M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
And then you have to wonder when is the next punch going to come or if. Without disclosure- you are 'walking in the dark"
I can't recall but don't marriage recover books state that disclosure has to happen for repairing a marriage? I am really foggy on this...
If he is refusing, IDK....
Last edited by june72; 03/31/1005:06 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I guess what I am "seeing" but not able to exress is what if(and a big if at that) her H could lay it all out, every detail, every little crumb of what he remembers. K listens but doesn't maybe hear it all while she is experiencing a flood of emotions. So then she is going back again and again to clarify and so it still isn't healing because it just keeps picking at the wound.
Yes he needs to disclose. She needs to keep calmer. Oh my this could go on and on. I am only suggesting that they work to get to a more stable place in their relationship and then work on each thing bit by bit.
I know that I want to see her happy and of course this working out if this is what they both want. It is difficult only having one side of things and having to make calculated assumptions. I find that in general these boards are a place to vent when things don't go well. So maybe that should be taken into account as well.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I can't recall but don't marriage recover books state that disclosure has to happen for repairing a marriage? I am really foggy on this...
I believe most books state that it is different for every couple and that some BS don't want the details; that if should be the BS's need for knowledge that should guide the amount of disclosure.
My H hated seeing the amount of pain disclosing things did to me , but he understood I needed to hear it and feel the truth of it, to judge if I could trust him again. Also I didn't want new details coming out in the future and flooring me with pain years down the line.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
What has he done to this point that TRULY cost him anything? What sacrifice has HE made (note - ACTION, not words) that indicates how strongly he wants this to be healed and last?
Bill...you have a gift. Anyone who has you on their thread is fortunate indeed.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. ~Calvin Coolidge
Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement. ~Alfred Adler
Ironically, making a statement with words is the least effective method. ~Grey Livingston
I don't really have any good input to add but I did share a few quotes that I like...I am not sure the solution to this impasse. You are stating that in your case you WANT/NEED the details, the information.
He is telling you he knows better than you, that you really don't want to know, is that what I am hearing?
I can see if you wanted when/where/how often/what position-type details. Those probably would do nothing to help heal and just leave you with images in your head that you don't need.
But wanting to know what he felt he was missing, why he reached outside the M to find a way to meet his needs, etc., that is the kind of thing I would want to know, too. And knowing that he has a plan in place so that next time he finds himself feeling the way he felt then (should there be a next time), he doesn't turn away from your marriage, I would want that information as well.
I can see if you wanted when/where/how often/what position-type details. Those probably would do nothing to help heal and just leave you with images in your head that you don't need.
I disagree with the highlighted section.
Quote:
But wanting to know what he felt he was missing, why he reached outside the M to find a way to meet his needs, etc., that is the kind of thing I would want to know, too. And knowing that he has a plan in place so that next time he finds himself feeling the way he felt then (should there be a next time), he doesn't turn away from your marriage, I would want that information as well.
I wanted to know EVERYTHING..............and it helped in the long run
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
For me personally, I wanted to know after A #1, everything. But once I knew they had each 'gone down' on the other, it was hard when we were intimate not to think of that. Or to think I was putting parts of me where someone else's parts had been (sorry if TMI)
So I am personally more interested in how it happened, what thought process he used to justify it and make it okay to go back a second, third, fourth time, etc. BC it is one thing to have a total lapse in judgement, do something out of character, and wake up the next day feeling terrible about it and never do it again. But to view the A in the light of day, and continue to engage in it, I really am curious how the mind/conscience allows that to happen.
