I know better by now to get sucked or drawn into an argument and I bit my tongue the whole time. I agreed to do the phone log thing because my W has this paranoia that I am conversing with someone behind her back or keeping something from her. I wanted to show her I have nothing to hide and maybe set an example for her so she would be more forthcoming (this was suggested in this thread a few weeks back).
I have decided I would NOT go cold and continue my detached loving because it is more inviting and less stressful. Why should I mope around and walk around ticked off and put myself in a terrible mood (that is me of old). I will stay positive and carry on working toward my goal.
As for her sanity, I agree. I am scheduled to speak with a therapist tomorrow and I will see how it goes, if it is good I will see if she is interested.
The issue I have....I read in many threads and in DR book to not talk about your changes just make the changes and that your WAS will notice. When my wife questions me about a phone call or where I am going and I tell her (counseling, therapist) she immediately shrugs her shoulders and blows it off as if she never asked the question.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
"The issue I have....I read in many threads and in DR book to not talk about your changes just make the changes and that your WAS will notice. When my wife questions me about a phone call or where I am going and I tell her (counseling, therapist) she immediately shrugs her shoulders and blows it off as if she never asked the question."
You're doing the therapy for you and to help you. It doesn't matter what she thinks. If she chooses to shrug it off, so what? You don't need her validation.
Stand strong my friend.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Indeed I do and I have come a long way from the person I use to be and will continue to make strides.
After a long nap my W seemed to have calmed down. She was curious as to what I did when I was gone. When I told her I bought a new bedroom set, her tone in her voice changed as if it affected her. If you recall a previous post I made the mistake of asking her to go with me and pick one out (pursuit) and she told me to do it on my own pretty much cause she was leaving anyway...so I did.
She then went and took her 3rd shower of the day and asked if I could make her lunch. It's been a while since she asked that.
Not much but an update that is open for interpretation (and a little venting).
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
No she did not apologize. In her mind she feels ity is justified giving wjat I put her through for so many years. Who am I to argue with her emotions and tell hjer the way she feels is wrong.
I made her lunch because she asked, it is a 180. Before my sitch I would gad sai "pffft make it yourself" or maybe I would had done it reluctantly and let it be know that I was not happy to do it.
I did not offer to make it like I had done in the past. When my sitch first began I was making her lunch every night for 3 weeks straight and leaving little notes in there, I stopped.
On another note I went to a therapist today. It went well but was brief. I will give it another session or two before I ask my W I'd she would like to attend on her own. I am still trying to get a feel for the therapist as well. I don't want it to hurt our marriage any more than it is now
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I will give it another session or two before I ask my W I'd she would like to attend on her own.
I don't think you should ask her. If she thinks you are the one needing to see a therapist, she won't appreciate you trying to involve her (if that is what you meant).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
1. Ask the therapist what they think. Don't just DO IT, just ask for their input. 2. My advice may be the same, might be different, here it is : You ask the Therapist to put their name and # on one of his business cards inviting her my HAND... make sure they WRITE on the card... inviting her to call and make an appointment any time she wants to... just an open invite from the therapist.
You just put the card on the table and let her know its from the therapist. You do NOT HAND her the card. you put it on the table and wait for HER to PICK it UP... when SHE wants to.
The card has a friendly handwritten invite on the back from the therapist, she can use it if she wants to.
If your wife ASKS you after picking it up to make her a separate appointment or whatever, do that... but do NOT just walk home and try to get her into a verbal conversation for a commitment to an appointment.
You need to understand approaching a WS for conversation to them they just see a big NET hanging off the ceiling and they want to RUN.
So, don't do the convo. put the invite on the card, from the therapist and let her call the shots.
She MIGHT find the task of making the call too stressful and ask you do it.
Do it then.. don't RUN to the PHONE.. just say "sure, no problem" and go make a sandwich or something... don't make a huge deal of it... you do a handspring and she will feel trapped again.
your wife needs to feel like SHE is in CONTROL... so give her control of it... no harm there.
Make the appointment privately, don't do it in front of her... It's just going to stress her out.
You need to keep the appointment booking thing REALLY casual... she will smell it as a trap, mine did bigtime.
