How do I act?

[Surviving03]

ok... so I have not yet turned over the emails... But H is back in the house now, which sucks. Today was the day of the cruise so Im pretty bitter about that. Last night on IM, H started putting me on a guilt trip, talking to me like if only I could have done things better we wouldnt be in this mess and wouldnt be getting D... and then turned around and was real apologetic and like I know it wasnt all your fault that we had problems, and I do love you i really do, I wish we could have made this M work..etc... so Im feeling all guilty... THEN tacks on the end of that convo..."im gonna be really pissed if you try to get my in trouble with those emails"...SOOOO... he was playing me the whole time during that convo, trying to say nice things to butter me up. Then later that night says to me "not that you care but Im not going to Vegas anymore anyways, I cant work around other peoples plans"... Ok, thats prob all part of his plan to not give me a reason to turn over those emails. I do have a sneaking suspiscion though that OW has kinda stopped talking to him... not 100% sure though.

So now H is back in the house and started making sex jokes to me again... WHO IS THIS CRAZY PERSON??! I feel so used and disrespected... I can honestly say I had the BEST H before this all happened, he was amazing and loving and kind... but THIS guy... oh lord, its disgusting sometimes. Maybe its his true colors??

I dont know guys...Im so detached now its not even funny. I do have moments where I miss the memory of the good times...but then he does or says something and it all goes away. I was a few weeks away from starting a family with this man, who I love more than anything... and suddenly I am like scum that he can treat however he wants?