I have decided to start a new thread as my H has now moved in with OW full time.
Two Wednesdays ago I set boundaries about OW and moving his bikes and tools from the garage. He was shocked and tearful. I also asked if he would come to S counselling session which he agreed without hesitation and infact reminded me 4 days later about it! Previously would have never entertained it at all.
He remains depressed and I still see his 'children' from time to time. Last Saturday we saw the 13 year old. Loved playing with gadgets and wouldn't give in until he could get his phone to do what he wanted. He was then very proud of himself. He also tried cleaning up a mess in the kitchen and got into a bigger mess trying. Went with my S13 to see a film and when H was saying how good it was it was like talking to my S about it.
Anyway I have a question to ease my confusion.
I believe H moved in with OW about 22nd March 10. Since then he has increased his visits home, talking to the kids a lot more, ringing me to chat lasting 7 minutes and 4 minutes, has contacted me everyday this week via text,was determined to fetch D from the airport despite me taking the day off to do it. Finally his car broke down yesterday and he has had it towed here for him to come and mend. He says he is coming Good Friday.He has also given me some money towards D insurance for her car without me asking.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated as I thought we would be seeing him less now they are living together. One point the children refused to meet her.
THEY have trouble knowing why they're doing what they're doing, so it's even harder for the LBS to figure it out ... besides which, you can only engage in mindreading, not solid proof of anything.
On the whole, I'd assume it's just more cake-eating: making sure he still has access to both of you. My H said he felt the best when he was sure he could have a relationship with both me and the OW (because he didn't have to make any hard decisions).
Try to keep the focus on you and your children--what have you got planned for Easter?
I am by no means and expert but take it for what it is...just signs of kindness. Try not to look to much into them as they will drive you nuts trying to figure out what he might be thinking.
As Cyrena said - keep the focus on you and your kids.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
H visited on Good Friday to see the children. He arrived driving OW car. I asked him never to do that again. H was shocked that it upset me and said he was very sorry.
The result of this was an indepth discussion for 2 hours during which time we both cried and he cuddled me when I was upset.
We discussed our marriage and how he saw it (I validated this), the future (he was pessimistic about OW), why he moved in with OW (he had nowhere else to go and is broke), the children and how he got it so wrong with them, how he felt (he said he had a lot of issues in his head and acknowledged he was depressed) he started discussing his childhood and how he felt when his mother died. He also agreed to come to a counselling session for S13 who is struggling coming to terms with him leaving.
Since our conversation he has talked on the telephone every day. The Saturday after he rang to see if I was alright and the enquiry sounded sincere. He is currently away with S13 for 3 days. He has sent photo's of S enjoying himself. Last time he took him away I heard nothing for the whole time they were way and only saw the photo's 4 months later.
H appears to be taking small steps in the right direction through the tunnel as this is the first time he has spoken of these things since he left and kept in contact consistently by phone. He usually texts.He has had a number of touch and go's previously but this feels more intense on his part.
H can also see that I am doing things for myself that he would normally have done and is always surprised that they have been done.
I will carry on as I am building my own life and moving forward but watching.
H is touching base more frequently and has some insight into his issues. He is currently living with OW, though spending increasingly more time at home for one reason or another.
How do I find the happy medium of being there as a friend to letting them get away with to much cake eating?
If he is coming through the tunnel slowly I don't want to be obstructive to that but I don't want him to have the best of both worlds while sorting himself out.
That is a tough thing to figure out. Can you find ways to be out when he is home, or at least make sure you are not necessarily in the same room? I personally don't feel like you should keep him away. The more time he spends with the kids the better IMO.
I would like him to come and spend time with the kids as their relationship is getting stronger again. I don't want him to withdraw because of my attitude although I always try to be happy and approachable when he is at home.
I do try and busy myself when he is around and I have gone out for the evening.
He can see my movement forward i.e decorating, changing my dress style etc.
Really, that is the only/best thing you can do. Let him work on his relationship with the kids and see what happens with regards to you along the road.
That is where my H seems to be right now. He is definitely reconnecting with the kids it seems, but not really yet with me though some progress, but I realize that that is really more important now anyway. They are young, they don't understand really what we are dealing with, and they are thrilled he is "daddy" again for the most part. They have missed him the past year and a half. Yes, I would love for him to be reconnecting more with me but I am an adult and do understand it all better so I think I can cope easier.
Hang in there - sounds like you are doing well overall!
Well after poking his nose out of the tunnel for further and longer than previously he is slipping back.
His spending has increased significantly since living with OW. He is shopping in food shops that he can't afford to and I would never dream of going near. He has also bought some hormonal compound to prevent aging. So the Hokey Kokey continues as replay comes to the for again.
He has withdrawn back into the tunnel as I think he has spooked himself. Telephone calls every day for 10 days and texts daily for another week before that. Nothing today.
This makes it easier for me to detach and carry on with my life for me. All this touch and going makes me uneasy with regard to cake eating.
