Since I last posted, H has called my bff who we were going on Easter vacation with and me a couple of times. He first texted me to book the hotel. No reference to what has happened.
To make a long story short, his words were "I didnt want to put salt on the wound, yes she has met her as we were coming out of the house one morning and I introduced them, dont know if they talk bla bla bla..." I asked him if how come he isnt sick and tired of being worried about what I may find out and by whome. He said very much so. I asked him why cant he then just come clean or at least be honest when I ask specific questions...
He wants to draw a line, get us strong enough to be able to handle the diclosure. He brought up how "he handles NY" and I got furious. First of all it is not the same and second he hasnt asked me anything and I havent lied. But anyway, his usual way of dodging things.
He said he is the only one humiliated in this story, that he is afraid if he tells me things he will hurt our realationship etc etc. He is completely deaf to my needs. I told him exactly what awest said, that last night I didnt go looking for anything, his lie just popped up, and that lie set me back 50 steps. It wouldnt have been the same if I had not asked. But I had and he swore he was honest. I told him he burnt his chances, over and over again, I expect him to be a man as he said and he ends up being a pussy. Yes, I said pussy.
He said he understands my feelings, but that he is more logical to know what I want will hurt us (he probably wants to tell me he proposed to her!!! from the way it sounds). He said lets together draw a line and not allow the past to hurt us any longer. I agreed and said right now, it i sthe present that hurts me. He said he feels I am looking for excuses to give up. I listed all the chances I have given him and asked him if he feels a person can have so much at some point and NOT any more. He agreed he has gotten away with a lot.
I ended the call. He called back and said "just so that you know, I would love it if we went away for Easter". I didnt respond.
My bff told him that if he wants US he needs to be ho nest and talk to me. She refused to get in the middle as he asked her. K
maybe I am completely, completely totally wrong. But it's like anything, you say or do it wrong in a way. Like he turns it back on you.
Well, only if you this or that? Am I making any sense?
Maybe I am just annoying you and all that post on your thread... b/c I know my thoughts are usually outside of what others think...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Why does he get to decide, when and if about disclosure? Like he has all the power on this here.
Comparing to NY- seems honestly ridiculous. Like just trying to find any reason to prove your point of view wrong.
Would he be willing to go back to MC?
He said he understands my feelings, but that he is more logical to know what I want will hurt us (he probably wants to tell me he proposed to her!!! from the way it sounds). He said lets together draw a line and not allow the past to hurt us any longer. I agreed and said right now, it i sthe present that hurts me. He said he feels I am looking for excuses to give up. I listed all the chances I have given him and asked him if he feels a person can have so much at some point and NOT any more. He agreed he has gotten away with a lot.
Oh why, b/c he is so d@mn insightful? This is a line of b@ll, IMO.
I probably am really upsetting the people who post here and perhaps you also. If you want me to stop give the word and I will respect that and stop.
I honestly am rooting for you and your happiness. I don't want to be a hindrance.
Last edited by june72; 03/31/1003:01 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I hope your daughter feels better soon. And it must be so hard to see your father go through that. It must be on your mind a lot.
Your M is in quite a dilemmma. You need honesty and disclosure to trust and open yourself in the M. And your H needs to feel that everything is OK in your M before he discloses. You both want and need emotional safety here...you have that in common.
FWIW, honesty is very important to me and I don't have a lot of sympathy for excuses that people find to avoid telling the truth. Your H wants to be in control of the information because he wants to manage your reactions.
Kalni, I hope that you can avoid taking action for a while. It's easy to walk away...that option is always there for you. But repairing the damage from impulsive actions is not so easy. I think you owe it to yourself to act from a calm, grounded place...not in reactive mode.
My thoughts are with you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flowmom, I agree with your wise insight. I would just like to add the caveat that this martial discourse has been going on for YEARS! Kalni has put forth huge amounts of effort and her husband keeps throwing up road blocks IMO...
Kalni, I know you are wise. How do you see the future playing out? Do you see change coming from this man? I mean you need him to change, right? Or will you wait and wait and try harder and harder. Only for it to be put back on you that you did not do enough in some way to make him feel "comfortable" or "ready to have sex" etc.
Again, I know I have a contentious view and do not want to add firewood to the fire.
So if my opinions are hindering I will respectfully shut up
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Maybe I am a mind reader because I said almost what he told you!! You need to focus on the here and now for now. You can't rebuild when you are constantly knocking the blocks down(and with you I mean anyone not you specifically).
You are the emotional one(Pieces), he not nearly and trys to deal with the logic like most men. He doesn't understand why these little things hurt. He doesn't understand why excluding some information that may hurt you is lying. He lives on an earthquake fault and never knows what is going to set the ground to quake. He does NOT feel secure with you because of these out of the blue emotional outbursts(as he perceives them).
Step back for now, put it in a box and ask each other how you each want your future to be. Then go out an build it. The items in the box are too fragile and you have to get that if you want this to move ahead.
You know I adore you. Be mad at ME if you want.
kat
PS yes you deal with the box when you are both more secure. 1 thing at a time and not all at once.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I am with June on this one. I know that you are completely for your marriage and completely want this to work, which I want for you, that also means that H has to step up as well.
If something like this happens again, and it probably will because H hasn't told you everything and even if he wanted to he can't remember everything, and you blow up, maybe you can come to him later and apologize for blowing up because it shows him you are human too. Then explain, calmly, that you are hurt by what you found out because it is bringing up old feelings. You can then let him know that in the future you will try to not blow up, but you need him to help you (giving him some manly power if he will do it) by answering your question so you can put the new hump behind you quickly.
You can't just wipe this under the rug, but you can ask a simple question "when did S meet OW" get a simple answer, and then you can sweep it under the rug. My issue is he didn't just come out and say yes they met.
I am feeling for you and hope things go well later. Try to relax a little.
Also why not go away with him for Easter. He is asking so have some fun. Start building the good memories you need to establish the great R you want.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
K I am reading everything I just haven't found the right words yet...this is so frustrating for me I can only imagine how it must be for you...
Just last night someone asked me what I would do if exH ever wanted back...I said I really didn't know bc I would so want us to be able to be an "us" again, but I knew just how much work that would require from him, and I don't see that he is capable...but that is my issue not yours...
I just want for you to be able to shine again and be free to give and receive love with a full heart and no limits/roadblocks...
There is nothing unreasonable about expecting full and open disclosure in order for a marriage to recover from even a single isolated incident of infidelity, let alone a relationship that extended for months or years.
Normally I would agree that openness comes slowly, and I would normally understand a desire to not "pour salt into wounds."
In this case, your husband has no grounds to take this as his excuse, as it seems to me you have emphasized time and time again your need for the whole unfettered truth.
One can only conclude that either a) he is simply not listening or hearing what you are telling him over and over again, or b) he is unwilling to make the personal sacrifice of putting himself completely on the line with the truth.
Don't for one minute be convinced by anyone that you are the stumbling block. Your shortcomings in piecing this relationship back together have been laid bare on this forum. I would say that you have gone incredibly far beyond what most would do in order to facilitate your husband "easing" back in to this marriage.
Eventually actions must match words, or one can only be led to believe the words to be false or, at the least, disingenuous. While I agree that progress has been made with your husband, I will also submit that it has been only EASY progress.
What has he done to this point that TRULY cost him anything? What sacrifice has HE made (note - ACTION, not words) that indicates how strongly he wants this to be healed and last?
I'm not suggesting that it's time to throw in the towel. You and only you get to decide how and when to make those kinds of decisions. But I also will not agree with anyone who suggests that your husbands deficiencies are because of you.
That smacks WAY too much of making the left behind spouse the scapegoat for past, present, and future failings. It's ridiculous.
And finally, I will chime in with my agreement that his attempts to "turn" conversations back to YOUR failings come perilously close to mental/emotional abuse. Those types of responses are designed to shut you up and make YOU feel guilty, all the while deflecting any attempts to observe HIS actions.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Kalni, can you get outside advice from an IC or MC on all of this.
I mean we are all well intended but we do not have the background needed for serious input on something like this. I wonder what an expert would say.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
