The dreaded LIMBO

[4luv]

Just updating...

I have been having a great time, enjoying the weather. Husband has still been in contact but most of the time I don't answer still and just text him back if he calls several times in a row to see what he wants.

I actually just got off the phone with husband (he had called and texted last night so I decided to answer when he called today). When I answered he said "I was just calling to bore you." I said, I am already bored enough as I am working right now. Today is the day that he moves into his apartment and out of our old apartment. I left a few things behind and he was asking if I wanted to keep those few items. After going through the items the convo was as follows:

H: Will you move back up here with me?
Me: No. Not given the current state of things with us.
H: What do you mean.
Me: There has been no change in what got us to this point from what I can see.
H: I guess you are right. What do you want to see from me?
Me: I want to know that you are committed to me and only me. I am not going back into a relationship where I can't trust the person I am with. I am not into having to snoop, or you telling me one thing and then doing something else. Or you just up and leaving without telling me. I don't want that type of relationship. It is lame.
H: You are right. It wasn't right the way I acted. I think I was just acting out. I was a ticking time bomb. I didn't want you around to see me destruct. I still feel like I am going to destruct.
Me: nothing.

H: It is like I want to try to make our marriage work but at the same time I feel I might not be doing it for the right reasons. I just don't know how I feel. And when I talk to you I can tell that you are happy. I actually feel the happiness from you. You seem so different from when we were living together. Like you got your pep back. But me, I am still in the same place...just as unhappy. I mean, I know you are not happy with the situation but you seem to be happy with life still.

Me: YEs, well talking to the therapist has really helped me sort out my feelings.

H: I need to talk to someone but i dunno.

Me: you said you were but you never did.

H: i just haven't had time but i guess you could say it wasn't a priority. The thing about me is that when I put my mind to something I stick with my decision even if it is to my detriment. So with this apartment thing, its like I am trying to get something that I feel i missed out on even if it costs me dearly. In the end I might look back and realize that it wasn't worth it but I still am going to do it regardless. that is just the way I've always made decisions.

Me: well, how is that working out for you?

H: sometimes good and sometimes bad. Its like i am going to do enough to make sure our son is taken care of and I know that he is being well cared for so i don't have to worry about that. i just want to get back what i feel i missed out on even though i am not sure what it is yet. I am chasing something and feel like i can't stop until i get it. and i didn't want you around while i went down that path.

me: well, that is on you but you are saying that things that drug addicts say, verbatim. they are always chasing something and its usually to the detriment of their family and friends and anyone else that loves and care about them.

H: I wouldnt say I am an addict but you are right when you put it like that.

Me: well, this is something you will have to figure out on your own.

H: you are right. Well, I feel a little better after talking to you. I was reading a card my mom gave to you when we first started dating and she told you that she knows I love you even if I don't show it. I never learned how to show love the right way but my mom was right about that card.

Well, this was a convo I did not expect and it doesn't change my stance. Rather, it just shows me that my husband is no where NEAR improving. Matter of fact, the pessimist in me in dealing with my husband believes that this convo was all just to "feel out where I stood in regards to our marriage." I ALMOST started to shut the door (and looking back over the convo I think I should have) and tell him that I am NEVER moving back with him. I gave him some hope though and part of me is regretting that but "it is what it is :-)"