If you'll re-read your OWN post, all the answers to the questions you asked in the beginning of your post are answered within that SAME post.
You had the answers all along, everyone does, they just have to learn to access those within themselves.
You ARE truly a success because you found and use the key.
The key, defined, is honestly working on yourself; connecting with the answers that are found within YOU, only then, will you know the best way to go in your journey, whether the marriage makes it or not.
You are right, you cannot stand if you've not worked on YOU.
I'd already gotten what I had to do, three months post-bomb when I came to the board back in late 2001. I was posting as "hurting badly" then. Hearts Blessing didn't come until later on when things were on a much better course.
There was still SO much I had to learn, and I finished what learning I could do here. Yet, even at this late date, I STILL learn new things, but these are associated with where I'm walking now within my life. You never stop growing and learning..that continues for the rest of your life.
If my husband hadn't wanted to continue with me, I would have dealt with that, as my marriage was not a means to an end, but the journey within was and is, important to my growing and becoming a better person, than I had been before his MLC.
I, too, remember a completely different board when I was here in late 2001 to early 2003. Some things were the same, as some wanted a "quick fix"..but that was not to be, so people were helped to work toward fixing themselves.
Some got it right off the bat, for some it took time, some continued to fight the idea of change. Still, some were still fighting these ideas when I left.
There was alot of fun and laughter back at that time, too.
There was never a shortage of people willing to explain the journey; yet, the gentle reminder always was that each person was different, each MLC was different..and you couldn't fit your experience into someone else's, no matter how similar the circumstances might be.
It made for some very disappointed people when things for them didn't come out as it had for me, and others.
I know that it doesn't matter how many ways I or anyone else explains it, people will ALWAYS have to find their OWN ways to cope, grow, and change.
Each person is at their own unique place in their own unique journey in each of their own unique lives.
The attitudes, personalities, ways, may be similar, but are SO different with each person.
Comprehension, understanding, wisdom and knowledge gained are not on the same time scale, therefore, each person has a totally different experience in this.
Tools may be offered, but no one is really forced to walk this journey if they do not choose to; there ARE choices.
Last of all, but not least, there are NO guarantees, whether in life, MLC, or ANY trial that is gone through.
I learned a long time ago that I could not save the world, I could only change myself, share what I learned with others, and let the rest go.
I do not give my time to others for something I am missing...there's nothing missing within me, I am complete and whole within MYSELF. That is BECAUSE of the journey I took, not because my spouse and I are reconciled.
Simply put, I give my time because I do care, and don't mind sharing what I know with people, as I was there, too; and you cannot help another until you've walked in their shoes for a time.
In time, the wounds DO heal, much is forgotten, only the lessons connected with the trial/journey is retained within.
A person is not a success for what they do, they are a success for who they are and what they've become within this journey of life.
Never measure your progress by another's journey; realize your own uniqueness, be patient with yourself.
And when you fall down? Well, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself for being human, and WALK ON..the best part of your life is just ahead.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
