I have to be honest. I am scared and nervous. I am worried that hubby and I are in a "happy" phase and things will go south again. I mean he is so super nice. I mean the perfect husband. It seems too perfect.
Just some thoughts, June...
I get that. We had a really small issue today and I couldn't help but be on the lookout the avalanche that I expected. Nothing came, but my preparedness put the evening on edge for me (and probably W). It is that tension that shouldn't be there, but it can be felt. Is that what you mean?
RV reminded me that to really move forward from a wrecked M, the couple needs let go of all blame. There were times when I thought my W was doing emotional abuse. She was. So was I, but how would our M be improved by knowing who started it or who was worse? Issues would still be discussed, but from a building empathy POV. Like abuse. Could that work for you?
One of the points of writing out the dialogues more as monologues in RV is that you can't add information, blame (etc) to it when you read what the spouse wrote. The purpose is just understanding & accepting so intimacy can grow.
I hope you find a dynamic in your R that gets rid of the defensiveness from your H. It must make you feel very strong to be able to apologize when he may be the one in the wrong. To be able to control a situation that would've gone out of control.
I can't say for him, but I know that when my W lets things slide that she could've called me on, I appreciated it deep down. I don't always show it (yet!). Maybe he's that way too...trying to find ways to accept responsibility & help without feeling like a looser or failure.
I figure that if he's bending over backward, and it seems you feel you're trying too, then eventually you'll find that thorny plant that keeps poking you both. Fear can lead us guys to do a lot of bad things. Don't accept it, but keep trying to find ways that make him feel proud of himself while improving those unacceptable things.
A question, you said, "I want to know that the man I have now is the man I will have in the future." But you also mentioned his rough behaviour. So...have you talked to your IC about trying to sort out those thoughts. For me, and perhaps for him, it was important to know what things are deal-breakers and what wasn't in our M. If you know for sure, you can tell him if there are any.
