Just trying to give a little bit of guidance over the rough patches i have already been through. Still on my journey which will be a long, hard road I'm afraid.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks, you two. I think it's just hit me that it's going to be the loneliest easter I have ever spent. Normally H and I would be on a road trip or camping in the countryside. Not holding it together very well. Thankfully have a coaching session on Friday morning to keep me on track.
I'm not sure about you, BD, but the combo pregnancy hormones + fatigue really can make me very teary.
I'm also worried about pressure I am getting from friends n family to divide up the money BEFORE the birth. Everyone says those first few months of childrearing (less than 2 months away..) are so intense and I will have even LESS headspace than I do now for things as important as this.
But today I just don't feel capable of having this conversation with him, let alone any conversation. It's too heavy, and I am in protection phase. Ending our joint finances is a brutal sign that our M really is about to be over.. I have to tell you guys, it scares the wits out of me.
I could get a L to do it for me, but it seems so harsh. A mediator - such as a trusted family member - might be better at negotiating on my behalf. I just know that right now, I would fall to pieces if I had to do it myself directly with H.
I know that if I don't take this step, I am enabling H's bad choices, the destruction of our family through his cutting and running and his affair. I also have to think about protecting my half of the money for me and the baby. As it is, this separation combined with H's recent unemployment is really hurting us financially.
I know who is in the wrong.
How do I find the strength to take this next step & should I follow the advice and the schedule suggested by family and friends?
I wish I had the words to give you stregnth to get to the next step. when things get too hard for me i simply back off and give myself a day or so to pick myself up.
it is hard because some steps may not be in the direction you feel is positive, but in some sense it it. it is to protect you and the baby.
i wish i could fix things for everyone on this darn site! its not fair anyone has to go through this
Hey Piano, now that I'm posting on this, I'll check this thread better. . . I'm still figuring out how to make navigating this site easy.
I don't have much advice on the money/dividing assets sitch.
But here's what I did: when I was angry (I had just heard that he made out with a coworker-- I was still living with his sister), I went to the bank straight away and split 50/50. I told him to get his own credit card, which he did willingly. Then I checked the balance of the cc we shared and I emailed him that he owed me. See, for me, I was definitely protecting my money. He was spending soooooo much on restaurants and new clothes and stuff. And I had to save what I had. So it was really easy for me to split the joint account. Plus, as someone one this site somewhere has said, many married couples have separate accounts, so it didn't seem too serious to me.
Later, when he wanted to borrow money from me, I quickly froze all of our joint investments. That was also a protective move.
Last, I just wrote (as I put in my thread) a settlement agreement. That I want him to sign on Sunday, coincidentally. But it lays out a child support agreement, that all of our joint investments will stay frozen, that we will both pay for our own living expenses, and some other details. I would share it with you if you wanted to copy my style. . . I spent quite a few hours writing it up, and then I sent it to a lawyer to look over. I don't know how to share it, though, on this site, so it may not work.
But for me, I feel relief knowing that finances are set up. I don't think it makes us closer to a divorce. But it does make this whole thing more of a reality for him. I have a feeling when he sees my settlement agreement, he will start freaking out-- he no longer has the cush joint account with my scant spending habits! And I have the security of knowing that I've protected as much as I could.
So, I hesitate to give advice, because I don't consider myself an expert and I think everyone's situations are different, but I did want to let you know how it went with me.
Hope all is well. .
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
Hi G, As you saw over in newcomers, this week has been pretty wild. I shared what happened with the mistake email with my DB coach who thought it was expertly handled also!
Thanks for sharing your finances discussion. Good you took control because your H was not being frugal. Mine is.
And, guess what? I was out today brunching with a girlfriend, and guess who walked into the cafe??
Yes, WAH!
I decided to be the first to say hello, and asked if he wanted to have the finances conversation face to face. He said, yeah ok.
To sum up that 15min conversation, WAH agreed it was good for me to open up my own bank account, he assured me that he was being frugal with money at his end (true), and I validated his attempts to get work & sympathised with how hard it must be. He agreed that our joint accounts should only be drawn on if it's for baby's needs.
Now, was it a good idea to have that conversation face to face, rather than in the more controlled environment of email?
Well, it was a good test, I suppose. I was less ice-queen than I would have been 5 weeks ago when I last saw him. I set the terms, and was the one to wrap it up which I am happy about. But I think I came across not completely friendly.
My evaluation is, that I put forward on email a better "me" than I can achieve face to face (at this stage).
What also stuck me was how much I hate what he is doing and I am saddened and confused by his lack of remorse. It made me not like him very much, and makes me feel like I still NEED him... which is bad.
This really sucks...
It's a moments like these when I realise I really haven't fully integrated everything that is happening to my life and my M, that I am ONLY JUST managing to GAL but not more.
