I think our marriage is on the mend.

[june72]

OTMT,
Thanks for your really insightful feedback. You make some great points!

Yes, I definitely have to let past events not hover in the background. I mean I forgive everything and hopefully he forgives all my "junk". But past events do get me fearful of history repeating itself.


I do think he is sincere. I believe him. If I look at all possible scenarios that could play out- being married to him and working towards happiness would be the most ideal situation.

I have to just live it. Go through every day and every day that is like it is now, becomes more and more the norm. So I have to wait. I have to let time show how sincere he is really.


And I have to realize that I could definitely get hurt again. I mean I was pretty devastated. I thought he was going to stand by my side no matter what. I mean I thought this man really, really, really loved. Now I will never have that belief again.

I mean at one time he really worshiped me. He was so absolutely crazy to be with me. But for years he was disappointed and unhappy with me. That hurt so much. I felt like I tried and tried to get us to a better place. But I really did not have the tools or knowledge or insight. My attempts were just endless nagging and conversations that upset him.

It got to the point where I then began to hate him and get sick of him. I felt if only he cared, if only he would show some love for me.


Incredibly weird chain of events- I was basically the WAW (my secret goal for years- be able to get money and stability for a D), but his learning this and actually willing to finally go to MC gave me hope. But then things really went south with the MC. Then he now states that he felt very hopeless and just wanted the upset to end. So he stated it was over, he was done. I could state the million and one hurtful things that he said for those 14 months. Whats the point. He honestly does not remember some of what he said. I wrote in a journal and if he saw the things he said I think he would be shocked.

I was really, really friggin devastated b/c you know what. My concerns over the past years where true in a way. He didn't love me like he used to.

I got over it quick. I was not going to let this ruin my world. I would take my stance. Focus more on myself and the kids and stand firm. Of course I had a million backslides. And a million tears that went with it that he did not see.

I thought of him like a whinny child. Whatever he said I tried my hardest to roll with the punches. I mean I know I caused him a lot of upset with my separation and D talk. He lost weight, he wasn't sleeping or eating enough. He was having panic attacks. It was like I didn't care anymore though. I had had enough.

It was b/c I knew that I had put him through that turmoil and saw his reaction that there was still something left between us. I felt bad that he was so hurt by it all.

SO I figured this was his 180 of sorts. He felt so unsure about our marriage status for so long that he took a preemptive strike and ended it.

He really, really truly thought it was over. I really, really truly thought he is incredibly stubborn and I probably was not going to get him back. But all I could do was try. I did not hope, I did not wish or what if thinking. I lived in the reality of it and acknowledged worst case scenarios. ie. the big D.

It wasn't a battle. It just was a way of live. I saw signs, then setbacks. Then hope then disappointment. He saw a different me. One that had changed to make myself happy but also to try and be more considerate of him. A wife that wanted to fill "his needs". So I guess I plan A'ed him.

And just when I finally had enough and was ready to be done. I mean really, really no more of the "how much he hated me crap". He caved. Caved big time.

I was not expecting it and it really was a big game changer for me. I mean my mind was focused on our future D. I was at peace with it and at peace with my self and my attempt to repair our marriage.

So honestly, reconciliation was not even in my mind at that point. I felt that if 14 months of my strong stance on "us" and dedication to working on the marraige and my 180's were not enough for him.

Fine. I'm done. and I was, I really, really was. And I let him know. I think it shocked him.



He states and I know that this marriage was recovered but only one person - me. I put in the hard work and took the chance and did not reap any benefits for a very long time. 14 months....

I am glad I did it. I have no regrets. I have insecurities now.

I had a solid game plan. I knew what I was doing the whole time. It did not feel like limbo b/c I felt like I was still in control. I was taking action.

Reconciliation- I feel lost. I have no game plan. I was detached and not I have to allow myself to be vulnerable to him again. Doing so hurts though. If that makes sense. This is harder. I really need to read some books on marraige repair.

I don't just want to go back to acting like a happy couple and forget these past 14 months. I want for us BOTH to grown and learn from this. I want us to have a higher level of understanding our relationship dynamics.

And dam it- A piece of me wants him to really, really get how much he hurt me. He hurt me, he truly, truly broke my heart.

How does one really feel "safe" after that? I guess I just know that he if "breaks" my heart again. I will survive. It will not destroy my life, just change it's path. I just have to keep telling myself that.


Anyhow, I can't seem to post about myself with out endlessly rambling. Bad fault of mine.