Struggling with Hope

[ericmsant2]

All

I wanted to give everyone an update on my sitch...I am sorry if this post is a little morose.

First I believe that I have finally reached the "acceptance" stage of where I am in my M. I have finally accepted that it is over. That is not to say that I am not standing but I am no longer standing still (someone has that as thier signature).

Nothing I do can change my W. Nothing that I do can really control the future. In short, you really cannot make someone love you or deal with thier issues.

BUT I can change who I am! I can accept, grieve and move on or forward, if you will.

Will my W "wake up"? Who knows statistically it does not look like she will but I don't have a crystal ball so no sence trying to predict the future (no Drew I cannot predict the future - sorry if I could trust me I'd be at the powerball line),

I know that I will and must survive. This I know. This I believe. Do I believe in my M? Yes- can I control what she feels or does - no. This is a sad truth that I have had to face. Will I and am I becoming a better person - with out a doubt! Am I done with my changes....I'm not even close.

You know....I have made many mistakes in the journey. Probably the same one many others have made. I will learn from these mistakes. I will learn to stand on my own. I will learn to be independant and find the happiness that exists in me and does not require another to fill/provide.

In addition to acceptance I have a fair amount of anger that I need to process/feel/go thru. Why am I angry?

1) This will impact my kids - no doubt about it.
2) I did not make the changes in my M that I should have sooner.
3) W nor I asked for this whole MLC sitch - so yeah I'm a little pissed about it.
4) Right now (don't know about the future) I have lost the love of my life.
5) Everything that I have worked for will be handed to someone else.
6) Financially I am ruined.
7) I was lied to but then again I also contributed to where I am today.


I can go on and on about how angry I feel; however, I do believe that I am trying to deal with it constuctively. For the first time in this process, I really need to focus on the GAL aspect. I need to heal and gain some positives in my life. I know that they will come...that I know. When? Who knows - everyone heals at there own pace. Hopefully, I can divert all of my energy into the healing and no longer looking at what was lost.

As I communicated in an earlier post - I will not file because that is not what I want. I will not be a part of the possible future destruction of my M. I will not. I will not fight it but I will not begin the process. Getting a D does not have any bearing on my healing or my well being at this time (that may change in the future but who knows).

Detach is my new middle name. This is going to be hard since we will always have to have some form of interaction. At this time I need to try and salvage some form of "basic human kindness". Does this mean that I become a doormat. No. Does this mean that I will need to create boundaries - yes - but the boundaries will be tied to what I need.

To give everyone a sense of the impact financially - my life will change dramatically. I will no longer be able to give me kids the material things that I have been able to provide. Does this make me less of a man - no. Does it make me angry - yes. But I will survive.

So what have I done and what am I doing next...

1) Today I separated the cell phone bill. She know has her own account and I no longer have access to who she calls. Hey I thought it was one way to stop snooping.

2) I will be opening my own bank account today and will arrange to have my direct deposit transfered from our joint account.

3) I will remove myself from our joint account.

4) I will be sitting down with her today to split the bills. I will be fair and just but I will no longer fund her dates with OM. I may end up doing this in the future by court order (I call this alimony) but I deal with that then.

5) I will be sitting down with her to be open and honest in terms of how I feel and what I am doing. Some of you may question or challenge this - I need to do this for a variety of reasons. a.) I am striving to be a truly honest and just person b.) in terms of letter her know how I feel - this is needed for my healing. I have no expecations and would not believe anything that comes out of her mouth anyway...so trust me it is for my healing.

So what do I plan to say to her....

a.) I will appologize for my role in the failure of the M.
b.) I will tell her that I did not appreciate having the failure of the M put squarely on my shoulders.
c.) I will reiterate my position on filing _ I will not do it.
d.) I will let her know that I am not leaving the house for the sole purpose of the kids.
e.) I will tell her that I am dealing with the anger of the sitch. I'll also tell her why I feel angry.
f.) I will try and make sure that she understands that the anger is MY issue to deal with and I would respectfully request that she really try and leave me alone so that I can deal with it.
g.) I will tell her that I did not appreciate the first EA that started before she dropped the bomb.
h.) I will ensure her that I will not contact OM or his W. Why?
i.) I will wish her well in her life
j.) I will request that we work on trying to be very good co parents. This will require some degree of communication.

I have a few other things to say but in short, I want to clear the air and be VERY open and Honest. At the end of the day, this is not about legal manuvering. If this is what she wants to do then so be it. I will not do it.

She is not stupid and she knows that from a financial perspective she holds all of the cards - so really nothing I tell her would change that. We could try and go to war for everything but in the end this does bode well for either of us.

I look foward to everyone's response and will close this thread in a few days and open up a new one, that will focus on my growth and healing and not on my W or my M.

Jack - I'm waiting for the 2x4 (sitting waiting). I know that the 2x4 are for my own good and I really do appreciate them.

God Bless,
Eric