Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Hi Gr8.

Thanks for checking in. I think that overall it was a good interaction with W last night. It's so tough to tell sometimes and I try very hard not to read anything into it or have any expectations. After the phone call I decided to go to the gym to get some exercise and not obsess about the conversation. This is a 180 for myself as in the past I probably would have stayed in and thought about the conversation all night. Nice to get the exercise. My W was also at the gym last night. She must have gone right up after the call too. I didn't see her, just saw her car in the parking lot. I went in and worked out in a more remote section of the gym so I wouldn't bump into her. Again, I don't want her to think I'm bothering her. I did enjoy the exercising.

Later last evening I got to thinking about the conversation a bit. It started to bother me that she would not keep me on her health insurance. I'm paying for the car payment and car insurance (car insurance for both of us). So here I am thinking how I'm paying for these things and she can't keep me on her health insurance. That bothers me. I should be able to get my own health insurance soon and I told my W that I am not asking to sponge off of her for the insurance, I would pay for my half. She claimed it was too late and she already cancelled it for the end of the month. I could have gone and reminded her last night that I am paying for the car and car insurance but I didn't. I didn't want to stoop to that level of tit for tat. A few months ago my W told me that if I didn't want to pay for the car that was fine and we could either sell it or give it back to the bank. Um, what? She said something similar about the house back many months ago that we could sell it or let it go into foreclosure. Wow, just can't understand that thinking at all. Granted she said those things a month or two after she left so she was really all over the place then. She's more realistic about things now so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt now. Anyway, that brings me back to the whole health insurance issue. It does bother me. Not so much because I may be without it for 30-60 days, but that she could do that to me.

The health insurane issue is one of the reasons I question if her telling me last night that she sees a change and a more consistent mza8 for the past couple of weeks is a positive thing or not. Logic tells me that if she has seen this consistent change for the past two weeks and admitted this to me, why could she not act like a human being with a heart and keep me on the health insurance for a bit longer until mine kicks in? Seems like a very selfish and immature act on her part. I hear what she told me last night about her not knowing which mza8 she was seeing for the past couple of months and that made her wonder if she could trust me to pay her for the health insurance. I can see that but honestly, for me, there's the right thing to do here and in my opinion she's not doing it. Ok, enough. I've beaten the health insuracne issue to death.

I left her a voice mail this morning giving her the infornmation about the house I promised her last night. I also told her that if she wanted to look into the possibility of checking with her benefits dept. to see if she could add me back to her health insurance, that I would appreciate it. I didn't pressure her, just made a brief comment about it. That will be the end of that issue with me. If she does it, great, it not then that's ok too...don't really have a choice anyway.

By far, the most significant thing from the conversation last night was her telling me she saw a consistent mza8 for the past couple of weeks. That's sort of the other thing that bothers me a bit though. I was never a bad person with major issues...always good hearted, funny and caring. Like anyone else, I had/have some things I need to work on. However, I feel like I am being judged in a way...that my W gets to be the judge and determine if/when she will work on the M. I'm making huge efforts and I ask myself, what is she doing to improve herself? Why does she feel that she gets to now control this sitch? I think I know the answers to those questions already but it does bother me at times. I did thank her last night for noticing my consistent changes. I didn't tell her that I'm trying or anything like that because that would have sounded weak and needy. Just said a simply thank for for noticing.

Anyway, the goal I made with my DB coach was to build on the positive/friendly interaction with W for now and be observant of any signs from her that she notices my changes. I guess last night I got both. Need to remind myself sometimes that this is a good thing. Keep it going.

Gr8, good to hear some of the positive things happening for you too. I'll continue to keep up with your sitch. Good luck to both of us!