If I'm unsure I will contact a lawyer. You are right at this stage I'm trying to keep things friendly.
Mila, consulting with a lawyer about your, and H's, rights and obligations, doesn't mean that you aren't keeping things friendly. Information about options can help you make better choices. Getting information need not mean that you are initiating an adversarial process.
Agreed Dudess nothing bad about involving a lawyer. I guess it's just me...not ready yet.... But don't worry I'm not a pushover, I will stand up for my rights if I have to
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I hope, hope, hope that things never come to anything but the best outcome for you Really!!
But.... you have a very complicated business sitch that you mostly rely on for you and your daughters livelihood, what would it hurt just to get some advice? And as far as what H promises you (like the house), my H's promises change as the guilt he had subsides, as finances change for him, and sometimes when the phase of the moon changes. He started from "I'm so sorry and I'll help you financially" - actually told my parents he'd make me rich, lol -- to I'll take you for everything if you see a L. It's weird. You don't have to tell your H. Maybe he's already had some advice and is not telling you, you don't know.
I read on a board recently - and this is a Canadian legal board (Aye!) - that a woman could not apply for alimony from her H after 3 years because ... since she went for 3 years without it she must not have needed it. You never know.
I'm not in business with my H (thank goodness) but as SC stated I've seen my H not living up to things that he said he would do as his guilt has subsided. Maybe that won't happen to you to the extent it has to me because the business keeps the consequences of his bad judgment and choices in his face. Your H doesn't just get to pretend you don't exist as you rely on each other for your livelihoods.
I know zero expectations are the order for the day and every day for a long time, but in my heart I would give most anything to spend a little time alone with my H remembering how things once were. That would get me no where and my brain understands that. My heart needs to catch up. Wouldn't happen anyway as H is very nervous if he is alone in the same room as me. Not sure why. Trying not to mind read here, but he acts like he is cheating on ow to even give me a hug. Very strange.
I agree with SC that it wouldn't hurt to get a L's advice just so you know what your options are. Your H doesn't have to know. It's just to prepare yourself in case your H throws a monkey wrench into the works. (Bigger than he already has.)
Hugs girl, you have a lot on your plate to deal with and I admire your strength!
SCh & SA I hear you...you are right. I will go and consult a lawyer before I make any final decisions on the separation agreement.
It actually took me this long to form some kind of a picture in my mind of what I need to do to move forward. Yes like many of us I realized that I can't just sit here and wait for him to wake-up and things are going to go back as they were before. No...that fantasy is over. I'm past denial and moving forward, with him or without him.
I'm also a pretty analytical type, so I want to have a clear picture in my mind as of what I want to achieve, so I don't come to the lawyer's office totally clueless.
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He started from "I'm so sorry and I'll help you financially" - actually told my parents he'd make me rich, lol
SCH - mine promises the same and he said to me that by next year we are going to be making $50,000 a month - yet another new business idea. They seem to have lost all common sense and touch with reality. Everything is a fantasy or a dream. Anything that will make them feel better as they go through their inner struggles.
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I know zero expectations are the order for the day and every day for a long time, but in my heart I would give most anything to spend a little time alone with my H remembering how things once were
. SA - What you wrote just tugs on my heart. I'm sorry They have a head start on us with their detachment. They started detaching way before we knew anything was wrong.
Take care girls (((hugs)))
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Hey Mila! I am so glad that the only business H and I have is a rental house. Not sure what will happen with that but that is small potatoes! Glad you decided to speak with an L! You are really the only person that you can trust and count on right now!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Thank you CW. Since lots of us seem to be having money problems with their H's this morning (DG ). I've decided to start e-mailing my WH my daily financial transactions. Business and personal. All the payments that have to be made this week & all income that we've received. This way he can see the amount of outflows, comparing to the inflows.
It will probably depress him even more and give him more reasons to run, but he has to face reality. Every time I bring up our financial situation, he says "but it's going to get better just wait".
The other thing I'm really sad about is that he pretty much ignores that he has a daughter. His darling daughter that he was so devoted to before he changed into an alien. He doesn't ask to see her. Wouldn't even text her if she didn't text him first last week. When we talk he sometimes asks "how is she?" that's it. Maybe he is ashamed to face her, who knows, but it's very sad.
Last time I've met with him I told him that he forgot D's Name Day (Saint Day) we usually celebrate it as kind of "mini birthday" with a card and a gift. He tells me that he forgot...looked really upset with himself. Did he call her after to make-up for it? NO he didn't.
D16 was hurt that he forgot. I think that she is starting to form her own picture of him. I don't say anything bad about him to her. I just told her that daddy has to figure himself out, that he is going through a difficult time. I had a conversation with D16 in the car yesterday. She asked if I think that we will ever get back together. I told her that I still love him, but that I don't know what's going to happen. That I was willing to to take him back after the affair was discovered, but he chose the OW. As long as the OW is in the picture nothing can change. We just have to let him be for now... She said that he seems really unhappy (yup I see that too). She also said "Mom I know that he still loves you".
Yesterday
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Oh Mila, my heart goes out to you daughter. My D17 and D11 were daddy's girls too. H was calling D11 twice a day when he first left and now he texts her the day he picks them up with the time he's coming. He doesn't come to their games or activities and doesn't ask about them either.
My D17 has observed that she doesn't think her father is happy either. The rest of us agree. She also told me that she thinks her dad still loves me. Don't know if that's just what she wants to believe because if he does he has a funny way of showing it.
I really admire the way you're handling your sitch, you are a strong lady:) (((Hugs)))
Just had quite unpleasant exchange on the phone with H. It was business related. He wants to purchase a very expensive membership in an organization that could be beneficial in the long run to our business. The offer the salesman made to him is attractive in terms of extra perks such as free ticket to Bill Clinton's speech. Which I think is a big motivation for H as he would really like to go to that.
The way our business is bleeding right now I look at all expenditures this way: Is it absolutely necessary? Is it going to benefit the business in the next few months? This "investment" as a big chunk of money with no immediate return. So I told him what I think. That I like it and would like us to become members but why don't we wait until business improves a bit. I'm juggling bills as is.
He got defensive and said that I'm so pessimistic that I bring him down and that "To make money you have to invest money". Agreed BTW but in our current situation I just don't want to borrow money for it (and be responsible for paying it off if he disappears into the sunset). So he tells me that he will charge it on his personal Credit Card so I'm not responsible for it. Here we go...frivolous spending on credit? That's how we ended the conversation.
Believe it or not I felt bad after, for not supporting him in this. I was really temped to call him back and say "let's buy it", just to make him happy. I guess because he made me feel like a negative unsupportive "that's the reason I left her" wife. Fun...Fun...Fun... this business in crisis fussed with personal relationship in crises.
I didn't call him, but we did talk on the phone about a marketing project we were working on tonight. I took the opportunity to go back to the "lets buy" subject and we talked about it again, much calmer this time. I was validating his reasoning but still told him that we should wait and I think that we agreed to hold off. I think..for all I know he may still charge it tomorrow.
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SA, again so many similarities in their behaviour...I feel like in a Twilight Zone sometimes
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I really admire the way you're handling your sitch, you are a strong lady:)
You made my day....that's some compliment. Thank you
In my (kind of long) life I went through some very challenging (strength building) times, but I tell you...nothing prepared me for this. The first tree months after the bomb I was just a basket case.
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