part II here we go again

[Jstar]

on wed morning it will be 5 days since h and i have spoke or he's seen the kids.

his bday is sunday

he knows where i chose to take the kids for easter

going to get easter pictures of both kidos

set personal goal of eating better

3 fruits and vegetables a day

took kids to walmart to get needed stuff, lil baby boy was crying for good 20 mins in walmart, i get so nervous about taking him out and crying.

had to talk to myself to try to relax when out with kids, it is VERY challenging with d2.5 and son 5 weeks

i only thought 1 time how much easier it would be if h was there to push the cart while i carry baby boy with his eyes on d2.5. major adjustments on d and my part while out

haven't decided whether to initiate contact with h??
(his last words were he didn't want to see or talk to me because he's so mad at me,so i'm going from that convo) but should probably just not believe what he's said, but then again he has not come over, he can't telephone, mine is broken, i won't get another one.


*since h did fraud with my credit card paying for phone service, phone company is investigating him for it. one of the things he refers to me as his wife justifying use of my credit card.

how can i commit fraud if my w is on the account, has a phone line, i just used her credit card. well he used my credit card without permission and hid it from me for a few months.

i feel better with no contact. when we are talking somewhat and he's coming over to visit the days he doesn't or does not include us in plans, but does other people, i get very upset and watch the clock.

at this time for past few days i don't watch the clock like waiting for him to come over, wondering if he's off work how long till he drives up, the anticipation and pining is gone when i have gone dark.

i feel more at peace and not building resentment for him. sounds weird but if we are seeing one another and he's visiting i HATE that he can sleep when he wants, comes and goes, does whatever he chooses with no responsibilities. when we are not speaking maybe i see it as challenge of how long i can go without contacting him, or more of a sense that i have just written him off.

probably has to do with what i expect, he does not have the ability to do it.

expectations or wants:

1.if he's not working he is home with kids being aparent.
2,gets up in middle of night to share responsibility of caring for baby
since son has been born he has not shared any genuine responsibility for son......