I'm giving up, told W I'll sign at the end of FEB

[TooLateForMe]

Got a text last night from W saying she and DDs were back from their mini-vacation. Since I was in a negative mood I didn't respond. She called right after but I didn't answer. I knew I'd tell about how I felt and it would either end in an argument or I'd tell her I would file the D.

I'm a bit anti-wife these days, at least re: my W. I think I've spent too much time away. It's hard to see her as that loving, prudent woman I fell in love with. My sister called her "poison" for me. I'm almost at that point. It's my own fault.

I'm doing more to GAL, working on my career goals and taking jobs for some design work. I have plenty of things going on. I met a cool girl (not a pejorative, she's barely able to drink). I'm working on developing a lower-key attitude, being kind and upbeat.

But I STILL think about my W every day. The hope is grinding me down. The idea of talking to her is scary.

[TooLateForMe]

Well, she's been dating someone since september. Now what?

[TooLateForMe]

I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been kicked by a horse. My last secret came out last night (the one night stand). I really wish I didn't love this woman so much. I don't know what to feel, other than hurt about her dating and lying.

[Onthemountaintop]

Maybe she is poison, maybe a cure. It doesn't sound too positive these days, though.

You had sex while being married. She's been dating, and may or may not have done the same. Forgive her, whether you stay married or not. Forgive and release the anger, the hurt.

I know someone who had a porn addiction. He said that when he told his W (they were beginning to talk D), she was relieved because that had been the big secret he never told her...but she actually knew all along. I took from his story that secrets are deadly. She overreacted to the porn problem - he had been struggling since he was 12, but it was the secret that killed her and their M. He's getting professional help now, and that made their M (for now at least) possible.

Is it possible that the one night stand (or other secrets) have been lurking all along between the two of you? That is why I think forgiveness is so important. Even if you D, and you have many reasons to do it, you don't want to live your life filled with anger taht may have reasons you just don't know. You may never know. You may know the biggest reasons, but the damage may have also been too late to be repaired.

So, either way, forgive both you and her. Accept your sins and hers as past. Then decide if you love her, as she is, enough to deal with all the things she does to make you angry/hurt.

If you do, keep DB'ing and looking for openings. If you don't, move on without her.

I feel bad that you are going through this. I can't remember if you are seeing and IC - if you are, keep talking out your anger to get rid of it once and for all.

[TooLateForMe]

I'm pretty sure she's lying about something. She told me she met this fella AFTER she broke up w/ me and that I don't know him.

She may be lying altogether about the guy, but I doubt that. The likelihood is that she met this person before I even left the apartment and that I do know him (though I may not have actually met him).

What I'm learning is that she doesn't actually have the moral high ground she wants me, and especially herself, to believe she has. The reality is that we both put ourselves into this situation.

It's time to start DBing for real. She's going to have to do all the D work on her own. I'm going to be the best me I can be, not give into depression and anger (though it's a struggle most days) and start appreciating my life and the people in it... including her.

I know now that she's just another WAW and I let the facts cloud my judgement. There may or may not have been a rape. Either way I've done some unpleasant things while intoxicated and have been a cad. I confessed to the one-night stand and now have no secrets. I'm starting new and don't expect the path to be smooth and some days will still be terrible, but I will survive.

There's a Latin phrase I recently found:

perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim :
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

[TooLateForMe]

I had a lot of nervous energy and a bad headache. So I cleaned, kept busy. I swept out the garage and broke down, cried and realized it was okay to be sad.

[ShockedOne]

It is okay. Nothing wrong with that.
And chances are that she had met this man prior to the start of separation. It is rare that you have a WAS unless there is abuse involved. As far as whether or not she is lying, believe nothing you are told.

[TooLateForMe]

Mark <--- recovering douchebag.

It's kind of meant to be funny, but the underlying reality is that my behavior caused a lot of pain for a lot people and I really do want to be a better person.

Maybe I'll make it into a national movement to get others to change before it gets too late...

[Onthemountaintop]

It is never too late to change - make sure to keep the good stuff that is a part of you!

[TooLateForMe]

It is never too late to change - make sure to keep the good stuff that is a part of you!

I'm dedicated to being a good person. I understand the effect I have on other people. I can't just opt out and pretend my actions have no consequences, however minor those actions may seem.

My heart may scream at the thought of my W w/ someone else but I can't let that pain derail my progress. I have to be tolerant of the mistakes that others make as well as my own.

I know there are good things about me. The result of my actions wouldn't cause me such pain if I wasn't a good person underneath it all. I wouldn't mourn my W's pain or my DD's pain or their loss from my daily life if I didn't truly love them.