Thanks - I"ve been very depressed today. I'll be sure to make the space although this week I have no rehearsals so I was going to use the time to bond with the family = ack!
I cried a lot today but made movement toward getting a new therapist that specialized in my particular childhood issues so I"m glad about that.
Planning on working on communicating more with H in MC next monday - the thing that scares me is I don't know how I"m going to handle the "I should have dumped you early on because we were doomed" speech I get any time I try to look at what went wrong between us and work on how to fix it. He's in so much avoidance mode I don't think I can take it and stay calm. Any advice? I will ask our MC for advice too.
Just feeling really poed that H's idea of dealing with problems is not dealing with problems, blaming every one else (me), and living in a narcissistic bubble.Of course I shouldn't be surprised, that's what my father did my whole life. IRony is, my father has changed that in his older age.
Wishing I was stronger to walk away. My advice to anyone else would be to let him go and see if that is really what he wants ultimately, but the pain on being on this end of rejection and blame is too painful. THus, the therapist hunt - time to look for someone to help me deal with this pain as it is my issue to work on. Letting go...the hardsest thing for a girl who left a broken home at 15 and dreamed of a family of her own for so many years.....and once she found the very thing she dreamed of her whole life is facing watching it dissolve into nothingness...
(((H4L))) I'm glad that you're finding a new IC. I think it's really worth tackling those issues head on. I realize that I'm going to have to do that too.
About MC...I think you just have to go there really grounded in who you are and your own experience of this. I think his main responsibility to you right now is to clearly communicate what he wants...but I don't know if he'll be able to do that.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/31/1001:35 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Suggestions about the "doomed" spew? Maybe treat it as spew and do not bother to process it when he vents it to you or in MC. You can only deal with your own present behavior and your own future behavior at this point. The past is becoming increasingly irrelevant and distorted in looking back through various filters. It's a way to avoid stepping into now for your H.
h4l: My advice to anyone else would be to let him go and see if that is really what he wants ultimately, but the pain on being on this end of rejection and blame is too painful.
Then let it go for at least this week and take some space before you get dragged down too far by his rollercoaster. The back and forth is excruciatingly painful, especially when coupled with blaming spew. You don't deserve it. He did half of it and his own psychology continues to shore up the wall which perpetuates it. Time for people to move forward. He either will or won't. Detach if possible. It's really hard though, I know. Almost impossible with your daily contact. I wish you could reduce the daily contact for awhile.
Maybe Kalni has some advice. I noticed on her thread that things seemed to get tough and stuck for her H during some of that MC.
Hun if we all did what was common sense then we would all be D'd by now!
Really applaud you for healing your own problems, that will change a lot in you life and you deserve to have some payback for what happened, I feel bad I got dragged away the other night when I'd rather have supported you!
Keep taking even minute bits of time for yourself, keeping your saniety is paramount at the moment, now the roller coaster seems to have gone more topsy turvy!
Huge hugs
Rabbit
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
So this is the one week I can't let go because I have a week off rehearsals - it's the time for positive connection. HOwever, I'm on alert and anytime he starts to spew, I'm out of here and possible S too.
STarting next week my rehearsal schedule amps up which means I won't be here when H is.
Still very depressed. Talked to L today says there's nothing legally I can do to get more than 50% custody basically unless H is beating S. He said all I can do is have the court order parenting classes. UGh.
I"m so depressed about the prospect of leaving H alone iwth S and I feel he's so unsafe. L says if H refuses the court ordered parenting classes then I may have some ammunition. But not much.
Thanks - I"ve been very depressed today. I'll be sure to make the space although this week I have no rehearsals so I was going to use the time to bond with the family = ack!
I cried a lot today but made movement toward getting a new therapist that specialized in my particular childhood issues so I"m glad about that.
this sounds like something good you're doing for yourself- I hope you find a good one. Maybe you and S can do some stuff just the two of you this week, without H.
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Planning on working on communicating more with H in MC next monday - the thing that scares me is I don't know how I"m going to handle the "I should have dumped you early on because we were doomed" speech I get any time I try to look at what went wrong between us and work on how to fix it. He's in so much avoidance mode I don't think I can take it and stay calm. Any advice? I will ask our MC for advice too.
Well, it's hard to say without knowing if he'd even hear you. I mean, if he's a practical person, then it's unproductive and a waste of $ to keep repeating the same inane thing. Why is he going to MC if he doesn't want to work on anything? Is he like my H- he wants someone to validate that *I'm* the one that needs fixing? Does he want to look at your problems and not his own, or does he just like to rehash his past predictions of your R?
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Just feeling really poed that H's idea of dealing with problems is not dealing with problems, blaming every one else (me), and living in a narcissistic bubble.Of course I shouldn't be surprised, that's what my father did my whole life. IRony is, my father has changed that in his older age.
Well that partly answers my Q. Maybe someday when they are old and alone b/c they've pushed everyone good out of their lives, they will realize what they did and have regret. But I'm not holding my breath.
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Wishing I was stronger to walk away. My advice to anyone else would be to let him go and see if that is really what he wants ultimately, but the pain on being on this end of rejection and blame is too painful. THus, the therapist hunt - time to look for someone to help me deal with this pain as it is my issue to work on. Letting go...the hardsest thing for a girl who left a broken home at 15 and dreamed of a family of her own for so many years.....and once she found the very thing she dreamed of her whole life is facing watching it dissolve into nothingness...
(((Hope)))
I do hope you find an IC to help talk through some of this stuff. Despite my H's disdain, doing long-term therapy, working on things that weren't working for me, is the best thing I've ever done for myself.
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Still very depressed. Talked to L today says there's nothing legally I can do to get more than 50% custody basically unless H is beating S. He said all I can do is have the court order parenting classes. UGh.
What if he has addiction problems- did you mention that? (I hope I'm remembering right that that's you and not someone else's H...)
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I"m so depressed about the prospect of leaving H alone iwth S and I feel he's so unsafe. L says if H refuses the court ordered parenting classes then I may have some ammunition. But not much.
Ok, so you don't have to deal with this quite yet. Maybe down the road but not today. If it's causing you anguish, maybe you can try to shift it to the list of things you eventually have to deal with, but not now. That's probably kind of lame advice, but that's what I'm trying to do with things that are scaring and stressing me out. Like I can't imagine another woman being a step mom to my child. I'm WAAAAAAYYYYY out in the future with my worries and trying to reel back. I hope tomorrow is better for you--
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Hi Hope4luv..I just finished reading your entire thread over here in piecing. I find many similarities in our situations. My H has the same abusive tendencies that your H has displayed. I have confirmed that my H was involved in a full blown A..which has been going on for almost 2 years...which is little bit different than your sitch..but still an addiction.
I admire the way you have handled yourself. It is so difficult to always be the person to diffuse the situation..tip toeing around all the time..constantly watching what you say to avoid a "you don't make any sense when you talk".."what are you talking about"..or any other 'talk down' that they feel like tossing your way.
I also can relate to how you always need to watch what you do to avoid your H getting angry. You almost lose yourself in the process..making your decisions based on how you expect your H to react. You can insert my dogs for your cats..and poop for pee- and we are telling the same tale. Always critical but never offering to help..or solving any problems that arise..just nice enough to point out what you are doing wrong. After awhile you cannot help but think there is something very wrong with you..why else would the man you love be treating or talking to you this way?
Don't be too hard on yourself for losing it at times. When you get punched in the gut over and over again..it is hard to not want to put up your hands to protect yourself..and even throw a punch back here and there. I have regretted punching back in the past..it isn't who I am..and I am always disappointed with myself afterwards. There is a fine line between take the high road and being a doormat..not sure if I have figured any of this out yet..but it sounds like you are well on your way..as am I.
H4L, I don't know your H. But I'm going to ask you to question whether your S is unsafe with your H. Is that really true? Yes, your H has behaved badly both on his own and in front of your S. But IME, my H has become a better father in some ways since he started taking the kids on his own since the separation. He's doing some things wrong but he also realizes that he is flying solo without me there to guide and support him as he's used to. He knows I won't be there to emotionally rescue everyone if he flies into a rage. Or that the kids still need his care and attention if he doesn't get enough sleep. I can tell that your H takes his role as a father very seriously. It is a huge compromise on his part to have been spending time with your S in your home even when he hasn't wanted to deal with the M or you.
I know that I have to deal with my fears about how this is affecting the children in IC. It's too big for me to handle on my own, and there is a lot of stuff there. My own baggage clouds my vision.
When it comes to H taking the kids, I have to keep coming back to trust. He is a loving father and he is THEIR father.
hugs to you...I hope you feel better today
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks FM I am very glad this is true for you and I'm sure in that way it is a blessing. Am I correct in remembering that your H wasn't that involved of a father before he left?
What can I say. I only know what I see. When I'm not here I don't know what is happening. Yes my H is a very involved father and always has been. IMO he has become a much worse father since the separation - he sees his son less, he is less reliable, his temper is much more out of control. Perhaps that only happens when I'm around but it's what I've seen.
That said, there was a good breakthrough in that area. One thing that has been bothering me is how my H yells at my S all morning to get him going to school. Last night, H came to me and said he has a new tactic. He said he is going to play "Scooby Doo" to get S motivated for school. I noticed H using a more playful tone instead of angry. It was wonderful.
Strangely, this came the same day I spoke to the L who recommended parenting classes for H. I swear sometimes they are psychic!
He was also still critical of me, but in a less demanding tone if that makes sense. He said he feared the housework was slipping and he blames the theatre - I stood up for myself and said that everyone in this house has been sick for a week - including me - but I did notice he tried to keep his tone light.
They are small babysteps but they mean a lot to me.
