Jaime, I know how you feel and your friend is right about the chess game analogy. I keep reminding myself I need to be nice yet to the point in my interactions but other than that I really shouldn't care what she does, how she feels about my actions etc. In practice I scrutinize my own actions am I being nice enough? not nice enough etc. Combating the negative stuff is hard. Besides, I'm the type who feels better if I can prepare myself for the worst and then hope for the best as opposed to a lot of people that only focus on the positive side of things. I hate getting caught off guard.
I *totally* get this. I think we share a mind. It's interesting, when I arrived home after my nice weekend away, I thought "haha! he probably had a lonely weekend at home; maybe he realizes how much he'd miss us if we were gone". But he wasn't home when I got there and there were some indicators I interpreted as him having been gone for several hours (he rarely goes anywhere except to work). I FREAKED out. Where was he? who was he with? were there any clues around the house??? I spent a very uncomfortable half hour until he arrived in sweatpants from the gym... Amazing how my first thought of "where is he?" made my confident mind do a 180 and focus all on him instead of me. I need to try to remember that and how the shift from thinking primarily of him to me makes me feel better, and the opposite is true.
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the previous time things were pretty bad but in my mind I was committed to having her back and she did come back. This time I'm not sure if I want her back if she'll be the same way as last time so I'm having a tough time telling my mind to commit to her.
this is interesting- and I would be careful about attributing the reason she came back last time solely to your attitude, if you're doing that. I don't know if I want my H either. When I'm able to make the shift from focusing on whether he wants me, to just focus on me, he seems a little less appealing. It's probably a hallmark of the LBS to always ask "do they still want me? If they don't, what will I do then?" instead of the other way around.
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Jaime, I'm not the one who left, the signature is about her actions. She moved out 3 times for 3 different reasons she gave me, used to be 'your anger is out of control', then it was 'you're too controlling' and the last one is 'you criticize me all the time' with a few other things thrown in the mix each time. She hasn't said what she wants other than "I've found a place to live so we're not always fighting in front of DD". It's intersting how she uses words like "always" and "never" when she wants to justify things to herself. That's all she wrote me in an email last time and when I got home she'd already moved a lot of her stuff. Then when I asked why she said "you're being mean to me and you always criticize me for everything". Partly true about criticizing; I am anal and structured - something that helps me at work but not at home and I try to be mindful of it but just can't seem to let go of it completely.
Ah, ok. My H uses black and white words like that too. And it's all about me, not him, in terms of why we're where we are. It's so much easier to blame us than look at themselves.
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OF, LOL, I wish I was smoking something good. I'm upset at times and not so much at other times. It comes and goes in waves. I guess I won't. I'm just not sure if going dark gray has done anthing at all or if she takes it as if I don't give a damn about anything so she should just move forward with what she's doing.
Don't know about you, but time seems to move so slowly for me and I'm impatient. When in reality, we've only been trying our behavior for days or weeks and want to see a result- NOW! :-) Then we obsess about why we're not seeing one.
Hope you're feeling on the mend today-
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Don't stress too much about D6 crying, and wanting to stay w/Mom... She will do the same w/you sometimes, as well. I think that's fairly typical. If you were six, would you want to go back and forth all the time?
It's not easy. HUGS!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Romeo- I must be keeping you too busy responding to my thread to post on your own . How are you doing today?
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
((Jaime)) not at all...you're in my thoughts but you're not keepig me too busy. Wishing you strength, courage and good luck.
I don't have DD today and tomorrow so there's not much new to report. No talk with W over the last few days whatsoever, I do keep wondering if I should somehow get her to talk to me and I can pitch the Retrovaille option again. It's the only hope I have of fixing our sitch. Notice I said fixing our sitch not having her back because that wouldn't be much good if she's not willing to work on the issues.
I guess I'll stay dark gray for now...
I just found out that Fri is a company holiday, normally this would be something we'd spend camping or doing some other activity. I just bought the yearly pass to Legoland for DD and I and I just might take her there if it's not raining.
Last edited by StupidRomeo; 03/31/1003:42 AM.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
What was her response the last time you mentioned the Retrovaille?
I think Legoland sounds fabulous- a Daddy & D trip- I hope you have lots of fun if you go and don't spend any time thinking about W for at least several hours.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Like with most things when she doesn't want to talk about something she drops the topic by not responding to my emails or rolling her eyes and walking away like she heard me but not really buying it.
After reading your guys' responses about kids and your husbands blowing up etc I'm really feeling horrible about myself. I did yell at her a few times in the heat of the argument, I did criticize her for stupid stuff (not realizing that's how she'd take it) and despite my trying not to, it even happened in front of DD a few times because she's with us 99% of the time. Ugh! I feel that she's right - and it is my fault and now it's just too little too late. In my up-bringing parents arguing and sometimes getting upset at eachother was OK and part of life, they always said life is tough and always has its ups and downs but what's important is unity and love amongst us. But maybe that's not healthy and that's why she thinks DD is better off separate than together? Actually, I really don't even know exactly what it is this time that she doesn't like - I'm sure it's multiple things.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Hi Jamie. I sent you a note thanking your for your book ref (this was on a thread I started and replied to) and had a few q's for you there and was wondering how you're doing.
You guys...I've been reading this thread for a while, I'm on page 3 now. You guys have to read it, especially FM, Jaime, luvless and anyone else that needs some inspiration:
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Marooned- where did you send the note? On one of my threads? (sorry SR :D) My main thread is linked at the bottom here if you wouldn't mind re-sending- and we can catch up- I need to read up on you, too :-)
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Thanks Romeo; I'll check it out. I think I might've read it early on, but it wouldn't hurt to refresh my memory, especially this week.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
. How are you doing today?