I would tell her to put it in the trash together and then put it out on the street. And then I would have a talk about any and everything from then. And toss it all. Spring cleansing. And if she does not understand I would explain it in detail.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
No worries Serenity. It is nice to hear from you. And good to hear you are doing well.
By the way, my W did appologize when she got home last night. She said she thought about it and could understand why I was upset. She questioned me about what my 'triggers' were in order for her to avoid them in the future. Of course, these are very hard to define, but I tried.
It seems that reconciliation is a slightly different animal than DB'ing. DB'ing is all about working on one's self. There is no relationship to work on because the partner does not share the same goal of salvaging the relationship. So the only thing to do is to make ourselves the best self we can be.
However, if our partner does sincerely change their mind on their goal for the relationship, it seems that we must shift focus slightly. Working on ourselves is still of upmost importance. However, we must also focus on what is good for the marriage.
For me, it is a balancing act. Keeping myself strong, independent and not needing anything from my W. But at the same time opening up, enjoying her presence, and leaning on her for support (financial, emotional, and physical). If I don't do those things, then the M brings me nothing. And if it continues, wouldn't I end up resenting the relationship for always taking and not giving. We don't just want to save our marriage, we want to save one we can both enjoy.
So far, so good. Yes, it is touchy. But I think our ability to recover from lapses is just as important (if not more) as avoiding the lapses all together.
On another note: we should complete cleaning out the final two closets tonight. House is being painted today. It should be on the market next week - keeping our fingers crossed.
It seems that reconciliation is a slightly different animal than DB'ing. DB'ing is all about working on one's self. There is no relationship to work on because the partner does not share the same goal of salvaging the relationship. So the only thing to do is to make ourselves the best self we can be.
However, if our partner does sincerely change their mind on their goal for the relationship, it seems that we must shift focus slightly. Working on ourselves is still of upmost importance. However, we must also focus on what is good for the marriage.
I think it was Bworl, over in Piecing, that has written some really good posts on this very subject. In fact, he contends that the things you have to do in Newcomers (esp. when there is Infidelity involved), and then in Piecing, are practically OPPOSITES, which is why it's so damned difficult to make the transition!
And the funny thing is instincts would have us do it exactly backwards. I rarely felt like doing battle during my DB'ing, but have to resist the urge fairly often now.
Heh, I find it all the same since day one, matter of fact I said this yesterday:
Originally Posted By: dday101798
And here we are today, communicating with respect, and that key word - validation when a concern does in fact arise. My god, it gets hard at times to try and bear that in mind, and then all the sudden, it just pops and all that time we spent training ourselves to stop, listen, and validate. That I tell you is the single most biggest change you NEED to keep going.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
