I did completly break down one time early on in the sitch. She pulled me close and held me and said she loved me and would never do that to our family. Of course, after that, I was still a wounded and sad puppy dog. I was scared to death. I still am at times, more mad now than anything.
I know I did my share of pushing her away. It is her decision to throw our family away for her dreams of something perfect. I have changed. I still screw up, but I am a better person. I know it's time for the "I won't live in an open marriage........" talk and be the man she needs me to be. It just never seems the right time. Fear, I know. Embrace the suck, I can feel it coming and can feel myself getting stronger.
IDU
The right time to tell her you won't live in an open marriage is ASAP or she will likely ride this current state indefinitely and nothing will get better. Put yourself in her place. If you had two women fawning over you, you'd likely not be in a hurry to end that (assuming you ignored the obvious moral implications, as your wife is doing).
One of my biggest mistakes was waiting too long to deliver the "drop the EA or move out" talk. I thought after doing my 180s and attending Retrouvaille with my W that she would snap out of it. She did not, and being in daily contact with the OM at work made it impossible to bust the affair up. I just was unwilling to face the possibility of separation and the emotional, financial, and logistical pain associated with that. Well, guess what? It happened anyway.
The longer this state goes on, the bigger the risk of your W getting in a lot deeper in her affair, if she's not already there.
It's a tough step emotionally to take, but it's like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. If you cower on the beach, you will be systematically picked off eventually. Your only chance is to charge the machine guns. You are a dead man if you do nothing, guaranteed.
Your W still having sex with you is a deadly subterfuge. It can give you the illusion that things are improving. My W did the same thing, out of guilt and a feeling of obligation. The reason you are having sex and not ML is because your W is not emotionally involved with you. Her heart is elsewhere.
The delivery of the message is a tricky thing to do. You want to do it in a businesslike fashion, without anger, fear or sorrow. Your wife is likely to become upset, so expecting that may help you remain calm and collected.
All in all you have been a quick study of the veterans' advice and seem to be doing well with your DBing effort. I just don't want to see you dragged along like I was.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I know the time is now. I have to rehearse what I will say and stick to the script as they say.
It seems like she knows when I am, what?, getting stronger or more determined. She will be nice and we will have some good days. Then I let my guard down. They never last, though. That's what I have to remember.
I am continuing to GAL. Last night, we watched Lost together like we always do. (That show better have a GREAT ending after watching and following it this long!!) She got up and said she was taking a shower and I told her I was going to a friends house. She asked why and I said he called and just asked me to come over. She said she didn't hear the phone ring. She was in the bathroom. She sat on the arm of the couch while we talked for a few minutes and I told her see ya later and left. Through the window on the door, I could see her just sitting there the same way I had done when she left me without a kiss or anything. Had a good time and got home @12:30.
BTW, today is my b'day. Rec'd several texts from friends and family wishing me happy b'day. Haven't heard from W. Didn't expect to.
Well Happy Birthday! Don't let W's behavior get you down today (or any day, for that matter). Expect nothing, like you say. In fact, expect her words and/or behavior to attempt to attack any good mood you ever have. Beat back the attack - be determined to have her fail every time...
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Well, the evening at home started out very well. When I got home from work and walked in the door, W and all kids were waiting and sang happy birthday. Very nice. She had grilled some brats and we sat down and ate. Then, with a smile, she went to the fridge and came back with a banana cream pie.(my favorite!) We all had some and sat around and talked. The kids got up to go play and we sat in the kitchen alone for a few minutes. I told her how good the meal was and thanks a lot for the pie. She said you're welcome.
She got up from the table and put some dishes in the sink and said, " So, I hear you're not coming to my Mom and Dad's for Easter." Huh? What are you talking about? "Mom said that when she they saw you at the dance that you told her you would not be there for Easter." I told her that I said no such thing. I really had no idea what she was talking about. She asked if I had a fishing tournament on Sun. I said no. Then she said I meant Sat. This is where her mind twists things around.
When talking to her parents and aunt and uncle at the dance, her uncle asked if I had been fishing yet. I said I had not but had a tournament on Sat that I was probably going to fish in. We then talked fishing for 20 min or so and that was it. My fishing partner and I had decided early on in the week not to fish because the chance of bad weather and it being Easter weekend which niether of us realized when we made the plans.
So, I never told her mom I wouldn't be there for Easter. W had not told me of her family's plans. My sister had called W with our plans of who's house and what time. I told her we were not fishing. She said it's nbd, you can fish we're just having easter egg hunt and eating, go fishing if you want. After telling me this about three times, I stood up and said, I can't be any clearer; I'm not going fishing Sat. If you don't want me at you're mom and dad's house, thats fine, but don't blame this on me. I never once told you're mom I wasn't coming for easter. You never told me what "our" plans were for this weekend."
She said, yes I want you to come, blah, blah, blah, and then my mom and dad came in with, a banana cream pie! Two in one night!
The night was shot. My folks left and we got the kids ready for bed and she fell asleep in the recliner. I put the kids in bed and watched TV until about 10:00 and took a shower. I came out and turned the TV off. She woke up and I told her I was going to bed. She came in a few minutes later.
This morning, I did get some bacon! We all ate and the kids were getting their easter eggs ready for school. W is room mom. As I was leaving, I told her thanks again and gave her a kiss.
It seems like she was trying. For a while, anyway. I know making the pie is no five minute job. It meant more to me than wild monkey sex, which wasn't included in the b'day plans.
Well, W finally aske about the Hooter's girl's phone#. Here's the short version of the convorsation that we has in our garage last night:
w: so, what's the deal with that Hooter's receipt?
m: what are you talking about?
w: the receipt with all the hearts all over it and the girl's phone# inside a big heart.
m: oh, that. when did you find that?
w: Sun. nite.
m: It's no big deal. When she brought our bill, I opened up the little folder thing that it was in and there it was. I'm sure she was just trying to get a big tip.
w: I waited tables before and never did anything like that.
m: Well, you never worked there before and wore anything like thay do. There was a table of bikers behind us and she braided their hair. It's no big deal. I never even noticed the receipt was missing.
Then I said I was going back in the house to watch TV. When she came in the living room, she had her pj's on, told me where the kids were going today, and went to bed.
So, the question is, what next? Can I use this as a springboard for something else or just let it sit and let her think about it? I'm not backing down from her now. I can feel something coming. Maybe it's just nerves, but I'm tired of the limbo. I want to save my marriage, but something has to give.
Well, W finally aske about the Hooter's girl's phone#. Here's the short version of the convorsation that we has in our garage last night:
w: so, what's the deal with that Hooter's receipt?
m: what are you talking about?
w: the receipt with all the hearts all over it and the girl's phone# inside a big heart.
m: oh, that. when did you find that?
w: Sun. nite.
m: It's no big deal. When she brought our bill, I opened up the little folder thing that it was in and there it was. I'm sure she was just trying to get a big tip.
w: I waited tables before and never did anything like that.
m: Well, you never worked there before and wore anything like thay do. There was a table of bikers behind us and she braided their hair. It's no big deal. I never even noticed the receipt was missing.
Then I said I was going back in the house to watch TV. When she came in the living room, she had her pj's on, told me where the kids were going today, and went to bed.
So, the question is, what next? Can I use this as a springboard for something else or just let it sit and let her think about it? I'm not backing down from her now. I can feel something coming. Maybe it's just nerves, but I'm tired of the limbo. I want to save my marriage, but something has to give.
Just my opinion, but I don't think you leveraged that receipt like you intended. You left it for her to find, then when she questioned you, you immediately told her information to allow her to blow it off. I guess my question is, what was the point of leaving it for her?
Maybe you should have just said something like, "Oh THAT. It was just some woman at the restaurant who thought I was cute, that's all."
Then let her mind run wild with it.
As for the "what now?", I'd say read my post from Mar31.
You're probably right Pigskin. Gucci and some others said to make it seem like nbd. The purpose is to make her wonder? Just trying something here that seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know what you wrote on the 31st is what I need to do.
