Struggling with Hope

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

The same conversation you plan on having happened a million times in my head....in all of our heads. I didn't read the points to be honest....I know them by heart.

Let's just say I am very happy that I never had that conversation.

I agree completely with Jack...

Your mind is made up and I am respecting that, doesn't mean I agree.

[Mach1]

Did I miss when you spilled your giant sized glass of STFU ?

I don't see this ending well, and not taking very long to get to that point.

You are assuming that rational thought might prevail...

I think there are entirely too many words and not enough actions for you....

And you really need to decide, you say that you want to move forward, and move on....

Which one ?

They are NOT the same bro....

I want your answer first...

[ericmsant2]

Cat, Mila & OP -

You are all right, having the R discuss will not help. The letter is a better idea.

Cat - I guess it is a form of control - I did not think of it that way.

Jack - you are not wasting your time. I like the perspective that I get from you and everyone else. For example I really did not consider the "control" aspect that cat pointed out. i also did not consider the letter. What I do know is that I have to get some stuff off of my chest - this may be a little selfish but as I admit I am trying to deal with the anger.

In short, I'm going to stick to the bill discuss and co-parenting - no more.

Thanks everyone for the feedback I needed it.

[smith18]

The seperation of financial I can agree with. However, be prepared for her to hem and haw at that and possibly go ape sh!t mad on you. Been there. Done that.

You might want to start with coparenting discussion first, because once the money boundary comes up, there will be no friendly discussion following.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Let me point something out then Eric.

You said you were going to take a break from the board, you didn't.

You said you need to do this (talk with the list), but changed your mind.

Eric, I am not being mean.

I am pointing out that your words and deeds do not match.

Your wife sees that. Bet she saw that for a long time. So your new changes...which haven't had time to stick yet...and haven't really...she doesn't believe.

We believe in history, what someone has done in the past we believe they will do in the future. Your 'changes' are not yet your history.

Not being mean.

[ericmsant2]

Mach - I want to move forward...forward with myself. I am still standing for my M and family but I finally realized that there is nothing I can do for her but to leave her be. That is my answer.

Lost / Jack - Maybe my text did come accross as having my mind made up - your both right. Having been "helped" at looking at this from another perspective, I do agree that no good will come of the R convo - none. So I will stick to the co-parenting and financial convo. Personally, I struggle with the financial convo as well but I am struggling with paying for her to buy cloth to go out on a date with OM. I will say that she is not spending much. Other than a little extra dipping here and there. The purpose of the finacial discussion is a boundary for me. I want to open my own accounts, I need to do some things for me and I really do not want an agruement about how I need to pay down all of the debt. I just may hold off on the financial convo but welcome your thoughts.

Eric

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

Action speaks louder than words.

R conversation-Will go nowhere...you have accepted that.

F conversation-Will turn into an argument about the debt...this you have noted.

Co-parenting conversation- Will turn into an argument about how you were a lousy father...this I predict.

Winner....none...losers...all

Actions-R-Accepting the marriage of old is dead, stop bringing it up to her since she has said as much, and work on yourself

Action-F-Continue to work on debt because it is obviously going to follow you...no matter what happens in your marriage

Action-Co-parenting-Continue to be a better parent....the co-parenting will come easy after that

Is there even a need for a conversation or letter? Or is the letter and conversation a selfish projection of your own control and pain?

The problem with today's society...we talk about the world we want when all we had to do was make the world what we want by action.

So what is it....fruitful action or confrontation?

I hate to be blunt....just the mood I am in today.

[Mach1]

Mach - I want to move forward...forward with myself. I am still standing for my M and family but I finally realized that there is nothing I can do for her but to leave her be. That is my answer.

How do you accomplish this ?

Look at your convo.....

Tell me what part of that NEEDS addressed right now...

Do you see any part of that conversation that moves you further away from your goals ?

Listen Eric....

Want a razor blade to walk ?

NOTHING you do right now will have any affect on your relationship....

Yet EVERYTHING you do will have an affect...

You are NOT gonna talk your way out of a situation that you ACTED your way into.....

The person that you strive to be should be making those decisions, not the person that you have seen the past twenty years or so....

That is what everyone here has been trying to tell you....

NOTHING has to happen .....right now....

This is your time Eric....

I see you trying to skip stages of YOUR growth, and it simply cannot be done....

To the point ?

What do you think would be more affective...

A bird chaser?

OR

A bird watcher ?

You are trying to fix everything the same old way....

Step back, and let the new person inside of you actually breathe for a while, and see what HE has to say....

I would venture the answers are different....

BTW ?


You can only take a step forward if you allow the chains that hold you back, to be loosened...

Moving on entails you DRAGGING those chains with you...

Which one do you envision ?


Nobody here wants to see you fail Eric...

Let alone WATCH you go down in flames...

[ericmsant2]

Lost

Advice taken - You and senor Beans are correct. My actions must speak louder than my words. This is something that I need to work on. One question - what does one do then when they change their mind? The reality is that my mouth wrote checks my butt does not want to cash anymore. They were written while I was at a point of despair. How then does one switch gears or change there mind.

In terms of the letter. I am not sure I see it as a control issue. I would agree that it is MY pain and I said as much. I will acknowledge that it is a pain that I need to deal with. That much I agree with. I am not sure why you are saying it is a control issue - so could you explain.

Fruitful action Lost..fruitful action. I am not justifying myself but right now it is a little tough to do this since I am still angry but I'm trying.

I was very civil at the verizon store - very civil. This is about as much as I can give right now.

[cat04]

what does one do then when they change their mind? The reality is that my mouth wrote checks my butt does not want to cash anymore. They were written while I was at a point of despair. How then does one switch gears or change there mind.

What checks are you speaking of?

In terms of the letter. I am not sure I see it as a control issue. I would agree that it is MY pain and I said as much. I will acknowledge that it is a pain that I need to deal with. That much I agree with. I am not sure why you are saying it is a control issue - so could you explain.

If you give it to her, it is still you imposing yourself on her.

Write it, then reread it, then crumple it up, and burn it.

Yes, Eric, you need to get it out…

But that does NOT mean that she need to hear, see, read, or sense it…

Make sense?