how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i wish i had better news to report...

my H brought the separation agreement over last night. the dinner that i made for us sat on the stove, uneaten. he had tears in his eyes before we even made it upstairs to my apartment.

he cried all night. he sobbed and sobbed in my arms and apologized to me over and over and said he couldn't get back to the emotional place where he felt like we could try to work things out. he said that in the past when he'd asked about counseling or had felt hopeful, it was because he missed "us" so much that he thought he could see it working out...but he knew - he BELIEVED - that we would not be together for the rest of our lives. i wiped away his tears. told him he was not a failure. told him i wanted him to have the best life possible. told him i wanted him to be happy. i held him while he cried. he said he was so lost, so empty, so broken...

my heart is shattered that he feels so much pain. it shattered again after he left and i read over the agreement. it uses terms like "...as if they had never entered into matrimony" and "...as if they were never married" and i cannot sign something that nulls the last 5 years of my life. i can't sign something given to me by someone in such a low emotional state, and i can't sign something that admits that i voluntarily enter into this, because it wasn't voluntary at all.

i told him that i saw things in him that i didn't think he saw within himself. and i apologized for anything that i'd done over the course of our marriage that may have prevented him from seeing those things. he said he hoped that one day i would be able to forgive him for hurting me so much. i told him i have an enormous capacity to forgive. and that i was even thankful for the time apart because i'd been able to grow so much and work on things about me that i didn't like.

he feels he has too much work to do on himself to commit to working on our M, and that he can't find the motivation to work on our M when he feels so "f*'d up".

he got a new dog. he's had her for a few weeks now. he said he got her to fill a void, but he feels worse now than before.

we went over the agreement together and afterwards i asked him if essentially, i could sign the papers, mail them to him, and never see him again. he said he can't see me anymore, that it's not fair to either of us and he doesn't think he can handle it. so. i have no idea if/when i'll see my H again. maybe i won't?

we sat on my couch and held each other and cried until he said he needed to go. he kissed me briefly and left in tears.

i fell apart when he left. i sobbed for hours and let myself hurt. i leaned in to the hurt and let it poke and stab me in ways i've never felt before. i feel utterly spent. i do not know where to go from here...