how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

OTM,

you shared some great ideas, thank you as always for your thoughts.

i won't rush to sign anything or have a lawyer look at the agreement...i'm so confused right now i hardly know which way is up.

i don't think telling him i'll sign on the condition that he do a retro weekend or try MC will work. he knows i'm willing to try MC and he is just not there anymore. if he came to MC with me only because it's the only way i'd sign, i know his heart wouldn't be in it and that would get us nowhere, fast.

i did say to him that he's feeling these things RIGHT NOW and he may feel differently down the road. the agreement says "both parties have no expectation of reconciliation" but my H did say, if we did decide to reconcile, we'd have to file another document with the separation agreement. it didn't give me much hope, but i guess at least he said that much.

i don't want to give up but i also dont' want to struggle so desperately against something that is outside of my control. if this is what he wants, whether or not he'll always want it, it's what he wants and i can't change that. fighting against it or resisting it isn't going to change his mind. in fact, it will probably do the opposite.

in order to file "uncontested" in my state, we must have submitted a signed separation agreement that states that we've already agreed on the division of any property, finances, etc. so essentially, we DO need one for the type of divorce we would file for.

i did assure my H last night that i do not see him as a failure and that i would never think badly of him. maybe one day i will look back and thank him for sending me down an unexpected path in my life that leads to greater happiness than i thought possible. maybe one day we will have a stronger M because of all of this. maybe one day he will send me photos of his first son. i do not know where this road will take me. sometimes i want to curse the road and blame it for my unhappiness and suffering, but i know it's not the road's fault. it's just so much easier to blame what is right in front of you, what you can immediately point to and say, i'm hurt because of YOU. but that's not the way i want to live.

i'm assuming we'll be NC for a while. his sister had to make a few minor adjustments to the agreement before i have a L look over it, and he owes me tax money. my 30th birthday is next friday. it's very easy for me to sit here, like a victim, feeling sorry for myself. but that's not who i want to be. i can and i will celebrate without him, but i know i will be heavy hearted.

i feel like i can no longer reach out to my H and tell him i'm thinking about him, tell him i miss him, tell him i hope he's ok. what if i never see him again? i can't be friends with him. i can be friendly to him...but i can't see him in my life as a friend. i want him to be happy and successfull, with or without me, but i don't know if i could stand to see it if it ends up being without me.