I keep thinking about this one... this sounds like the beginning of an EA... so tread lightly... But telling her co-workers and such would likely get up to her employer anyhow...
Most companies I have worked for have a "silent warning" policy where you are taken aside in private and told to stop outright...
THAT may be enough to wake your spouse up... also, you could just start going WITH your wife to these meetings with OM. If the meetings ARE still casual maybe just interrupting the privacy would be enough...
If your WIFE gets defensive and protects her privacy.. you do have something to worry about... In that case I would speak with the OM even and ask him to stop seeing your wife privately...
Honestly, GROWN ADULTS should know better than to sneak around with another man's wife in private... its just RUDE.. even if there is no sex going on... its INSULTING
I found a good article I read over a year ago on Phil McGraw .. it still holds its weight :
------------------------------------------- Are you the "other woman?" If you're involved with a married man, and you're waiting for your turn, it's time to re-evaluate your situation. Dr. Phil offers advice:
.......................... It's time to move forward. .......................... If you're putting your life on hold for a married man, he's stolen not only your heart — he's stolen your brain!
.......................... No matter how you justify it, you are attacking his family unit. .......................... Even if he is separated from his wife, that is their business and you are a threat to their marriage. You aren't welcome and you don't belong.
.......................... You may feel that he's your soul mate, but think again. .......................... A real soul mate would not set you on the sidelines. He wouldn't allow it, let alone entice it.
.......................... Keep in mind that you only know what he tells you. .......................... You already know that he's a liar because he's living a lie with his wife and children. How can you be sure whether you're the only "other woman" he has? Entertain the possibility that he is lying to you, and you are being used.
.......................... Think of his wife. .......................... Is it fair to her? She's been married to him for however many years, cleaned up after him when he's sick, raised children with him, sacrificed with him, dealt with the "damn dailies," then you come in at the 11th hour and provide a contrast to that that's new and exciting and fun. You are intruding upon her turf. You are a trespasser. It is no different than being a thief in the night. It is no different than breaking into their house and stealing their things.
.......................... Even if your married man decided to leave his wife and family for you, that doesn't guarantee success. .......................... Relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. If he's living this deception with you today, how could you ever trust him if you did get into a legitimate relationship with him?
.......................... Break off this relationship today. .......................... You'll hurt, you'll feel broken-hearted, but you'll be better off. Take some time to get really clear with yourself about who you are and what you want. The most important relationship you'll ever have in this world is the one you have with yourself. And eventually, you'll fall in love again — with someone who's willing to make you first in his life.
This is a good one as well : --------------------------------------------------------------- Advice for Cheaters and their Partners
If you have repeatedly cheated, or are the partner of a cheater and can't seem to forgive or break off the unhealthy relationship, Dr. Phil has advice.
Look at the statistics. The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?
Think of the children. If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.
Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it?
If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"
Be honest with yourself. Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help.
Be honest with your partner. By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help.
Accept responsibility. Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time.
Assess your commitment level. Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it.
Behave your way to success. Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!
Turn toward your partner. When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs.
Re-engineer your life. If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.
--------------------------------------------------------------- If You Are Being Cheated On:
Get real. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You've given your power away and you've got to get it back.
This is not your fault. Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.
What is your payoff? Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?"
Assess your commitment level. You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.
Consider the consequences. If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation.
Decide if you can choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that?
If you can't forgive, let go. When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.
This is a vid of Dr Phil's opinion on separation and infidelity... its a VERY short video of a segment he ran on an Affair Intervention last October.. two day run to turn this woman around... it took him TWO FULL SHOWS...
I uploaded to a youtube account so it SHOULD be quite stable
A question... what do you do when you know the PA has physically ended and will most definately remain that way (due to massive physical separation between the affair couple) but it's hard to say if the emotional side of the affair has ended or is sufficiently 'dead' since there are signs my spouse still harbours strong feelings for the other person, or at least is still very much in love with the idea of being 'in love'? My WAH and I have been seperated 2.5 months since bombshell (ILYBNILWY and says there is no hope, it's over), but wants to remain best friends and wants to have some kind of relationship when our baby is born in 2 months time.
Thanks for any advice on a good way of expressing the following without saying I am happy to be seperated and eventually divorced: "While you remain unclear to me if you are building a life with someone else - EA or PA - it's difficult to me to accept the idea of trying to remain friends for the sake of co-parenting which is what you want. I think friendship is built on trust & you are not being transparent with me today about the OW".
Would appreciate any advice....
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Hi Allen and everyone, I thought this was a really good thread. I didn't start a new one as you suggested above Allen cos I've only just came across your post - but would be very grateful if you stopped by my thread here in Infidelity.
But, back to the Ghandi Approach and the purpose of this thread...
It seems to me that ALL the great advice given by yourself and Puppy is about fighting infidelity in the home.
But how do you 'fight' infidelity when your spouse has fessed up and told you the truth before you even guessed an A was happening, moved out of the family home immediately, is telling you and everyone else that you are separated (which, in their opinion, gives them full license to do what they want and explore/build the other relationship), and that D is the next inevitable step. What marriage-saving techniques - Bo Peep or Ghandi- can work in this sitch?
I imagine cutting off/dividing up family finances are about ALL you can do ? That is - stop funding the affair?. Which'd be More Ghandi than Bo Peep...
AND throw in this complication: in some sitch's you can't go DARK or anything because their are babies (unborn in my case) or children involved so some contact is required.
So... Bo-Peep or Ghandi, as applied to the above?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Hi Allen and everyone, I thought this was a really good thread. I didn't start a new one as you suggested above Allen cos I've only just came across your post - but would be very grateful if you stopped by my thread here in Infidelity.
But, back to the Ghandi Approach and the purpose of this thread...
It seems to me that ALL the great advice given by yourself and Puppy is about fighting infidelity in the home.
But how do you 'fight' infidelity when your spouse has fessed up and told you the truth before you even guessed an A was happening, moved out of the family home immediately, is telling you and everyone else that you are separated (which, in their opinion, gives them full license to do what they want and explore/build the other relationship), and that D is the next inevitable step. What marriage-saving techniques - Bo Peep or Ghandi- can work in this sitch?
I imagine cutting off/dividing up family finances are about ALL you can do ? That is - stop funding the affair?. Which'd be More Ghandi than Bo Peep...
AND throw in this complication: in some sitch's you can't go DARK or anything because their are babies (unborn in my case) or children involved so some contact is required.
So... Bo-Peep or Ghandi, as applied to the above?
I will say more, but heavy exposure to everyone. Tell everyone you want to save your marriage but that your partner is cheating on you, and was when you were in the same home.
Basically shame the affair out of your partner's life.
If you have to go to the OP's workplace and humiliate them there too, you do it.
But how do you 'fight' infidelity when your spouse has fessed up and told you the truth before you even guessed an A was happening, moved out of the family home immediately, is telling you and everyone else that you are separated (which, in their opinion, gives them full license to do what they want and explore/build the other relationship), and that D is the next inevitable step.
You let the cheating spouse know, and others as well (exposure), that since you are STILL MARRIED, you consider this ADULTERY, and you have NOT given him "full license" to cheat, and that if he chooses to do that, he's a grown man and you can't control him, but you have decided to protect yourself and move on.
And then you protect yourself and move on.
If possible, I would, with my exposure, include evidence that your husband's affair started BEFORE he was separated from you.
Basically, he's trying to "normalize" and "justify" his behavior. You need to maintain your own boundaries that this is NOT normal or acceptable, and widen the circle of who knows, as Allen has suggested.
"Normalization" refers to the process a wayward spouse will go thru in order to get their circle of family and friends to accept their affair partner. It is VERY important to them that everyone do so, and it's typically part of their fantasy that "everyone will be okay," and "will all get along."
Rarely does a wayward spouse envision any push-back, or at least they vastly underestimate it.
It's also VERY much typical "script" for a cheating spouse to deny the existence of an affair partner, until some time later, AFTER the marriage is either divorced or formally separated. Then, "all of a sudden," the wayward spouse will announce to their family that "I've just met someone."
