flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

When I was posting to Jaime's thread, I realized the depth of the mindgames that are going on in my sitch.

H is playing the part of the "good guy" and "good father". He is clinging onto being seen as someone who is fulfilling his responsibilities...even though he dropped the ball years ago by refusing to deal with the issues.

And I'm playing a part too. "I'm not going to make this easy on you by being a b*tch about it." My revenge is maximizing his guilt by being good and nice. The truth is that he had reasons for leaving, and he may have done us a favour by doing it (though that does NOT apply to how it's affecting our children).

Authenticity is probably one of my highest values. I am finding it very hard not to clear the air by speaking my truth to H. My truth is that I did have some power in the R and I made some poor and misguided choices as a person and as a wife. I want to take responsibility for that. In spite of the devastation of being abandoned, I don't want to be in a victim role here, and not being a victim means recognizing the consequences of one's own actions and inactions (!!!).

I am annoyed by the superficiality of our interactions. I feel that I am participating in a ridiculous charade where our shared history together is now expressed on the level of how you would conduct a transaction with a bank teller.

Gno advised me against being mysterious, and I'm trying to figure out whether or how to mention that I'm going snowshoeing in a group, not on a "date".