This train: rolling down a no-come-back track!

[faithisbelieving]

poet....the next few months will be tough. I remember the heartache of the interrogatories and literally spending wasted hours hunting through receipts, tax forms, ledgers and copying for HOURS. THEN....a request AGAIN for more papers, receipts, etc. It was a horror and a nightmare. And, my story isn't over.

I imagine your H's L is simply looking for your income history vs. your performance history with work. Divorce is only about two things: custody/parenting time and division of assets/child support.

My only advice for you is that there is an overwhelming power here on this board to keep you stuck...to keep you in denial...to keep you imagining and hoping that ONE DAY, a bolt of lightening will come down, strike your husband and he will show up on your doorstep with a dozen red roses telling you how sorry he is and that he wants back in.

It doesn't happen that way. Rarely does. BUT..it doesn't mean that you have to close the door shut.

What you DO have to do is grieve the loss of your marriage. Get it out of your system. Do everything necessary to protect yourself. Get what you need to live and discard everything else. Don't get walked over. This is a BUSINESS DEAL right now.

Lastly, I highly recommend that you buy Dr. Grey's Venus and Mars, Starting Over. It helped me turn the corner. Stay strong.

FIB

[poet]

"I imagine your H's L is simply looking for your income history vs. your performance history with work."

THANK you FIB, for your ever-loving and ASTUTE insight into my sitch! I pasted your quote above for a specific reason. I'm hungry for information right now about that very subject. You imagine my H's L is looking for my income history vs. my work performance ... why???

Why, do you think that is??? What are they trying find? Or prove by all this nonsense? I'm simply trying to give them everything they need, but I don't understand the process -- or better yet, their mindset. What do you think is going on behind the scenes?

Would love your insight!

Thanks so much,
poet
p.s. Thanks for the book suggestion. I'll have to find a way to get a hand on it.

[faithisbelieving]

Because it's all about money. Anything they can find that you have some sort of income they want to know about to try and reduce what he must pay to you.

FIB

[poet]

Thanks FIB,

Appreciate your input. My brain is getting cross-wired these days. It's all about the money, which I can't seem to work out on my own. Help! I need help!

poet

[poet]

Hello out there in the cyber-netherlands,

Please, if there is anyone out there, who has been through this, please be kind and offer a word of wisdom.

How does one sift through the paperwork, while at the same time try to make sense of it? At the moment, I am trying to organize all the receipts I have for food and household expenses. I have many of them from the first three months after he left me. But, a person at the extension office says I should keep them starting now, for at least a month. It's a nightmare, trying remember to ask for one when I go to the store, not to mention getting one from flee-market person, who is accustomed to not giving them.

Then, there are the bank statements ... how does one prove that your WAS gave you cash money???

thanks,
poet

[SunFunOne]

Poet:

You have to stay focussed on the business aspect of all of this and make the best deal you can for yourself. You won't get a chance for a DO OVER.

We all had to go through it and yes - it was very daunting - far more daunting to think about it than to actually get down to getting the info I needed. Your lawyer will let you know what receipts you need. The bank statements will show a lot. As far as cash - just write it down. No, you can't actually prove it but just document what he gave you and give the info to your Lawyer.

Most of us had to go through all this crap when we did not want a divorce. When we were trying to struggle to keep our homes. When we were trying to deal with the emotional crisis our children were going through as well as ourselves. It is not fair. It is not pleasant. And it is not easy. But it is also not the end of the world.

The sooner you get on with the financials, the sooner you will start to feel better. You need to let go of the past and focus on your future. Getting the career you want. Furthering your education if that will give you a better future. Doing nice things for yourself. Getting out socially.

Pace yourself. Push yourself to do a certain amount of the divorce work each day. Then get out and enjoy life, knowing you have something accomplished.

This is YOUR life. You are the only one who can do the work. But you are also the one who will reap the rewards. Keep the faith!

Barb

[faithisbelieving]

Agree. The interrogatories are HORRIBLE. Days and days of searching for documents, copying, etc.

One step at a time. Focus on one area instead of looking at the entire thing. Agreed that you quicker you get them done, the easier you can rest at night and sleep.

FIB

[poet]

Thank you Barb and FIB,

Any input at this point is so much appreciated. I'm doing my best to pull this stuff together. I emailed my attn this morning and said I would have it ready for her by Monday.

This was her reply:

"Monday should be fine. If you can drop everything off in the morning, I should have time to get it copied and sent to (H's atty). She called me earlier this week and told me she should have (H's) discovery to me the beginning of the week, as well.
(The judge's) Judicial Assistant contacted me, and the Court needs to reschedule the temporary support hearing. I am working with (H's atty) to find another date. The Judicial Assistant gave me some alternate dates, but (H's atty) picked the very last one, so I have asked her to look at her calendar again because that is too far out for a temporary support hearing.
The date she agreed to was 5/26, but I don't want it out that far. I do hope that we will settle in mediation and not need the hearing.

She also said that (H) has proposed an immediate division of his retirement account by QDRO to free up some cash for you. If we did that, you would be able to withdraw from the retirement account with no penalty at the time it is divided, and only have to pay taxes. There are pros and cons to this proposal, so we need to discuss those in more detail before you and I can
decide whether or not to agree to that. You and I also need to meet to prepare for mediation. I can meet with you
on Tuesday at either 11:00 or 1:00. Which is better for you?"

Thanks for reading and any comments, opinions would be so greatly appreciated!

poet

[SunFunOne]

Hi Poet,

Well, it sounds like everything is going forward as it should. I can't fathom how these people can walk away and leave us hanging and not take care of our needs with some support. It was like pulling teeth to get it out of my ex as well - even child support and I had 3! IDIOTS!

I went the mediated route too and I'm glad I did. It saves a lot of $ in court costs and usually you can reach a more personal agreement. It is difficult to sit there and negotiate with an alien but try to think of him as a business acquaintance - nothing more. The tough times were when I got emotional. It did no good - just prolonged things and cost more so I don't recommend it.

This is a very tough time but you WILL get through it. It sounds like you have a good attorney. That is crucial - that you have someone you trust working for you.

I know I sound a bit tough and unemotional but trust me - I was a whimpering mess when I went through it - no way around it - it is not easy. But when its done - you will move forward faster than you thought possible. And you will someday look back and wonder how you were ever married to him.

My life is so much better now. But I've had a lot longer to adjust to being divorced. It's not so bad.

Barb

[faithisbelieving]

I did the L route, but, I am a professional and was scared to death of mediation. Of course, my fees are already in the tens of thousands of dollars. However, my L truly protected me and knew the law. It was worth it. I hear her talk about mediators all the time, and, although many will think 'of course they will bash them', she has told me many stories where people got burned really badly.

Will less complicated job histories, I DO think that mediation is the way to go. FIB