Each person brings something to the marriage, whether it be baggage from childhood, problems from another life, tools to teach the other...each one balances out the other's weaknesses from a point of strength.
So how do you get to that point of strength? Don't you get to it by working on yourself? How can you work on your marriage? if you have not worked on yourself? How do you stand for your marriage, when you can't stand on your own?
I see the success you are. AND you happen to be one that is reconciled with your spouse. I am also a success, I am divorced.. My children and I are doing very well.
I am a success b/c I fix myself every day.
If I wanted to stand, NOW would be the perfect time.. 4 years later... I have my footing.. I am detached... I love my EX again.. Not in love, but love him for being the father of my children.. Love him for the good times, and thank him and love him for the bad times. The thoughts of running him over with my car are few and far in between...
I am a different person, and now can see him differently. Is he someone I would want to be with now? No.. He is not ok... He is very hurt, he has issues way deep down that hav not been tackled.. Well I don't live with him so I can't say for sure. Let's just say that is what I see, and the children too..
When he first left me 4 years ago, I was dead inside... I came to the conclusion that I was dead inside while married too. I didn't see that until much later.. ALL I wanted to do was stand, for this marriage, and no one was going to tell me different.
BUT, when I came here I was lost, and in standing I thought that lost feeling was going to go away, b/c if my EX would just come back EVERYTHING was going to be ok.
I know now, 4 years later that is not true.
That is what i meant by my first post... The emphasis should not be on whether you are standing or not.. It should be on fixing yourself. When I was on this board in march of 06.. The people from the board/and getting my butt up and doing the work on me, is what helped me get through.. Not standing...
The peeps here, made sure that the peeps did something for themselves, everyday.
Our threads were filled with love, laughs, and shoe talk.....
I can remember back to Snodderly, giving me advice and it was always about me..... What I needed to do for me..... Not about how to get my EX back.... BUT in getting you back, some EX's come back......
We were invested in the hearts of each other....on this board When they joined a class, or started school, or when their kids passed a test, we celebrated all of it. Where were our spouses when these things were happening? They were doing their MLC things.. BUT we were more focused on ourselves. THEN focusing on the spouse, when need be was easier... It came from a different place from inside of us... We could see them with maybe a bit more compassion....
We saw them in maybe a more detached light.....AFTER, working on ourselves...
That is what i mean by standing or not standing should not even be brought up.. IMO.... Standing for yourself, is the winner..
All things fall into place... A reconciled better/new marriage... Or if a divorce is in your cards, then a divorce without bitterness, anger. A divorce where the children involved are not being sucked into drama... Where they are free to love both parents, AND (gulp) are free to love the OM or OW, if that is the case...
What I meant in my first post is that it doesn't matter if they come back or not, b/c YOU will be in a place that can handle either case scenario....
Posting here, prayers, therapy, whatever you need to do... Do it to get yourself back to loving you.. B/c if you don't love yourself, then I dont' think you can love anyone else....
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
