Into my arms... #70

[AliSuddenly]

And I want to make another separate, important point.. in that I do understand as a fellow piecer..

You KNEW he had an A, the extent of it and you had a choice and yet you DID take him back..so whats the point in continually beating him over the head with what he did back then? What his family, friends did? If you cant accept it, then yes, its over. If you dont want it to end, you need to let it go.

You explained here that you cant stand that someone knows more about H than you do, you want to know EVERYTHING so you can heal the gap in your R and your exclusive connection.. and I know exactly what you mean, I said the same thing to bf when we talked. He also, would not answer all my questions and NEVER volunteered new information (like you feel H should have voluntary told you about SIL and Christina).

Jody told me early on, I had lost the right to an exclusive connection with bf.

I came to learn that needing to fill in all the gaps and know all the details, to recreate our exclusive connection was NOT possible. It wasnt going to happen. I had to accept that we had 18 months apart, I didnt know where he lived, what he did, how he felt, why he started an R with Helen (he cannot explain), how happy he was in the beginning with her, how it felt to be inside her, what loving embraces they shared afterwards..I can never know. I wasnt there. And he wasnt going to describe it all to me.

It happened and he cant change that but its done and I had to make a choice, to either.. accept that and be thankful the universe sent him back to me, or give him up and move on to pastures new. I chose to accept it and let go of what I thought I needed. I understand that I had more help from bf in building an new R together in the present - he was very loving, but then I was "all over him" in the early days, really showed HIM alot of love Maria (excited, flirty, like a teenager in love, kissing him awake, initiating ML etc).

You could always let go of the fight and just..be happy and love him ???? If it is over, then of course you have my support...

[Kalni]

Hey Maria, how is your daughter now? Has H contacted you after your talk last night?? (nice that you bought him a gift btw! Shame you threw it at him, lol!!)

she is still sick. she was throwing up and H didnt even hear her this morning, he was so tired from last night...

I see others voice something I was thinking.. there seems to be a sense of self sabotage/confusion here and as a Piscean, its very hard to explain, but I know I have been guilty of seeming and acting 'in' (even to myself!) when in reality, part of me and my soul was 'out'. Its a subtle subconcious thing - Nope. That's not the case anymore. I am putting myself out there again. I am investing in this damn man, I am fighting against my instict, my hurt, my humilliation. I DO NOT accept I am sabotaging things, I may have taken the whole thing harder than some of you would, but this is a family broken in pieces and a 3 yr long affair we are talking about... I cant be any more gracious than I am

You keep saying its him, he is not doing enough/isnt proving he loves you, showing he loves you.. but you just sound.. ambivalent all the time, in two minds?? You rarely express how happy and grateful you feel after all your efforts, that you GOT WHAT YOU WANTED - your H back!
Got him back? Are you serious? No, that IS the problem. I havent gotten him back. We are still apart in all levels most of the time, how can I be happy about all the damage that has been done that I didnt know about?

..you dont seem to be able to let go of the past, the past hurt, the past humiliation, the past H.. you are framing that hurt and humiliaton as though it is the PRESENT and maybe thats what your H finds confusing?
It is something I have tried so hard to explain. It is MY NEED to put the past behind. NOT hide it. See? I didnt go looking for it yesterday and at the end of the day, I had info HE should have given me so that I WOULDNT feel humiliated again...

Of course SIL may have spoken to Christina, he is her brother and families stick together right? He had left you and the R and had started an R with her, so its not that surprising she would have some contact with her. Yes its hurtful and disloyal to you, but it doesnt make her immoral. Its also not surprising he didnt tell you - he doesnt see the point in "adding insult to injury" and I dont blame him and probably would do the same in his shoes. You are back together, in his mind, so what if his sister spoke to her back then? Maybe she was curious? Nosey? Just wanted to maintain an R with her brother?
You are kidding right? I dont care why she did it and how. I do care that I see all this as sick and disgusting. I do feel humiliated she came to my house on Thursday, knowing now she THOUGHT she was fooling me...

So H didnt tell you, but from what I see...he just wants to let it go Maria. Easier said than done hey? Fine, lets talk then and let it go

So perhaps you should call it a day, OR, go back for MC/IC to sort your issues out safely. I also think, he is telling you why he cant ML, because he is wounded and embarressed and your R feels tarnished.. NOT becuase he rejects you or doesnt fancy you. Maybe (if you two are still together today!!) really work on bridging the gap between you.. loving hugs... affection, closeness, touches, compassion and kindness toward one another, rather than focus on actual sex?? Or.. maybe you are done.. F@ck him. At this point I wouldnt make love to him either. He is not honest with me, enough...

Sounds like HE needs reassurance..he is telling you that and so did that letter he wrote you..that his self esteem is in tatters. Its probably why he grasps onto his job/career like a drowning man. He can always go back to her for reassurance. He is free to go

You said to him you wish you could both talk and be heard.. sounds like you are both so hurt and wounded and need something from the other person, that you are not able to hear what the other is actually saying! Alison, I am tender, loving, upbeat, include him in my plans and life in general, told him I wish we could try to make love, I have been honest, understanding, I dont BLAME (much-like last night my words probaly were accusatory but how else can I say, I wish you would have told me and not sound like accusing him of lying again?), I try to make him feel welcome, buy him presents, caress him, listen to his work issues etc etc. He doesnt say what he wants. I have stated what I need. I am working on myself. He stil hasent found the time to read the LL book which he promised to me he would. How about that on commitement on our M?

Thanks, I dont agree with you much. And btw, last night and today, he hasnt said anything, hasnt called and I dont think he will. It's his favorite way of dealing with things...

[Kalni]

Al, there is no comparison of the situations. You get upset over a pic of a woman he was openly dating AFTER you two broke up. He has told you she was nothing, he has been loving and caring and all over you as well ( I've seen that with my own eyes), he PROPOSED to you for God's sake!!!

In my case, H has just been ... here and expects me to create the loving feelings to him. Which I do/did some, but getting verrry tired everytime a new little mine explodes under my feet...

Maybe I just dont love H as much as you love your BF...

[AliSuddenly]

Yes, he is licking his wounds hey and 'afraid' to pursue you today.

Yeah but he is not forthcoming either. I asked bf to read PM.. he said, yes! sure! He never did. I asked bf to tell me when he had contact with Helen, he said he would. I found out this week he has SEEN her at work several times but omitted to mention it. He said he had told me. I said, no way, I didnt know. He said it was no big deal so he didnt think it was important. He said he doesnt remember me asking him to tell me about contact! WTF !?? I found out yesterday they shared a weekend with BMF and W, he told me before they never weekended with friends...He also lied to me Maria, blatantly about the contact with her BEFORE he left me. Even you and people here see it as a new R, but he was sneaking out of the house to phone her July/Aug 2007, 4 months before he left me. It was only his massive depression and her longterm bf that stopped them getting together sooner. I know that now and I've even let that go !!

I guess the difference between our sitches then is that when these things crop up and bf explains himself.. I accept he wants to just move on and I dont see it as another nail in his coffin. Maybe yes, because our R is basically sound and loving, you are right. Its not about the past, I see your problem is about your PRESENT R, or lack of!.. as I think Michelle/Kat pointed out? And a 3 year affair is ALOT to get past...
xx
PS: But I thought H did tell you also, she was nothing?? That he didnt love her, only the situation??

[awest1217]

K - I completely understand where you are coming from and think you are very strong to go and keep trying. At some point, H does need to start carrying his side of the relationship. He did choose to come back so he needs to step up and give you some of what you want as well. I know you are working on yourself and trying to show H love, but now that he chose to come home, he needs to help create this new R.

Hugs!

[kat727]

There is a thread over in surviving where even though she is divorced, she is wrapped up in her ex and what he did TO her that she can't move forward. All that she has lost.

I tell you this with love... you will NOT be getting all the answers you want. Your H may not even know how many people knew of the A. Quit looking at every single thing as a reason to throw in the towel. If you are done, be done. If you want this marriage to start a new then start it from NOW. Put the cr@p aside. Let your barbed wire covered walls crumble.

kat

[june72]

It does take 2 to make a marriage work. It almost like Kalni's feelings and thought are invalid and wrong to her hubby.

Maybe I am getting it all wrong.

Kalni,
I think the way you feel is valid and 100% justified, IMO.


I think he is incapable of doing his part to get this marriage on track... I mean he doesn't even really acknowledge issues.

I feel like mean b@tch for saying that. I am so sorry.


You deserve better then this continued turmoil.

[june72]

Sorry about the recent development.

[kat727]

Sure you have every right to be hurt, humiliated, sad, angry. All of it. Living on the brink of emotion though isn't doing you any good.

I don't know what your H is thinking. However how could he not be feeling some of the same emotions? He screwed up, you want him back, but boy is he going to remember every single detail of his torrid affair because that is the only way it will be right...for you.

I don't think he can do that. I have a very good memory but I can't remember everything that happened over 3 years in detail let alone what happened every minute yesterday.

When ex had his first affair I was so humiliated to know that his roommates girlfriend knew. This was someone I hated. How could she know of this shame? I know, now more than ever, it wasn't my shame it was my husbands. Over the years and maybe even more than the second affair, I imagine that shame and guilt wore away at him. Who would want to face that day in and day out, knowing that you were hurting someone you loved so much?

I am playing the fence today. Maybe feeling giddy in my own life is allowing me to ask my friends to move forward because really it is so much better than staying put.

(((((k))))).

kat

[awest1217]

I do agree that some of the stuff needs to be let go. Why look for problems where there aren't any? Why wake up a sleeping giant? If you do have to ask something, make sure it is something about your relationship and not the past as I said before. However this time, the questions came up because someone else brought up the situation. I understand the need to ask H about S and BiL knowing OW because this is brand new information. The part where I think H dropped the ball is trying to cover up OW and S meeting. Maybe K could have asked nicer and she has said she needs to work on that part, but H should be forth coming with the information and if he doesn't remember when just saying yes they did meet right away instead of drawing it out I think would have made things a lot easier. Now that is just me talking.

K I think you are doing great! We all come up to circumstances where we could have handled it differently, but the best is to learn from the mistakes and move forward. Next time you may not start out by saying "i am tired of the lies", but you are very strong to continue working on this marriage and it shows that your heart is truly in it.