Walk in the forset sounds nice! (without the hail part)
Do you guys have any big animals to worry about? Not too far from where we live a mountain biker was killed by a mtn lion a couple of years ago. My DD loves to go on the trails with me but I'm always a bit cautious if there's no one else around.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Just wanted to let you know how much I admire you and your strength and resolve. I don't say that lightly either. You sound like a great person and you are handling your sitch with much dinity. I aspire to act that way when the S*#t storm that I know is coming hits me.
Thanks IDU, everyone else who pulls for me here. It really makes a difference.
SR, we have bears and cougars here. I don't worry too much about them though...the cougars are scarce around here. I've had a few scary run-ins with bears though. The worst involved accidentally cornering a mother bear and her cubs between me and H (who had the kids with him). I've also been stalked by a bear in a very remote area...had to get the chopper to pick me up. Ah yes, field adventures. Don't get me started.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
When I was posting to Jaime's thread, I realized the depth of the mindgames that are going on in my sitch.
H is playing the part of the "good guy" and "good father". He is clinging onto being seen as someone who is fulfilling his responsibilities...even though he dropped the ball years ago by refusing to deal with the issues.
And I'm playing a part too. "I'm not going to make this easy on you by being a b*tch about it." My revenge is maximizing his guilt by being good and nice. The truth is that he had reasons for leaving, and he may have done us a favour by doing it (though that does NOT apply to how it's affecting our children).
Authenticity is probably one of my highest values. I am finding it very hard not to clear the air by speaking my truth to H. My truth is that I did have some power in the R and I made some poor and misguided choices as a person and as a wife. I want to take responsibility for that. In spite of the devastation of being abandoned, I don't want to be in a victim role here, and not being a victim means recognizing the consequences of one's own actions and inactions (!!!).
I am annoyed by the superficiality of our interactions. I feel that I am participating in a ridiculous charade where our shared history together is now expressed on the level of how you would conduct a transaction with a bank teller.
Gno advised me against being mysterious, and I'm trying to figure out whether or how to mention that I'm going snowshoeing in a group, not on a "date".
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I guess I am confused. If you now understand these things in a very clear fashion and they really are for YOU and YOU only then what is the point of clearing the air with your H?
The learning and growing you are doing is for you. If you are starting to really feel it, then GREAT!
It is a very hard pill to swallow when you realize any exchange you have with a WAS is superficial. But that is how HE wanted it and made it very clear by leaving you. If he wants to know or share something that is up to him.
If he asks who you are going snowshoeing with why can't you just say a group of friends or something?
All WAS want to be viewed as the "good guy". To this day I still hear from my H that he is a "good guy" and everybody thinks so. Well, great!
Your H has so many demons to conquer. His own issues along with being "that guy".. the one who left his wife and children. Unless he makes some major changes that will always be a part of him and that is not your burden to carry.
As you said on several other threads... the LBS should not be providing any emotional support to the WAS who is staunch in their stance and heading down the D path.
It is really great you are realizing your role. That is all we can hope for, to learn and grow and not repeat the same mistakes.
Those are really strong, helpful realizations that you've had--good on you.
Of course you're annoyed by the superficiality of your interactions--I certainly remember what that felt like. However, that's the most depth he's able to give your relationship right now, and in order to get to a place where (perhaps) you'll be able to interact in a more honest and meaningful manner, he'll have to grow and make the same kinds of realizations you're making now. He literally will not hear you if you try to "clear the air" because he's brainwashed himself into another reality. I'd suggest, if you want to "speak" your truth, write it all down, and put away the paper. You'll feel better for getting it all out, and you'll likely feel differently about it anyhow once you've grown and processed further.
The snowshoeing sounds like fun. I wouldn't worry too much about the "mystery" involved in snowshoeing, as it wouldn't be a very threatening sort of date....
FM: Gno advised me against being mysterious, and I'm trying to figure out whether or how to mention that I'm going snowshoeing in a group, not on a "date".
Give a brief, "by the way" type positive report afterwards that includes the appreciation for the helpful advice he gave you. This kind of rapport is the way back to the less superficial conversations.
I wouldn't worry too much about the "mystery" involved in snowshoeing, as it wouldn't be a very threatening sort of date....
If H has any concerns about me dating, believe me this would be exactly the kind of date that he would find threatening. Going on outdoor adventures is "our" thing.
I did think of giving him the trip info as a safety thing...in case it does turn into a snowshoeing slasher movie (lol). That would be an indirect way of letting him know.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
H brought the kids home 2 hours late, and it turns out that S6 is sick. He's cancelled camping tonight, fortunately because it wasn't a great idea IMO. Then H wanted to pick the kids up 2 hours later than the plan that we agreed on for the afternoon, because of the change of camping plans. I said that I planned my day around the plan and I'd like to stick to it. He agreed.
He is really expecting me to organize my life around the microadjustments that he makes to his day. I want us both to be flexible around scheduling, but I've been too much of a doormat in this area. He's not entitled to the level of accommodation that I granted him as a wife.
I want to cancel my plans tonight and beg H to let me keep my sick S at home, where he'd probably rather be. But I'm not going to. <sigh> I know it's stupid but I feel guilty about GAL tonight when I have a sick child. I guess not being overprotective continues to be an important 180 for me.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/31/1006:12 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
