I've had panic attacks from the time I was a teenager. Whenever something drastic in my life would happen it would bring the panic attacks back again.
I mostly have them when I drive.
I guess my biggest fear is losing my spouse. You are so right. I do define myself by my dreams for the future that we both had. And the growing old together, it makes it worse because a week before he left without having a clue he was making future plans for us. You are so right I am in such fear that it is not going to happen now.
I think though it is different from death and a WAS. Sometimes I think it would be easier not that I would want it to happen ever, but if something happened to H at least I knew he loved me before it happened. With WASs you feel and/or told that you are no longer loved the way they use to love you.
I wish I could just let go of all of this fear that I have. I'm in IC and trying to get through all of this stuff that I'm experiencing. I really need to get control of my mental health big time. How I wish there was a magic pill or something just to get me to detach and move forward!
I work two jobs just to get by and boy oh boy I have to house clean the house. Always make plans to start on the weekend coming up but then I'm so down and out, so I just sit and cry. I know I need to make myself do it, I just don't know if it's because I figure why bother? Who knows if I will be living here and if so for how long? Who is going to notice? No one comes around. I don't want to be around anyone.
8 months ago I started the house cleaning thinking there will be hope that H was coming home and that it was just another episode with his depression. We use to do the major house cleaning together.
I remember when I wished for time for myself and now that's all I have. My S19 moved out 2 months ago with his girlfriend and now my D13 is always with her friends out doing stuff. I feel so alone! I don't have much family left at all. What the kicker is, is that me and H couldn't wait for her to get a little older so we could do stuff together and leave her by herself. Now the time has come and he is gone.
Sorry for going on and on but having a very depressed day as you can tell.
