Well...I went to the mediation expecting the worst. My words and actions last night were harsh and unpredictable. I was so mad that we were going to go through this step which, I judged, must mean that she is much more hopeless and unwilling to work. Hurt, probably, but also unwilling in the end to accept me with my faults.
Try to talk about feelings and not project them next time.
Right away, our mediator become our MC and asked us for an update. I went through some admissions of guilt I guess for what has been a wedge, to which she got the idea of a six month attempt at both of us working in with our ICs. This in our 2 1/2 hour meeting!
Good!
We have 6 months that we've agreed to try hard to deal with three big outstanding issues/problems that drag us down and have made our M after Retrouv. a continued failure. In the 6 months, we've agreed to not talk about D, and "act as if" everything is improving. I know I've helped her to feel worthless, I know I really, really want to run away and get a fresh start with another woman who won't know my past. I know it. My W's acceptance of me for the 6 months, even with that limit, takes me past the barriers I've been living on to love her & be a husband, not just a provider.
Continued failure- big, wrong negative view on things. You have to change you thought pattern immediately!! I really want to read the book- "Women talk, men walk" seems like maybe it could give some insight on the desire to leave it all behind.
There is a set of strings to evaluate our successes in 6 months, but until then, everything is about making it work!
On the way home, we agreed on a sort-of compromise to get rid of this memory filled house and take advantage of the low interest rates to get something better. This compromise came in (I hope) our last hypothetical 'if we divorced' discussion, where we talked about how to buy a house when there are some strings still left over.
Not a complete reconcilliation, but a big step. I'm now left with one last decision to do right away. Am I ready to repeal the decision to divorce when I still harbour a lot of fears? She committed to not talking separation for 6 months, but I have so many "what ifs" in my head that I need to sort through.
OMG, you have to, I mean have to take a leap of faith. You are afraid, "what ifs' and fear. You have to let go of fear! You have to commit to this!!!!! Drop the D now!!! I am screaming this!!!
I feel very ready to reconcile. I really want to run out and buy flowers, call my cousin to babysit for a few hours, and have a romantic night out with her to make it real. I just need to put my full heart into - and I'm almost there. Just got to be sure that I'm not committing on emotion alone. We have major miscommunication problems and along with our own issues, the hurdles do need to be passed. 6 months seems so long, and also like so little time.
I say go for it. Shower her with love and affection. Nothing wrong there. We often have the mistaken assumption that a less than perfect marriage is a failure. Wrong assumption. Marriage is growing and accepting each other despite our flaws and weaknesses. Marriage is loving despite...
June & many others - thanks so much for sticking by and reminding me of how she may be seeing this whole thing. I've felt this positive before, but today I feel I have a stronger committment from both her and I.
Thanks~OTMT
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I discussed with my W some issues that were deal-breakers in our 6 month attempt, and some solutions I had to take more ownership over my reactions/feelings over long-standing issues.
Well...today was a bit rough. I got her into a test that she wanted for upgrading her overseas high school diploma. She did it but had many miscommunication & comprehension problems on it. I felt such despair - how can I live with someone who can't even finish a simple test?
I'm going back to my plan to take responsibility for my reactions, and I had decided, "Make her smarter through academic upgrading, get rid of language difficulties so it isn’t one more barrier to conversation, be kinder, grieve, and have her accept she needs to question to understand". So to act on this, I know I need to be kinder to her, I need to understand that language is the biggest issue not intellect, and that she's been taking care of the kids and over-sacrificing for long enough that I need to be proud of her that she went for the test in the first place.
I'm struggling, but I think I'm going to wake up tomorrow fine.
I'm planning to (90%) reconcile tomorrow with a candle-lit dinner, a tablecloth (a big deal when you have 5 kids!), and so on.
On another note, I asked and she told me she likes a less hairy chest...so I offered to wax my chest. She didn't believe me, but I bought the strips! She got some wax too, so we'll cry together. I'm told the worst is the first time, so pray for me!!!!
I am doing this as an offering - strip away the past and move forward.
I'm planning to (90%) reconcile tomorrow with a candle-lit dinner, a tablecloth (a big deal when you have 5 kids!), and so on.
On another note, I asked and she told me she likes a less hairy chest...so I offered to wax my chest. She didn't believe me, but I bought the strips! She got some wax too, so we'll cry together.
OTMT!! I am really seeing you trying! I used to read your posts and think wow I don't know about this guy and you have stepped up! I am proud
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Is English your first language? I ask because you seem to have many problems communicating with your W due to language barriers but I must say the way you express yourself is often difficult to follow. Obviously people communicate best via different mediums but the way you present your thoughts, to me, are often very, very unclear and almost garbled. I am not attacking you but I understand English just fine and I have trouble understanding you. If your W is not versed in communicating in English I can see why she has the trouble she does when talking to you.
I guess I have to ask... if this has been such a source of frustration for you when have you not attempted to learn the language she speaks?
Maybe this is just what I am taking away but you allude almost daily that your W is stupid and unattractive to you. You seem to crave sexuality and intellect from her and it sounds like, from what you describe, that is not her.
You have made comments on other threads (not creepy) that really seem to show your desire to be with a sexy/attractive person.
I guess I am confused as to why you are trying to make this work when it seems you have so many complaints about her.
You seem filled with disdain she could not even finish a simple test. Could you finish a test in her language without problems? If so then please pardon me but it seems you want her to meet your standards of intelligence and sexiness but do you meet hers?
I am really curious about all of this. I have tried to make sense of this for a while now and I come up short each time. If you knew your W had so many language barriers, which IMO would lead to comprehension issues when you can't even understand fully the language, how did you think an English speaking R weekend would help and not frustrate the both of you further?
Engish is mine; hers isn't. I tried to convince her to use her language, but she doesn't want to. I understand her fear to be that she'll be one of those mothers who can't function in Canada because of a language gap. Understanding doesn't solve the problem.
Others have also commented on her misunderstandings; had they not, I would be willing to accept it as my 'fault'.
I'm proud of the fact that I tried many things, including an English weekend, because that is what is available. And as far as having her meet my standards - I acknowledge this is a problem and I am trying to shift myself to a more accepting mode.
BTW - she loves my chest as it is, too. She was more just curious and I wanted to show her that I'll try to be more attractive to her, even in small ways, hoping that she might follow my lead. The symbolic gesture of stripping away the past was important, too.
I am not saying it is your fault or your W's fault.
I am just curious how you plan to solve this lingering problem. If she doesn't want to learn English to function at an acceptable level and she doesn't want to speak her native language what to do? How will that change?
Understanding her. Accepting her. Loving her. All places to start.
The misunderstandings aren't over the simpler of the day to day stuff. They are most prominent when we are talking about detailed things, dreams, plans, responsibilities, etc.
I think her acceptance of needing to improve her English was an important and hard step for her to take this week. She is a very proud woman. That is why I think I need to take more responsibility to be patient, loving and kind with her.
I don't claim to be the clearest writer in the west, nor speaker. Misunderstandings aren't about right or wrong, which is why I need to keep trying. So does she. So solving this lingering problem is a matter of trying. Me trying to watch my reactions, and her trying to improve her language,
