help with a plan

[pigskin]

Gotcha-

I did completly break down one time early on in the sitch. She pulled me close and held me and said she loved me and would never do that to our family. Of course, after that, I was still a wounded and sad puppy dog. I was scared to death. I still am at times, more mad now than anything.

I know I did my share of pushing her away. It is her decision to throw our family away for her dreams of something perfect. I have changed. I still screw up, but I am a better person. I know it's time for the "I won't live in an open marriage........" talk and be the man she needs me to be. It just never seems the right time. Fear, I know. Embrace the suck, I can feel it coming and can feel myself getting stronger.

IDU

The right time to tell her you won't live in an open marriage is ASAP or she will likely ride this current state indefinitely and nothing will get better. Put yourself in her place. If you had two women fawning over you, you'd likely not be in a hurry to end that (assuming you ignored the obvious moral implications, as your wife is doing).

One of my biggest mistakes was waiting too long to deliver the "drop the EA or move out" talk. I thought after doing my 180s and attending Retrouvaille with my W that she would snap out of it. She did not, and being in daily contact with the OM at work made it impossible to bust the affair up. I just was unwilling to face the possibility of separation and the emotional, financial, and logistical pain associated with that. Well, guess what? It happened anyway.

The longer this state goes on, the bigger the risk of your W getting in a lot deeper in her affair, if she's not already there.

It's a tough step emotionally to take, but it's like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. If you cower on the beach, you will be systematically picked off eventually. Your only chance is to charge the machine guns. You are a dead man if you do nothing, guaranteed.

Your W still having sex with you is a deadly subterfuge. It can give you the illusion that things are improving. My W did the same thing, out of guilt and a feeling of obligation. The reason you are having sex and not ML is because your W is not emotionally involved with you. Her heart is elsewhere.

The delivery of the message is a tricky thing to do. You want to do it in a businesslike fashion, without anger, fear or sorrow. Your wife is likely to become upset, so expecting that may help you remain calm and collected.

All in all you have been a quick study of the veterans' advice and seem to be doing well with your DBing effort. I just don't want to see you dragged along like I was.