Moving Foward

[Cie la vie]

Hello all,

The Easter issue has come up for me. I just got an email from the W asking me if I would be interested in joining with the kids and her Mom and possibly others. It is a bit of a late notice if you ask me but...

Not sure how to play this one. I want what is best for the kids and this is a pretty major holiday but I know the net result will be to bring me down emotionally. I ran it by a couple of my coworkers and they feel I should attend as it is in the best interest of the children. I have a hard time arguing with that.

She is also bugging me for my vacation schedule as her new job is requiring her to travel in early June to Vegas of all places. This "work trip" apparently is Sat - Tue. and will require me to pick up a couple of her scheduled days with the kids. I don't mind having the kids for a couple of extra days but part of me wants proof that this is a work trip and not a OM junket. Part of me wants to make her squirm on this one but I'm quite sure I'll need a return favor in the future.

Any suggestions on how I should proceed with these new issues?

In the same email she informs me that she is available to do some painting to help prep. the house for sale. This is painful as it continues to demonstrate that she is complete done and not looking back at all. I love the house (and I know she did as well) but I can't handle the nut solo. She knows this but clearly could careless about how giving it up affects me. I'm going have to suck it up and move on.

[Kemper]

To stay busy when I don't have the boys I have been hanging out with friends, cleaning the house, painting, getting furniture for the boys, anything to not sit around.

I do agree that the best revenge is to live well and happy. I do really well until I need to pick up the boys and see her. I act as if but inside I am still pissed at her, mainly for being selfish and not working on it for the boys. I still have to detach but it seems to be getting easier each time.

As far as the Easter thing goes CLV I hate to say it but that is a decision that you need to make and not regret.

I see the point about doing it for the kids however, your children are really young like mine and I doubt they would remember if you were there or not. Do you remember Easter when you were 3? I actually talked with my C about Easter and my decision. He said it is pretty typical right after S or D for the spouse that "walked" to try and do family things for major holidays. He said that it usually doesn't last past a year or two as the two people move on with their lives.

On the flip side it gives you an opportunity to show with actions how you have changed. You, like I have no idea what is going on in your W's head. Maybe this is a test, we will probably never know.

All I will say is you need to do what feels right for you and not what we think. That is my opinion.

As far as the house goes it goes to my point above that you don't know how it affects her either. Maybe she wants to spend as much time as she can in it because she needs to let go of it too, thus the reason to help you paint. Who knows but I don't think you can automatically assume she could careless.

The reason I say that is because in reading through some of the posts by WAWs it is really, really clear that they are/were also in a ton of pain. Is it right that they couldn't open up and discuss it vs. doing what they did, no. They choose to take the course they did. Sometimes I wish I knew what was going on inside my STBXW's head and other times I think that I am better off not knowing. Why, because she has issues that she has to deal with and there isn't anyone in this world that can solve them for her but her.

All I would say is do what feels right.

[dwinter82]

CLV, I agree with Kemper. Do what feels rights for you (and the kids). However, do not agree to easter if it is going to cause emotional turmoil, especially since you have been doing so good.

Also take the kids when she is out of town. Who cares what she is doing, you get to spend more time with the kids.

Just my opinion.

[Cie la vie]

Kemp & DW,

I decided to accept the invite it just felt like the right thing to do. I may end up regretting it particularly if it puts into a funk. I'm going to do my best to guard against that. Although I am having a bit of an off day today which is likely related to thinking about how to respond and than ultimatley responding.

I do intend to cover for the STBX when she is out of town those days. However, I didn't offer it up in my reply to her email. I asked her if she had those days covered while she was gone. I want her to ask me if I will cover it rather than implying I will. Maybe I'm being a bit of a prick but I don't want her to think I'm at her beckoned call.

I think back (Nov./Dec.) to how she would simply tell me she was going on trip and leave me with the kids while she went off to see the OM in Chicago. Rubbing salt in my wounds. I'll never forget that BS.

It will be interesting to see how her family members interact with me. I'm sure a few of them will be there and I imagine talk of our sitch will probably not come up. I plan on spending most of my time with kids anyhow.

How are holding up DW?

[dwinter82]

CLV, for the last few days I have been in a pretty good place. GAL'ing is going really well and my thoughts of the ex are slowly fading. I am still trying to overcome thoughts of the OM with my kids but realize that will just take some time. I am very active in their lives and have always been told I am a very good father. So, I am banking on that to help get me through this.

The ex is bringing the kids over Sunday morning for the traditional egg hunt. This will likely be the last time the four of us do anything together and the thought of that still makes me sad but it is what it is.

Enjoy your Easter!

[Cie la vie]

DW,

Good to hear that things are going well for you. I know how you feel about the OM part of this. You've had a long road to haul since 1/4/08 it has to have been exhausting. My sitch leapt out the gates and has been sprinting toward the finish line ever since. We've had different paths to similiar outcomes.

I'm looking forward to getting my life into a settled state. Still have several loose ends to tie up so this is going to gone on past the actual D date.

I feel better today after a bit of swoon yesterday. I doing my best to prep. myself with a PMA for Sunday. It is going to be weird sensation.

This will likely be the last time the four of us do anything together...

Really? By design? I know I feel that limiting my exposure to my STBX is best for me but I suspect there will be times when all of us are together. Time will tell. I don't plan initiating gathering but the kids B-day is likely a family affair I'm guessing.

Have a great weekend and you do the same with Easter. Lets be sure to check in with eachother with updates on our close encounters.

[dwinter82]

Well, do you still have your sanity?

Everything went pretty smooth on my end; put me in a little bit of a funk yesterday (and today) but nothing I can't handle.

Hope all is well.

[Cie la vie]

I do but I didn't leave entirely unscathed.

I got the first glimse of my W's new life/apartment and it left little doubt that she is settled in for the long haul. Her apartment was fully dialed in with new furniture, art work as well as two new flat screen TV's and other assorted creature comforts. I didn't expect anything different really so it wasn't a surprise. Nonetheless it didn't give me a warming feeling.

Her mother was there and of course the kids and that was the extent of the guest list. The kids were happy to see me and that naturally made me feel more comfortable. There was a degree of awkwardness but it wasn't overwhelming and the afternoon proceed comfortably. We had lunch and we played with the kids in the common yard area that her apartment opens up to. The kids were clearly excited to have mommy and daddy together with them for really the first time since Jan.

That was tough on me as it is unlikely they will have that opportunity again for a long time. I'm not sure if it had any kind of affect on my W, I'm guessing not. I had a lot of fun playing with them and I must admit I was hoping my W would take notice of how wonderful it all could be. But it is a waste of energy to think of such things.

I decided after about three (3) hours to say goodbye and my W insisted on walking me out. I knew she had something up her sleeve. Sure enough she announced to me that "I've been seeing someone since February"(No actually Jan. W). She wanted to tell me this because she see's introducing this guy to the children and she wanted to follow the protocol we had discussed in Mediation. In her diluted mind this latest relationship is a serious one.

Bottom line is I didn't give it much of a response as I felt it was neither the time nor the place to get into it. However, I will bring this issue up Wednesday at Mediation. Like you DW I absolutley will do whatever is necessary to protect my kids and my relationship with them. I think she is nuts if she thinks she can intro this guy to my children after such a short time together. Like you (I think it was you) I believe a year together is a minimum requirement to intro's. I also know that it is impossible to enforce and she will likely standby the divorce agreement the same way she stood by our marriage vows.

The news of her seeing someone since Jan. was no revelation but the idea of already discussing intro to the kids left me a little touched up. As I write this I am already over the funk.

The focus now shifts to Wednesday and the drama that will likely ensue.

[dwinter82]

Sorry to hear about the intro with the kids and the OM. My ex took 7 months to do this to make sure things were serious between her and the dirt bag. I give her some credit for waiting. I would guess your W is desperate to fill that "father" void when she has the kids and can not control this impulsive behavior. Because she is acting more on impluse rather than real emotions, I think this A is more likley to fail than succeed, but who knows (be prepared for both outcomes).

I still cringe when the kids mention the OM (which is rare thank god)and just need more time.

Stay strong on Wed!!

[Cie la vie]

I'm not sure what her motives are but her behavior has been impulsive when it comes to the OM situations that is for sure.

I just think in her mind she is falling in love or something. My guess is the OM has mentioned to her that he would like to meet the kids. I actually think that is pretty normal stuff. The truth is it wouldn't be such a big issue if it was a one off deal.

But lets be serious it breaks the ice for it to be a anytime deal. That isn't cool and I need to put the brakes on this until she can truly demonstrate they are serious.

As I have said before I can't control, enforce or contain it.

You are probably right about this latest OM not working out but I'm proceeding with the idea it will.

I'll let you know how Wednesday goes. Thanks for the reply.