Passenger I personally think you have to start with a conversation that is between you and him without anyone else present... where is down to you..I am not sure he has fully commited to this OW and would not be too concerned what he is feeding her, lying is standard and comes with A's.The experts say believe nothing you hear and only 50% of what you see when H;s are in the fog and in the early stages in infatuation.
I am not sure the stats will do what you need them to do. He wont care, he will believe he is in that less than 1% category. Try not to bring the Ow into your debate, he will only feel he has to defend her.Keep it to you and how your children will be impacted if he continues his behaviour. What grounds is he planning to D you on?You have not done anything wrong. Try and concentrate on the positives as well. He is still with you,in your bed,you have the kids, the house, the history. I would say that at the moment all is your favour not the OW. They use them and abuse them..
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Funny but on one of the emails I read, the OW asked if my name was on the houses. Weird that in the midst of this chemical infatuation and she still has enough wherewithal to think of his finances and wonder about them. LOL
They both can. Infidelity does not keep you from thinking about money... it just gives you tunnel vision. He will ONLY think about money in the context of how he can procure MORE to FEED his ADDICTION
All addicts want more money so they can continue their addiction, they know they need it... THey lie for it, they humiliate themselves for it, and eventually they will break the law and steal it
And unless OW is married, she's not addicted, its just your H
I guess there goes my fear again, Puppy. I totally hear what you're saying and I agree. He's just starting to be more "around" if you know what I mean. He just came up for lunch, albeit he left early, and he was so close to me last night. We're going out for DSS's bday tonight, and he agreed to do a family night at the fish and game on Friday. He's just seeming to want to be around a bit more now, although it may just be that she's busy at work or something.
Anyway, if I tell him that we have decisions to make and I want him to end it, I'm afraid he'll just "say fine, see you later then." Again, it's the introductions to our friends. That's exactly how he brought me into his life. I keep focusing on that because it's his history.
I watched one of the Dr. Phil videos on the intervention and I was wondering if I could use one of the things he said. How about this instead?
"I have decided that this isn't working for me. I will not live in an open marriage, and have you lie to me about it. I know all about you and (OW), and it's incredibly disrespectful. I value myself too much to keep doing this. I want to give this M my all and see if we can revive it, and that's impossible with a third party involved."
Funny but on one of the emails I read, the OW asked if my name was on the houses. Weird that in the midst of this chemical infatuation and she still has enough wherewithal to think of his finances and wonder about them. LOL
They both can. Infidelity does not keep you from thinking about money... it just gives you tunnel vision. He will ONLY think about money in the context of how he can procure MORE to FEED his ADDICTION
I dunno Pass, my vote is to confront him wtih his freinds and family thre so he can SEE they are supporting YOU...
Puppy seems to prefer a quiet one - on - one...
Interventions are usually done with freinds and family, not as a one on one.
Good quote there Pass, what video was it that you watched? Was it the one I posted? Good stuff there.
Also Pass, he may just be hanging around to keep an EYE on YOU.
Often during an affair the cheaters lie so much they get paranoid and start distrusting everyone ELSE... lol
When my wife was cheating and we both KNEW she was... she actually blasted me one night and accused me of cheating.. I just laughed it off... there wasn't a shred of evidence to suggest I had even looked at another woman and she knew it. She just had no ammo and was paranoid.
I love that woman like crazy, but addictions make people do really silly things...
"I have decided that this isn't working for me. I will not live in an open marriage, and have you lie to me about it. I know all about you and (OW), and it's incredibly disrespectful. I value myself too much to keep doing this. I want to give this M my all and see if we can revive it, and that's impossible with a third party involved."
I think that's fine, but there's no "or else" in there. What is a boundary, if there is no stated consequence for crossing it??
I posted this the other day, I can't remember to whom, but it bears repeating:
Quote:
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.
I think that's fine, but there's no "or else" in there. What is a boundary, if there is no stated consequence for crossing it??
Ya, I said this before in a different thread
When you confront your spouse for cheating, it is a negotiation, and consequences are your currency. Your spouse needs to know the PRICE he is giong to have to pay to keep the affair going.
The confrontation is where you prsent him with "the bill" for continued promiscuity. The bill itemizes the consequences he brings on himself should he choose to continue.
AND, you present him the more desirable alternative
End the affair, and I tear up this invoice right now... its an easy choice if you play it well
I don't know if she is being honest that the M is over with her H or not, but I suspect he doesn't know it's over, as that's usually the way these things play out. It's script, right? They lie to their spouses and to each other. Yeah, good start on a good life together... LOL. Anyway, I'm planning on exposing on the same day - but their number is unlisted and all I have is a phone number that may or may not be theirs. I also know he works for a tow company on Sundays, so that may work to get a hold of him.
