I later found out he stayed out in the garage to talk to OW. Nice.
Ouch. You are spot on. I don't need the awkwardness.
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I'm giving like that.
You *are* a giver!
You are right. I'm knocking off with the packing/moving for tonight. Hopefully Rob will pop in and give me some advice on how best to present "The Plan" to the W. On the bright side, if the W and I ever reconcile, she isn't bringing all that stuff back in this house. This will give her a chance to clean up her belongings. And if we don't reconcile, she won't bring back any of it.
MF, From reading your sitch, I already got you were from near the home of deep dish pizza and the best hot dogs on the planet (Chi-dog with everything and chili cheese fries is my hangover cure. Taught to me from a South side native. I think he called it the "ultimate cleanout")
Yes, I am employed by the U. And yes, no one has any money.
I took Pearls advice and got my behind out of the house for my bd. I had a great time. I had buffalo wings (my fave). Then I saw a live band at a bar I like to go to. And finally I went to another bar near my house that always has eclectic movies on. Tonight they had a 70's Kung Fu movie I have never seen before (love KF and samurai movies). Very cool. Not a lot of people out on a Tuesday, but I had a memorable time. Beats a usual boring bd dinner out with the W and then straight home. No chicks bought me a drink though. Sorry Pearl. Maybe next time. The W said she was doing laundry and besides I don't need the awkwardness. She should be kissing my butt for the perfectionist job I did on packing her stuff. BTW, still waiting on Rob to be my "Cyrano de Bergerac" on how to word the, " Hey. I packed your chit. Come get it."
Had a nice text exchange with my favorite SIL. She is my W's youngest sister and the closest SIL to me. I gave her a job for her entire undergraduate career, so we spent a lot of time together. This whole thing is very hard on her, but I tried to settle her about the whole ordeal. This will go very hard on her, as she is very sensitive.
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I'm up there next week attempting to sell something to people I think have no money!
Well, we should get together. Just don't try and sell me anything, as I have no money either!
The Plan (updated) Step 1. Clean garage. Setup space to receive boxes. - Complete Step 2. Locate packing supplies (boxes, tape, etc) - Complete Step 3. Pack and move belongings to garage - 95% Step 4. Inform Rob I am ready - Current Step 5. Inform the WAS - Before next Sunday
OK, think STATE LINE on an interstate w/a 90 in it! NOT THE CITY! About an hour closer to the U!
Actually, I was CORRECTED this am by their Associate Director, there IS CASH, in fact a LOT has been gifted to build a nice, new facility. Think regenerative bio. The U and their stem cells sure put the Midwest on the map!
We'll talk... once I get the appointment confirmed! Yea!
WTG on the getting out on the b-day!!!
I'm sure Rob will be around once he hears how the plan is... coming together! If we don't hear from him, I'll tweak him. He's a busy man, w/a plan, too! But, always willing to help!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
1. Don't give her reassurance as in "I've changed. I won’t be controlling, I won't do this/that, etc." The very effort of saying these things gives her reassurance that you haven't changed. 2. Don't tell her that you love her 3. Let go of wishful thinking, if you need to pray to God to make yourself feel better, go ahead but he isn't making a personal house call just for you, he'll let you figure this out on your own. Instead of assuming how she feels and trying to guess what's in her head, stop, just observe reality, that will be your guide, reality doesn't lie, it is what it is, don't fight it, just accept it. 4. No more arguing, reasoning, trying to talk her into feeling different. Just agree with her feelings and her decision to leave (that's where the packing came in) 5. Don't recruit others (family/friends) to side with you and make her feel guilty, never works, usually achieves the opposite. 6. Don't act depressed - you sound like you have this one figured out already, appear happy, awesome, excellent. Acting depressed, angry, sad would actually increase her motivation to get away from you. You actually have to be happy that she is going, I know it sounds weird but that's the mindset you have to have. 7. Don't use kids to guilt her, this is the same as #5 above, you guys don't have kids but others reading this thread will benefit from some of this info so I included it anyway. 8. Don't blame her for leaving or pressure her to say with you, those are negatively charged actions, they achieve the opposite of what you're trying to achieve. 9. Don't be pessimistic, be OPTIMISTIC about your life, life is great, life is precious, life is short, don't waste it, just be awesome. Read #6, it's related and worth a repeat. Just remember you can become addicted to your own pessimism, in a weird sadistic way you can be addicted to self-pity. We can get addicted to negative feelings and thoughts like this, "I can't win in this situation, you don't know my spouse, they're very stubborn and will never change their mind, nothing I've tried works and I've tried everything."... when I read this on these forums I feel like asking "Monsieur would you like some cheese to go with your WHINE!" 10. Stop exaggerating the importance of what's happening here, human beings tend to exaggerate everything, it's human nature, we want to inflate the value of any given topic, good or bad. ex. "This situation is horrible, I don't know how I'm going to live without my spouse, I feel like I'm dying!"
So we've covered the basics of what you won't be doing from now on. Like I said before you seem to have a good handle on this thus far, you have a good positive attitude and you need to maintain that.
What you will do when you're ready, you have to pick the date, friday as in after tomorrow, sometime next week, it's up to you, you have to feel right doing this.
Give her a call, no text or email, let her hear your voice on this.
"Hey <insert spouse's name here>, How are you going? That's good to hear. I have something to say and get off my chest, I originally preferred that we work out our difference and get this marriage on track again but the more I think about it the more I see that you're 100% right, it's impossible, totally impossible, it will never work out between us so to that end, I've saved you some trouble and packed your things in boxes and put them in the garage for you. Maybe you could borrow a truck from a friend or rent a moving van and I will load them up for you. Also if you haven't found an apartment yet, give me a shout when you get a chance and if you want a friend to help you look for an apartment, I wouldn't mind helping. I want you to be happy with your new life and I want to be happy in my new life too."
She will be surprised that you packed her things, regardless if she gives you the impression that she isn't.
She will ask why you did this? You accepted the reality of the situation and there was no use in beating a dead horse, if things are done they're done and it's time for both of you to move on with your lives and to show that there are no hard feelings, you wanted to help her with moving on with her life by taking care of the effort of packing her things and boxing them up for her.
You're cleaning up the place, making it new again and packing her things was an opportunity to get started on painting, rearranging, reorganizing, you know, stuff like that.
You are upbeat and cheerful the whole time. Even if she gets angry, you remain happy. Even if she busts a nut and starts mentioning lawyers and legal crap, you just remain upbeat and positive and just tell her that this kind of talking isn't really productive and should be handled by the pro's, you just want to focus on being happy and you want her to be happy in her new life too.
Look if you were fired from your job, would you bother your boss for several months to 2 years begging for him to take you back? Begging, pleading, buying gifts, dinners, offering footrubs, backrubs, and doing work for free til he took you back. Hell No! don't be silly, So you don't need to do this with your wife either, you agree with her decision and move on as well. She will have nothing to fight with you about, nothing to disagree with, you've gone along 100% with her decision and agree that it's the right thing to do.
