. Sounds simple enough??? Anything and then some....you want to talk, we talk....you want me to read a book, i read a book. you want to go away on a vaca, i make it happen....you want to go shopping, (this is a hard one) we go shopping. One thing that you would not have to ask for however.......Guaranteed!
I suppose there are various reasons you need all the details...
1) So that you dont get side swiped emotionally in the future when a left out detail comes up like it just did.
2) So that you can try to figure out what was going on in his brain to have caused him to stray.
3) As a means of him proving to you his honesty and openess.
I agree with my birth brother - if I betrayed and hurt someone as much as your H did, I would be moving mountains to make you happy. I would not be bringing up some trip you did to New York to meet up with a friend who was going through a similar marriage trauma.
Hey Maria, So are you two are still together? So at least he called and also (rather sweetly I thought) spoke to your BFF several times to get some outside help/perspective! He doesnt know what to do does he? I guess you think it is simple.. he should talk to you. But for him, that is a fearful and shameful thing to do.
So even in what you say is my loved up, committed new R, here is what happened this week...
That issue of the photos came up - BF was repacking photos into a new box, so I asked him was he intending to keep them? He was suprised, he didnt realise they were in amongst the other pictures, but no, he would rather throw them away. I got them out..I said I wanted us to look at them, to talk about them, the look on his face, the way he was holding her, before he binned them... he was shocked.
He stood up away from me, v defensive body language, he even got angry. He said, why, for what purpose? I said because they were here all year and it would be healing for me to be able to look at them with you and ask questions, to exorcise them and then I dont need to think about it/ask questions again.
He got very upset and refused, he said - what about me? What about what I want?? I dont want to look at them. I said that was ok then, but I was curious, why was he reacting so badly?? He said..
because it makes me feel foolish and bad, because I feel ashamed. I feel an idiot for what I did and awful for how much I hurt you, I dont want to be reminded of that and in fact, I never want to look at pictures like that again or go over the details, I'd rather just forget all about it, because for me its past, gone.
I said I understood, but explained why it had been important to go over details (we didnt though) to mend the gap in our R.. he then bought up my EA from 6 years ago!! I didnt react and let it go. I understood it was his way of explaining how HE felt, in a similiar situation and how he handled it then.
Which is what I see your H was doing when he mentioned NY.
Its all about how you choose to react? You could have reacted differently to his reaction, if you see what I mean. There are your feelings/reactions/needs and then there are your H's reactions/needs/feelings.. you said he was being selfish for not handling it how you need, or telling you what you need to know. But going over the details just makes him feel bad and fearful of your anger and your reactions, and of hurting you further, which he doesnt want to do. He doesnt want to "pour salt in your wounds". And for himself, he doesnt want to feel guilty and ashamed anymore. Men hate to be shamed right. DBing 101.
Hugs and happy Easter sunbeam, I hope you get to go away as a family together xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I am on vacation as of today till Tuesday. Me and H didnt talk on the phone at all today. He sent me a message saying he feels terrible we are like this and to at least tell him I am ok. Didnt see the SMS till much later and didnt really respond.
I am calm and feel strong and I think the last 2 days did us good. There is a definite change on how things are "viewed" from both sides and we still have a common goal. 2 steps forward one back. I think we went back only to jump forward. I hope I am right... K
