...First, I know it's probably not a good idea to seek the information I found because it just drives me more crazy. I feel like one of these days I'll be upset and just blurt out "I know you have urges, I know what you do, but why not with me?" and I know this is a VERY BAD IDEA. I just can't help but look at the history bar when I get online. It's almost an obsession. I even try to find out what time of day, to get some kind of weird insight into his sexual self. How do I ignore this for my own sanity?
Second, is the increasing frequency of his solo activities a good sign that he's making an effort, or should I be concerned that he separates sex from me in his mind?
I'd also like some advice about how to get through this first phase patiently and successfully. I've tried this before, only to break down and give him the old "why don't you want me" talk after about a month or so, putting me right back at square one. This, I think, would be the most important advice, because I'm anxious, bored and antsy.
Congratulations for taking control of your life and doing what you think you need to help build your marriage. Also great that you have held off on having kids.
Part of getting a life is focusing on "you." You already completely understand that you should not be spying on your husband. The answer to your first question is....listen to yourself and stop spying.
If I were you, I would give up on daily or even weekly spying on what your husband is watching as it is not going to bring you any happiness and just as you already know give you one more thing to worry about.
I would however, take a close look at some of the websites to see if there is something that he really desires that you might be able to offer him. For example, if the websites were lets say devoted to outdoor sex, or focused on women in stocking, or some other theme, then this might indicate a sexual fantasy that you husband would secretly like to try and might offer you a way of connecting with him at some point in the future. If nothing else, if you ever have a discussion where you ask him about his fantasies and you tell him about yours, you might have a better idea of questions to ask.
As to your second question, internet porn is out there and most men are exposed to it to one degree or another. You should be concerned if it causes your husband to engage in "risky behavior" or if he develops an addiction to it. That is a slippery slope as to where has he crossed the line. I am not a woman, but my thought would be if he masturbates to internet porn on a regular basis, that is where I would think things are getting out of control. If he just watches it to get arroused and it is not interferring with the amount of sleep he is getting (i.e. he isn't staying up watching it until 2 AM), I would not be overly concerned. I would also listen to others on this as I am just guessing and offering my personal opinions.
And now to the question that caused me to want to respond. How do you really make GAL a life-change and not a temporary activity? I think that is a great question.
For me, I have fought weight and fitness issues off an on for 40 years. I hope that my recent GAL to loose weight and get fit is a permanent lifestyle change.
I have some real motivation besides my relationship with my wife having deteriorated to a really low point. I was diagnosed with mild type 2 diabetes and I was clearly by the height weight charts obesse last August. I have in my youth had an extremely active outdoor lifestyle, climbing mountains, backpakcing, hunting, hiking, skiing, etc.
I decided that by January 2011, I was going to be at a normal weight (i.e. not obeese, not overweight, but normal), that I was going to have the sex and touching that I needed to be happy, and that I was going to be medically healthy.
So far I have lost over 30 pounds and am no longer obesse, but "overweight." My blood glucose levels have fallen dramatically into what the American Diabetes Association defines as "tight blood glucose control" levels without any medication. I work out and run several miles a week, and am signed up for competitive 5 mile and half marathon runs that I am training for. I have started snow skiing again this winter and really enjoyed it, even if my wife hasn't gone with me.
I am planning on doing some mountain climbing this summer and I will definately be going on some deep woods day hikes, if not overnight hikes this summer.
I have a written set of goals for myself in terms of quarterly weight loss, demonstrations of fitness (I have time goals for finishing the races I have signed up for), and goals in regards to sex and touching. Earlier this year when I was not getting the touching I needed from my wife, I started getting a weekly massage (not the kind with a happy ending, but deep tissue massage from a licensed therapist). I had never done that before and it showed my wife that I have clear options to her.
What I have found that has helped me a lot is both "visualization" and "affirmations." At the gym where I work out, I use my MP3 player that I have loaded a number of audio book self-help CD's onto it. Some of them are self-hypnosis or subliminal weight loss messages, some are focused on affirmations for encouraging me to exercise and love exercising, some are focused on body self-image (i.e. I love my body and am proud of my body), some are relationship based. This means that 3 to 4 days a week I might get anywhere from say 40 to 50 minutes of MP3 listening in to help keep me motivated on different aspects of what I am trying to achieve.
Another thing that has helped is that my wife and I have been drawn together by some of my GAL activities. For example, she has been shocked at how much better I look and the complements about me she has recieved from her friends. She has also realized that if I leave her, other women would probably find me attractive and said so. She and I have started to try to each weekend (depending on weather and schedules) go for a nice 3 to 5 mile walk. We are now both signed up for a 5-mile competitive run and even our adult children are going to run in that race (although they be doing the half marathon or 13 mile version). So walking, running and getting in shape have become something that is drawing my family together.
I am committed to being happy, sexually active with a woman that loves me, in shape, at a normal weight, and healthy by January 2011. My total weight loss plan from last August to where I want to be is a little less than one pound per week, so my goals are not unreasonable. I have tried to make sure that each goal is achievable.
I also keep two diaries. One is weight, blood glucose, exercise (weight lifted/reps, miles run, cal burned, time, etc.), what I have eaten, levels of stress, hours of sleep, and how hungry I am. The other is the things I have done to show affection to my wife and that she has shown me as signs of affection with an entry each morning and each evening.
Writing things down really makes you pay attension to what you eat, how much you exercise and if you have been treating your spouse with love and affection. I have been surprised with how many things my wife does that are signs of affection, but are just not the kind of vigorous touching and sex that I crave. It has helped me see that she is trying and I am quite pleased to say that with the help of a couple of board certified sex therapists I am getting the sex and vigorous touching that I need to feel loved.
One of the things that our joint sex therapist did for us was to help us creat a mental image of a loving, sexually active couple and tell us to visualize that and how that image will lead us to happiness and a closer realationship. She also gave my wife "affirmations" to help her with her body self-image. My wife's individual sex therapist and doctor has also helped her deal with body self image issues to the point that several of her inhibitions have disappeared at least paritally. Both of the therapists made my wife understand that if she didn't want to change how she interacted with me, we were headed for divorce and they both independently make sure she understood that this mean if she wanted to be divorced or not divorced it might all come down to what she did or didn't do. That realization, plus seeing that I was changing and not going to stop really scared her into deciding she also could change.
I have talked to my wife about some things that we can do that will help bring us closer together and will be part of my GAL goals of getting fit, loosing weight and becoming healthy. My wife suggested to me that we find a diebetic cooking class and take it together. We have talked about taking County Western line dancing lessons. She has suggested maybe taking kayaking lessons together. The point is that GAL and being drawn together with your spouse can work out. Some things can really help your sexual relationship also. I have purchased some books/DVD's on couples massage, sensual massage, and reflexology and we have practiced some of them on each other. Taking a couples massage course could be a way to re-establish "touch" communication between you and your spouse.
I wish you luck and applaud your taking control of your life.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
