well, one thing that the coaching session did for me yesterday is remind me of the positive approach I should be taking. I looked back at my old threads from last time and realized that one thing I am missing is that I used to post babysteps, goals, and keep a PMA. I was very positive and it made me feel positive and I subsequently was SURE we'd stay together.
This time I've been desperate thinking that because he introduced her to our friends, that it's very close to the end. Instead, I'm just seeing this now as the next stage of his A. Maybe he just feels that desperate or like I'm that ready to D him. He's scared and I need to see that and react accordingly.
So, today I will post goals. I will post my babysteps now, as small as they may seem.
1. DH slept with me instead of her on Monday 2. In the am he was petting the dog on the bed and "flopped" onto me with the dog twice. He didn't pull away when his body touched mine. 3. Monday night was the first time that he let himself "touch" me during the night (for the past few weeks, the second any part of our bodies touch, he pulls away and scoots his body to get as far away as possible. 4. We had a nice time at family night last night. DH has been having transmission troubles and it's been in the shop three times already, but he got us home safe and I made sure to show my appreciation. 5. Last night he was so close to me I almost thought he was going to throw an arm over me.
Pass,
I think a PMA is good -- and important -- but I think your goals/"babysteps" are WAY too focused on your H. At this stage, your goals should be GAL goals, and focused on YOU.
Basic goal-setting stuff: goals should be realistic, attainable, challenging, and measurable. You can't control what OTHERS do, so goals should be about your OWN behavior, attitudes, achievements, etc.
I know this flies in the face of how MWD teaches "goals" and "babysteps," but that's just my opinion. How in the world can you try to encourage detachment and ending co-dependency/enmeshment, while encouraging people to set goals like "H will not pull away when I touch him in bed," or "W will take my calls when I call her," etc.???
Oh, those weren't my goals Puppy, those were just my babysteps. Little things I noticed that show that the intimacy/affection is still there inside of him. Last time, it really helped me focus on what was working and do more of that. Plus it boosted my PMA, which allowed me to smile more.
I'm still working on my goals.
And yes, by him using the apartment as his personal love nest, we are not able to rent it out.
Were you renting it out previously? Is the rental income from it something that's been in your family's budget?
I'm a big believer in FORMAL financial arrangements during separation. If you do one, this needs to be on HIS side of the ledger, since it is his decision to try to flee the marriage, and therefore HIS need for a 2nd residence.
Yes, the house just barely supports itself with the three floors rented out and it's been empty for 6 months while he goes over there every Monday to "fix" it.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's ready to rent. But I believe they have stuff in the fridge, maybe a mattress, etc. As it is, the other floors are not paying rent and we're ready to lose it.
Yes, I'm on the deed. For years it was just me as his ex was always looking for assets to attack, and we have a prenup saying that house is mine. But it's underwater right now.
Funny but on one of the emails I read, the OW asked if my name was on the houses. Weird that in the midst of this chemical infatuation and she still has enough wherewithal to think of his finances and wonder about them. LOL
The other two floors would need to be evicted. I'm thinking of moving towards that goal.
No, sorry, the second and third floor are full but not paying rent. The first floor is where he's been seeing OW, and that's empty. It's embarrassing but the tenants know also.
I'm thinking through how I'm going to confront DH. First question I have is where do I do it? In the house (he can run away), restaurant (he loves food), MIL house (he may feel pressured, but it would give her a chance to tell him she supports us working on it)
Here's my list. I know it's long, I just feel like it's all important...
1. I know about the A 2. I respect myself too much to live in an open M 3. We can save this M and I want to do that 4. You're hurting me, the kids, and your family deeply by your actions 5. I will no longer facilitate your using the apartment as your personal sex palace. It will be closed to you and rented. 6. I will not baby-sit the children while you are out committing infidelity 7. I love 'friends' very much, they've become part of my family- and you've hurt me deeply with what you told them about me and by introducing OW to them as your soul mate
Next two are iffy, I know... I would love to say them just to make myself feel better... and because on some level he KNOWS this stuff, he's read the books, we've BTDT, you know. 8. Only 1% of affairs survive to M and of them, over 75% end in D. Once the "in love, you're my soul mate and we're so in sync" chemicals subside, you will have to deal with reality. The reality is you are building this affair based on lies, deceit, and pain 9. If you put as much energy into this M as you did hiding the A, we'd be very happy right now.
YOu're trying to confront him, TEACH him, land "truth darts," and more, all in one meeting.
SEPARATE.
This one should be only "I have decided that this isn't working for me. I will not live in an open marriage, and have you lie to me about it. I know all about you and (OW), and it's incredibly disrespectful, and I value myself too much to keep doing this. We both have some decisions to make, but make no mistake, if you don't end this thing, I will do what I need to do to protect myself, and to move on."
There'll be time later to land some good truth darts (and you've got a couple REAL GOOD ONES here!), I promise you.
I would do this privately, just the two of you -- don't involve any relatives.
8. The reality is you are building this affair based on lies, deceit, and pain 9. If you put as much energy into this M as you did hiding the A, we'd be very happy right now.
Those two are good just like that
I dropped the 1% thing give you two are an affair couple.. he will just tell you that YOU and HE only have a 1% and there's no hope.. he will turn it against you... so don't use it
