I'm looking for some good advice. I'm new here, so please pardon my misuse of acronyms.
Here's my story: I've been with my H for almost 3 years (I'm 28, he's 30, no kids, no plans) and we have never had what I consider a good sex life. It has been about once/month since we met. Even in the beginning it wasn't very frequent. Aside from frequency, I can probably count on one hand the times he initiated or seemed really into it. In the beginning, it really freaked me out. I would cry in secret, or try to do all sorts of things to get him interested (i.e. lingerie, candles, adult movies, etc). After a while, istarted discussing it with him, and every time he would say "I've just never been a sexual person" or "I'm really tired/stressed/overworked lately" or "it's just sex, why is it so important to you?" and "I'll try harder, things will get better, I promise."
And, of course, I'm feeling all those nasty, ugly, fat, boring, alone, rejected, angry, resentful feelings every time I fail to get his attention. We have had many discussions about it, from respectful, loving discussions to all-out screaming matches (mostly me screaming).
We are the best of friends, and it seems like everything else in the relationship is wonderful. He is cuddly and affectionate, complimentary, we share household tasks as well as financial responsibility with no "keeping score." We enjoy the same activities and have a lot of fun together. G-rated fun.
I have asked him if he pleasures himself very often and he says no. I believe him because he has no porn collection (wives always know...) nor has he had much of an interest in it online. And we have both suggested that maybe he should try to do it more, to get himself physically in more of a rhythm, so to speak, but I'm pretty sure he has never followed through. UNTIL recently, I have found he has been watching adult movies on our computer a lot more frequently in the last month or so. But in the last month, there has been no change in his actions toward me. It still seems like we are just cuddle buddies.
He doesn't know that I know what he's been looking at online. I don't want to bring it up and make him uncomfortable, I just noticed the activity in my web browser history.
I have read SSM and part of SSW and I'm in that first phase of "heal yourself, don't initiate, get a life, be patient" and I really feel positive about it. Losing my winter weight and re-exploring my outdoor hobbies.
Here's where I need advice: First, I know it's probably not a good idea to seek the information I found because it just drives me more crazy. I feel like one of these days I'll be upset and just blurt out "I know you have urges, I know what you do, but why not with me?" and I know this is a VERY BAD IDEA. I just can't help but look at the history bar when I get online. It's almost an obsession. I even try to find out what time of day, to get some kind of weird insight into his sexual self. How do I ignore this for my own sanity?
Second, is the increasing frequency of his solo activities a good sign that he's making an effort, or should I be concerned that he separates sex from me in his mind?
I'd also like some advice about how to get through this first phase patiently and successfully. I've tried this before, only to break down and give him the old "why don't you want me" talk after about a month or so, putting me right back at square one. This, I think, would be the most important advice, because I'm anxious, bored and antsy.
